What am I waiting for?

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It’s been 6 months now since I ended it, and I should be starting to get my life back together, but I’m failing. Dismally failing. I have severe depression as a result of this nightmare, but still I could take small steps to help myself.

Instead, I’m just surviving, waiting for him to make contact. The last time, 5 days ago, he wanted me to soothe his guilt/shame, wanted me to tell him he was a good person, when I refused to deny his abuse he rewrote/twisted history and told me what a terrible person I am. It was a huge battle between us, but I refuse to let him bulldoze me anymore. He hurt and abused me over and over and I won’t let him force me to deny my reality. He has crushed me enough.

But, still here I am waiting. I won’t call him and I feel very strongly about that. I’m also scared if he does call and scared if he doesn’t.

I was thinking about putting a limit on it, my waiting that is. Give myself two weeks to see if he will call and if he doesn’t then start putting it all behind me, block him on phone/email. Is this a good idea or have I become just as crazy as he is. Also, I am not going to apologise for calling him insane. He is. I know this so why am I still waiting! Waiting for what?

[Larmoyant]

It’s been 6 months now since I ended it, and I should be starting to get my life back together, but I’m failing. Dismally failing. I have severe depression as a result of this nightmare, but still I could take small steps to help myself.

Instead, I’m just surviving, waiting for him to make contact. The last time, 5 days ago, he wanted me to soothe his guilt/shame, wanted me to tell him he was a good person, when I refused to deny his abuse he rewrote/twisted history and told me what a terrible person I am. It was a huge battle between us, but I refuse to let him bulldoze me anymore. He hurt and abused me over and over and I won’t let him force me to deny my reality. He has crushed me enough.

But, still here I am waiting. I won’t call him and I feel very strongly about that. I’m also scared if he does call and scared if he doesn’t.

I was thinking about putting a limit on it, my waiting that is. Give myself two weeks to see if he will call and if he doesn’t then start putting it all behind me, block him on phone/email. Is this a good idea or have I become just as crazy as he is. Also, I am not going to apologise for calling him insane. He is. I know this so why am I still waiting! Waiting for what?

[Lilyroze]

Larmoyant,

Well, to be honest I have been in and helped people in abuse situations. I am no expert by an means, but know quite a bit. Wish not the hard way, but I have grown, learned how to be a stronger person, helped others cross a bridge.

Like your Sister mentioned, you can go back. He will take you back, not sure you realize that. So you can stop this small or large heart and soul pain you are having for the moment and go back. Call him today if you like, reach out. But the hard part is the pain won't end. Why is he not chasing you right now? Well you changed the rules.

You looked within and some where some how, a small voice, your soul, your guardian angel, whatever it was showed you this is not right. You began to want more, treated better, stood up. Anger or sadness a few times when he did things. When you came out of the confusion, you understood if even a little you no longer wanted that.

In a normal relationship someone would feel your pain, have empathy, want to change for you, apologize. You are looking for that, right? Unfortunately he can't give that.

So you are hurting and at a crossroads. Since you want him to recycle in some ways and since you changed the rules. You now must write him, tell him you were wrong, no apologies needed and where you live and you can go back to it.

How long your heart can stay, now that you know you are responsible to decide if you want a better life, it is wrong, but you are playing a part in. Well... .that only you can decide.

If you do go back it won't last as long as he will know you are at a push and pull you want treated better, and want what he can't give.

So you can keep your address hidden, don't look on social media, block, and heal, move forward, take responsibility or go back. Only you can decide.

Give yourself love now, self compassion, care, heal, take responsibility for your life, your goals, and  your dreams. You can take your power back. You can learn that he is not responsible for your happiness,  you are. You can do that now, or go back and hurt again worse later.


It is easy to blame another, hurt, be in sorrow. I am there, we all have been. It is harder and more satisfying to look within see what drew us, what part we played. Learn we have to love ourselves, self care, self compassion in order to give our all to ourselves and another now and later.

Life is in the now. Choose to live it or in the past in regret, anger and sorrow.

  to you so sorry you are hurting. It does get better. Try to find the joy in the day even if a little bit.
I say you deserve better, what do you think?

[snowmonkey]

Hi Larmoyant,

I don't pretend to know what you are feeling or thinking, but I do see myself soon being in an identical position that you are in when my r/s finally breathes its last gasps. And please believe you have my deepest sympathy because I know the pain and depression that you are suffering. I almost want to cry now, knowing there is a beautiful person somewhere on the opposite side of the world suffering so much because of the behaviour of someone who never deserved your love in the first place. This life can be so cruel to some of us.

In answer to your question, I know what I will be waiting for. And it is something I will never get, can't ever possibly get. I will be waiting for them to come to their senses, I will be waiting for a REAL apology, I will be waiting for all their wrongs to be righted. Worse, I will be waiting for them to undo all the horrible things they have said and done to us, I will be waiting to go back in time to before they had destroyed what could have been the most beautiful everlasting love that humanity could have known. I will be waiting for the love that I knew I deserved and that I had given wholeheartedly for so long.

