Red flag warning? Did your pwBPD do this?

[balletomane]

The first red flag for me was the lack of time between his breakup with his previous partner and his involvement with me. The circumstances of their breakup and his behaviour to her also worried me. She told him that she had been to a bar with a large crowd of people that included one of his other exes, whom she'd never met before. This wasn't a huge coincidence as they all move in the same social circles. My ex immediately became convinced that she'd cheated on him at the bar with this other ex, was furious with her, and broke up immediately. I encouraged him not to do it, as he obviously wasn't thinking straight, but he was adamant that his trust had been betrayed beyond repair.

Less than a week later he was in my arms and telling me how difficult it was for him to enter another relationship. It can't have been that hard, considering he was all over me as soon as I showed the slightest sign of interest, but at the time I was too caught up in my naive conviction that I could rescue him from his cycle of bad relationships to notice these flags.

[michel71]

I agree with Mutt that everybody, not just the disordered, show you who they want you to see. We all do that really and I think it is part of the normal dating ritual especially if you really like that person.
My story was a bit unique  in that we met online and she was in another country. We skyped and emailed more and more and just had this instant connection and I wasn't weary of that although maybe I should have been because it was VERY powerful. Add to that she was sexy and alluring and she had my attention constantly. We didn't say we loved each other until we met about 2 months later but I know we both felt it sooner.
I could talk to her about anything and she me and we shared so much so the first thing that through me off guard was during our first meeting when I shared some benign comment about my ex-wife and her alcoholism (which we talked about a lot previously) and she said " Is that the type of thing you should really be telling the woman you are dating?" WHAT? HUH? Of course I felt confused and embarrassed and apologized.
The second thing that should have woken me up was the fact that she accused me of just wanting to keep her in my bedroom. Prior to meeting we talked of so much intimacy and connection. She always said how much time she wanted to spend making love with me. I didn't think I was expecting anything that she didn't already say she wanted to have happen and we did many many things other than bedroom activities on her first visit. So of course I apologized and backed off at bit. We went to go somewhere and I remember her telling me in the car that she felt like a whore with me. I pulled the car over and held her hand, lovingly looked deep into her eyes and asked her to talk to me about that. It ended up with her crying about things from her past, nothing of which really related to the subject.
Instead of scaring me away, I just wanted to show her how much I loved her and how dedicated to the relationship I was. I felt sorry for her life circumstances ( she had been violently raped as a child, left by a cheating husband, had an autistic son, family and friends had turned their back on her) and I wanted to make up for all those things ( not that I could but I wanted to make her happy and feel loved).
What I didn't get was that this was a foreshadowing of things to come, that she was laying the ground work to control me and take advantage of my love and kindness and that it was going to be all about her.
Fast forward to today, I have learned so many lessons at my personal peril and am emotionally scared and financially devoted.

[michel71]

I meant financially DEVASTATED!

[rfriesen]

she accused me of just wanting to keep her in my bedroom.

My ex talked about sex non-stop, was hyper-sexual, was the one who suggested we buy a bunch of toys for the bedroom, told me how she wanted to have sex at work, insisted on going down on me while I drove (well, I mean I didn't object, so I don't mean she "insisted" against my will ... .just saying she would bring it up and initiate), etc etc ... .but then every once in a while out of nowhere, she would say, "sometimes I think all you want is sex. I'm used to being with someone who will also show me affection with gifts, or taking me out to dinner, or normal couple stuff."

Like you, I was so thrown by the accusation that I just wanted sex, and felt so instantly guilty, that I didn't stop and think and call her on how unfair and unfounded her accusation was. In hindsight, this was a very obvious part of her manipulation. I'm not sure she realises that, because it's second nature to her. But it's like she would suddenly feel a need to assert control in the relationship, and her way to do it was by manipulation through guilt. One of the most effective ways for a woman to do that is to accuse her man of just using her for sex. I think most guys will instantly feel guilty if they think the woman they love feels that way. You can be sure that if anyone ever said that to me again, I would at least take a minute to reflect on whether that accusation had any basis in reality.

