stbxBPDw has such a hold on me

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I just found out from the kids that even though the divorce is not final she is making marriage plans with the replacement. Her mother also a BPD was in town this past weekend to meet the new guy and apparently has approved. Interesting to see how the stbx mother in law's past is being identically replicated by her daughter.

Anyway despite my steady progress forward this is a set back to realize I am catching the black from both the ex and the MIL and he is getting the white, she is surely in the idealization stage with him. This is the stage I too wish I was back in with her now and wish the devaluation and discard stages never happened.

Logically I think how can I think this? I so remember the time she punched me, cracking a rib, marking my chin up with a wound from the ring I gave her while the kids and MIL watched. Never can I forget her words "get out of my house you mother fu$?er, I hate you you as!($le... ." This was just one beating of many. Then there were the many days and nights of rage when the kids would  call me on the phone or FaceTime on their IPads crying "we want to be with you daddy, mommy is "that way" again". Through multiple arrests and convictions of various BPD type of rages and self harm events the courts, law enforcement and DCFS all agree with the kids dad needs to have the kids. She has been devaluating me for such a long time and I am so tired of it now I just ignore her mean text.

There is much more I could type to describe the typical BPD stuff in addition to the aforementioned and still I miss her? I look down at the floor, close my eyes, then open them and type "yes". I am so messed up tonight. I am taking a step back and I just can't help it right now.

[StayStrongNow]

I just found out from the kids that even though the divorce is not final she is making marriage plans with the replacement. Her mother also a BPD was in town this past weekend to meet the new guy and apparently has approved. Interesting to see how the stbx mother in law's past is being identically replicated by her daughter.

Anyway despite my steady progress forward this is a set back to realize I am catching the black from both the ex and the MIL and he is getting the white, she is surely in the idealization stage with him. This is the stage I too wish I was back in with her now and wish the devaluation and discard stages never happened.

Logically I think how can I think this? I so remember the time she punched me, cracking a rib, marking my chin up with a wound from the ring I gave her while the kids and MIL watched. Never can I forget her words "get out of my house you mother fu$?er, I hate you you as!($le... ." This was just one beating of many. Then there were the many days and nights of rage when the kids would  call me on the phone or FaceTime on their IPads crying "we want to be with you daddy, mommy is "that way" again". Through multiple arrests and convictions of various BPD type of rages and self harm events the courts, law enforcement and DCFS all agree with the kids dad needs to have the kids. She has been devaluating me for such a long time and I am so tired of it now I just ignore her mean text.

There is much more I could type to describe the typical BPD stuff in addition to the aforementioned and still I miss her? I look down at the floor, close my eyes, then open them and type "yes". I am so messed up tonight. I am taking a step back and I just can't help it right now.

[purekalm]

Hello StayStrongNow,

There is much more I could type to describe the typical BPD stuff in addition to the aforementioned and still I miss her? I look down at the floor, close my eyes, then open them and type "yes".

I'm really sorry you're going through and have gone through so much. 

I feel the same way though. My husband finally admitted he doesn't want to be with me and "the only way we'll ever get along" is if we're friends. I don't think that you or I want all the craziness and abuse, just the love that we've given returned. I don't want and never did want anyone else and I've tried and sacrificed so much to make this work, but he refuses to do his part. So, he's figuring out his way back home right now to basically live his own life... .

I wish there was more advice I could offer other than mutual support, but I am here for that at least. 

Sincerely,

Purekalm

[StayStrongNow]

I've tried and sacrificed so much to make this work

Thank you Purekalm I too tried so hard to make it work including three disastrous recycles, even though they were really ploys on her part to get more favorable terms on the child custody and marriage separation agreements.

I appreciate your concern and it is a shame of how BPD effects us nons. Logically it should be easy to let go but my heart keeps a light of hope always lit. My stbxBPDw showed faint lights flickering once of remorse but seemed to be bulldozed away once her BPD mother piped in.

I just wish the hurt would fade and I could stop thinking of her, there are so many reasons to move on but no logical reasons to remain stuck on her but this crazy feeling that keeps me in sadness.

[StayStrongNow]

To the General Announcer Are You On The Right Board Police, I am on the right board. There is no way my r/s can ever be salvaged and or ever go through another recycle.

I don't want to text the many reasons why but I can see the future and for one especially by the way the generations have plagued this stbxBPDw's family, the once love r/s is dead and buried. I am done with the could ofs, should ofs, would ofs and the attempts to reconcile have long come and gone.

I have gone to other boards and concluded that this is the board for me for a multitude of reasons. So just so you are clear I am not on the fence and she isn't either. I was just expressing a feeling of loss and realizing what was lost would never come back. It hurts almost as bad as losing my 25 month old daughter to a cognitive heart disease, pieces of me are gone.

Please let me know if mourning the loss of the person who is gone forever cannot be expressed on this board and if so I will go elsewhere for help.

Thank you.

[drained1996]

Staystrong,

I've walked more than a mile in your shoes, and have felt exactly the feelings you have flowing through your mind and body right now.  I'm so sorry, as no human should have to feel the pain, and loss this dark illness brings.  I empathize with your feelings of hope... .no matter how much we may tell ourselves it's such a small chance, as long as that lingers, we allow them to have at least some voice in our lives and how we feel.  Hope is really not a bad thing, it's the focus of our hope that effectively drives our lives.  One day, and hopefully one day soon through Radical Acceptance, your hope will focus on you and your own future... .a future that offers a healthy mature adult relationship... .something our exBPD's never were or will be capable of giving.  We deserve better... .

[VitaminC]

Nostalgia and hope easily flow into each other. That's the thing.

[StayStrongNow]

Thank you drained1996. You just changed the direction of my thinking from what should be in my mind to accepting that it is what it is.

It's so true I am beating myself up and suffering unnecessarily. I still will feel pain but I think this will help.

I will dive deeper into this concept of Radical Acceptance.

Thanks again.

[drained1996]

Nostalgia and hope easily flow into each other. That's the thing

VitaminC makes a good observation here, something almost all of us have allowed to happen I'm sure.  We all have had hope of regaining the highs... .or that he/she would get better.  That's hope... .founded or unfounded... .that's hope.

Nostalgia, or for a better meaning, the easiest way to ease our own loneliness... .we look to our past.  This is OUR problem, nothing to do with our ex's... .it's our loneliness, and it's grip on us is what makes us reach for the most recent memories of good... .which brings us to the nostalgic feelings we shared with our exBPD... .and we all know how high that can bring us... .and how low.  Loneliness is our issue to understand and solve, it's probably the most common reason for a recycle, even though we may know it's wrong.  Until we can get out of the FOG and diagnose ourselves and our own issues, Nostalgia rules our thoughts... .and sometimes decisions.  That's OUR stuff... .hard to understand and even admit... .but that's the truth.  Do we really want the destroyers of who we are in our life?... .Or is that our basic human reaction to want them back because that's the most recent memory of comfort and "happiness" however temporary that lasted.  I've learned... .loneliness and how I react to it is solely my issue. 

[StayStrongNow]

Thank you drained1996 and VitaminC your post have helped tremendously. You put things back into better prospective for me,
 I greatly appreciate it.