In my mind, I know that these things will never come. But in my soul? I doubt I can ever accept these things... .

My thoughts are genuinely with you.

[married21years]

stay strong it will get better

have you considered NC   

[pgri8684]

Hi Larmoyant

I'm on the same boat. I still hope my Ex will contact me even if I know it's pointless.
She does contact me when she needs something or to soothe herself.
It is never because she wants to be kind with me.

We shared a great love story in a fantasy land and of course I'd like to go back to that fairy tale.
My mind and my heart are now almost on the same level. I'm more and more aware of her toxicity.
Personnaly I choose low contact rather than no contact and/or confrontation. I try to stay cool and detached. I hope she'll forget me when she sees I'm useless

So if it's not too hard I suggest to let him speak and not to react: it's impossible to have the last word with a borderline EX

Try to focus on you and your needs

[Panda39]

"Instead, I’m just surviving, waiting for him to make contact."

I agree with the other's comments particularly about the hope that your ex will be the person you hope he will be and he is unfortunately incapable of being.

One of the biggest lessons I learned on these boards was that we can't control other people.  We can only control ourselves... .our actions.  I would suggest taking control of yourself and your life.  Stop "waiting" for him to make contact or do anything for that matter, these are things outside of your control.

Focus on you, what can you do for you?  What could ease the pain?  For me it's things like walks (get those endorphins going to help counteract the depression, enjoy the outdoors focus on the world around you, help your body be healthy... .), I like to make things (crafting will put my mind in the now... .in the moment and I stop ruminating on the past and worrying about the future I focus on what I'm making), go out with friends, read a book... .whatever those things are that you enjoy do them.  Live your life stop waiting... .stop giving him the power to control your happiness you have the power to create your own happiness



It sounds like you are grieving now but you have the power within you to create your own happiness.  You deserve that happiness and you deserve a partner that is truly a partner that is capable of a healthy loving relationship.

Panda39

[gotbushels]

Hi Larmoyant 

I support you! 

I know this so why am I still waiting! Waiting for what?

Well, in some ways, waiting is better than successfully getting drawn into recycles / triangulation, that sort of stuff.

I think it's a really big deal that you refused to deny his abuse. Sticking to the your beliefs helps you keep a hold on your own reality. I think that's important when interracting with a BP. Just think of the alternative, had you not kept to your beliefs, that's kinda consenting him to continue whatever behaviours you don't really want to be a part of. Well done. 

If you're using energy waiting, perhaps you could look at what's making your world sad? Or perhaps you could put it out of your mind and use the energy to do something you really enjoy? Sometimes we have to be the ones to act and move to allow our own happiness. 

[Larmoyant]

Thank you so much for these responses. I will respond when my thoughts are clear, but for now, please know that you have helped me through a particularly sad day, but I'm up on my feet and determined to get through this. I'll be back.

[Larmoyant]

Thank you for helping me get in touch with what’s going on inside my broken soul. I’m lost, isolated. I don’t know who I am anymore and I’m scared to try to rebuild my life. Because I'm scared I want him back. I’m waiting for him so I can have a life back again. His life had become my life. His wants. His needs. I’d lost mine in the process of trying to make it work with him. I tried too hard. I know some of why I did that. It’s right there waiting to be faced.

I feel empowered when I read the words that I ‘changed the rules’. I feel empowered when I realise that I didn’t back down. Didn’t accept his efforts to deny his abuse, and bulldoze my reality again.

I don’t think I’m going backwards just scared of going forwards. I’m waiting, but it’s him that has to step up if he wants to be with me. I’ll own my part. I can take responsibility, but I’m not burying what he did. I can’t help hoping, and I can’t force hope away, but it’s slowly fading. I doubt he will stand up and the strong part of me won’t let him back in unless he does. It’s probably all over, but I have to accept that slowly right now. I’ll get there, but shutting that door completely right now isn’t doable. It’s just too painful, but I’m never going back to how it was. Never and I think that’s a good start. I’m waiting, but not for much longer.

[Lilyroze]

   Larmoyant,

Thank you for letting me see such a beautiful person. Stopped in to check and see how you are today.

Yes so glad you read what I wrote and resonated. You changed the rules, beautiful one. Who knows if he is in counseling, and willing to look within and you are as you said owning your part, you might be able to have a beautiful future. Give it time while you are healing and doing for you. If not there will be someone who treasures you.

Remember there is no path to happiness. Happiness is the path. Love is your key, give it to yourself first, then you can give to another. ( reminder for me as well)

Shine your light Larmoyant it is a beautiful one. Heal and find some joy, you deserve it.  Thank you for letting me stop in.

[almostmarried]

Well,I´m basically the same... ."waiting for something incredible(like the BPD-relationship) to happen... ."