[pjstock42]

rfriesen,

Almost the same exact thing happened to me. My ex BPD gf was hyper sexual for the first 6-8 months and constantly told me how she wanted to have sex with me "all the time" no matter the circumstance. She even told me that I could initiate sex with her if she was sleeping because it's something that she always wanted. Stark contrast to the last ~2 months before her discard where she never wanted to have sex and accused me of "using her as a sexual object" and "only wanting her for sex". It's a total mind**** but also one of the clearest exploitations of control and most obvious form of manipulation used during the devaluation period which I didn't understand at the time but now do after research.

I remember a conversation with her during the earlier days about how I thought that sex was a very important part of a relationship. I told her that when you're in an exclusive relationship with someone, you represent the only access to sexual activity that your partner has, and how I think that it's very important to be a good steward of that and ensure that your partner doesn't ever feel as though they have no sexual outlet. She agreed with me whole-heartedly but very quickly began to withhold sex when it worked to her benefit. It's absolutely not a fair position to put a person in but with my understanding of the condition now, I know why she did it even though I still think it was wrong.

[rfriesen]

PJ,
I think I really dodged a bullet by refusing to move in with my ex. I can see it clearly now, but at the time I was so torn about it and came so very close to moving in with her. And yet I had seen how she treated her ex-fiancé while living with him. Besides, she told me how all her past relationships went! She would be obsessed with a guy for 7 to 8 months, then would suddenly lose interest and want something new. If there's one thing I can't accuse her of, it's of not being upfront with me. She let it all hang out and I chose to ignore it. And, although I now question so much of what she told me during our relationship, I tend to believe her that she wasn't having sex with her fiancé anymore when we started together. That's another thing that my ex had even told me about her past relationships in general - that her interest in and attraction to guys often dropped once they moved in together.

It was stupid to get involved with someone who was supposed to be in a committed relationship and even stupider of me to assume that I was bound to be different. But like you (as described in your posts) and so many others here, I was blinded by her openness. I guess I just felt that if she was being so open with me about all her past cheating and loss of interest in her boyfriends, it must show that we were connecting in a much deeper way. I also didn't even know we were headed for a serious relationship until I was already caught up in all the emotional manipulation and felt so invested in the relationship.

But, yes, just like you describe, same for me. My ex was so adamant she wanted us to explore absolutely all of our sexual fantasies together, she wanted us to have as much sex as we could possibly manage, and it did become such a focus of our relationship. I think she felt (maybe only instinctively) that once that was established, it would give her control in the relationship. Because she would then be able to (1) make me feel guilty by occasionally accusing me of focusing too much on sex, and (2) start withholding when it suited her.

Manipulation is bad enough, but manipulation through guilt ... .that really messed me up by the end of our relationship.

[LilMe]

Put me in the confessed soulmate love on the first date group   I feel so stupid!

He also told me early on that he could really hold a grudge.  Boy is that an understatement!  I think that was his explanation of painting black and silent treatment.

We had so much in common. Ha!  Later, of course, he complained about many of those things and hated them.

I also didn't listen to my family when they expressed concerns.  I think I feel the worst about this.

And the crazy ex-wives.  Only told me about one at first.  Admitted to another after we were involved.

Oh yes, the charming and manipulating.  He is the master.  He can get about anyone to do what he wants them to before they even know what has happened!

[misaelb]

I think is hard to judge actions as red flags, bc they could mean not always BPD but depression or other kind of issues.

I would reccomend to listen to their words... .at least my exgf really warned me about everything, and she explicitly said all her symptoms... .yet i was ignorant about BPD and i was also inlove, i tought it was just depression... .

I suspect theyre honests in the beginning and some really try to get to be known by their partners... .i would say their words is the most obvious red flag.