Why did it take me 29yrs to figure this out?

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

After being with my undiagnosed BPD wife for 29 yrs (married for 22, 2 smart, sensitive, beautiful young girls), I finally figure it out a week ago - EVERYTHING came together and everything suddenly made sense - things I could not figure out for nearly 30 years were obvious - how did I miss something so obvious. I am not trying to be boastful, but I am a PhD, top executive in a billion dollar company, people come to me all the time to help them figure things out ... .25 years ago, I remember hiding in the bedroom after a fight writing in a notebook to myself ... ."have the strength to leave" over and over again... obviously I did not. Is MY pathology that bad. It scares me ... .how do I learn to trust myself ... .with myself. 

[Pine Knoll]

After being with my undiagnosed BPD wife for 29 yrs (married for 22, 2 smart, sensitive, beautiful young girls), I finally figure it out a week ago - EVERYTHING came together and everything suddenly made sense - things I could not figure out for nearly 30 years were obvious - how did I miss something so obvious. I am not trying to be boastful, but I am a PhD, top executive in a billion dollar company, people come to me all the time to help them figure things out ... .25 years ago, I remember hiding in the bedroom after a fight writing in a notebook to myself ... ."have the strength to leave" over and over again... obviously I did not. Is MY pathology that bad. It scares me ... .how do I learn to trust myself ... .with myself. 

[lovenature]

It is very tough when the head knows clearly what is best for you but the heart won't listen, I don't have children but I realize that adds to the emotional aspect.

In my case, the intense idealization made me feel so good, and combined with the needy victim/fixer rescuer dynamic made for a powerful bond between my exuBPDgf and I; even before I ever heard of BPD I knew the best thing was to leave but I hung on to hope for far too long, trying to help her and make it work at the cost of loosing myself.

Read, learn, post, try to look at the overall; how was life before, during, and at this point in your relationship?

[Pine Knoll]

Thanks lovenature, I am really struggling. I know, in part, why I have always stayed. My wife is, at her core a good person, a person who, if she did not have this disorder, is arguably a better person than I - at least has goals that I wish we we all had. ... .but who has hurt me so deep for so long, I just don't know if I have any "gas left in the tank" to finish this journey with her. This has happened so recently (this new reality) that I think I need time to ... I need to recover from the "trauma" created by my new understanding. I cried myself to sleep eveynight for the last nine nights... .I need that to end. Thanks for sharing. GR

[formflier]

Green River,

I have had similar thoughts.  I'm a retired Naval Officer and have done some executive work sense then.  Nothing quite as high powered as you... .but CEO level stuff. 

Tons of people come to me for guidance.

Well, since 2009 I have known things were seriously off after a natural disaster affected out family.  We are now at almost 22 years of marriage.  Now that I know what to look for, I can see some hints before 2009. 

Do you speak a foreign language?  As a pretty smart guy... .that's probably the best way to organize this in your head.  You need to learn how to "speak" BPD and operate by their rules.

Note:  You will actually be more true to yourself, because boundaries come first.  At least in my opinion.

Your goal is to protect yourself, provide a loving but firm structure that your wife can feel safe and grow in, and learn to be truly empathetic for her. 

Sure... .lots more details.  Many high powered... .driven guys can lack a bit on the empathy thing.  We tend to have blinders on... as we are chasing a goal.

I'm glad you are here.  You have a lot to learn. 

Can you give us an example of a current issue or dynamic that is causing problems?  We need to figure out where to start.

FF

[Lucky Jim]

Hey GR, Who knew?  I was in the dark for nine years of marriage until a T suggested I take a look at a book, Stop Walking on Eggshells (SWOE).  Have you read it?  If not, it's a good place to start.  Of course I missed the red flags  because I had never heard of BPD and had no previous experience w/PDs.  So there's a learning curve when you get clued in.  Don't beat yourself up!  Like you, many of us found out about BPD long into our marriages.  Suggest you start by changing the focus to yourself and your needs, which includes learning about boundaries.  Many of us have been down this path before you, so you are not alone, my friend.

LuckyJim

[Notwendy]

Hi Green River,

Your raised an important question, and I really believe the idea that there is something about us, our own families that we grew up in that influences who we attract, who we are attracted to, and how we relate in intimate relationships.

I think some of this is something we aren't consciously aware of. Attraction is a mystery and it is individual. Haven't we all known someone in a relationship and thought " what does he/she see in him/her? Haven't  we all had the experience of being interested in someone who was not interested in us- and vice versa? What makes two people click together?

I grew up in a family with a BPD mother and a codependent father. FWIW, both sides of their families have plenty of high functioning members with academic degrees, but emotional awareness, and emotionally healthy relationships are a function of something else. Then there was the unspoken family "rule". Mother is normal. We were not to speak of unless is was complimentary and surely not allowed to speak to others. I didn't learn about BPD until I was well into adulthood with a family of my own. I also took what I learned from my parents as role models- both the good and the dysfunctional into my own relationship. I was used to being blamed for my mother's dysfunction, and it seemed normal to accept the blame for any issue between others and myself. The idea that someone else may have a disorder, that their behavior was not something I could control or be responsible for was not something I knew to consider.

It was easier to see my mother as the one with the problem. Her behavior is obvious. What took me longer was to see my father's role in their issues and how co-dependent I was. In my family, it was the norm to be Mom's emotional caretaker. I got really good at that. It felt normal to me, and also made me attractive to partners who wanted that- and not attractive to people who didn't want that.

Some of us, unless we were brutally abused, may not think anything was wrong in their FOO's and this isn't to blame them. My parents in many ways were wonderful to me. I credit my father for so much good and for the most part, there was happiness in my childhood, and so I was not very aware of the dysfunction. I  think of it in terms of how can this information shed light on what I need to work on.

I think it is important, essential, to learn about BPD but IMHO, I think it is also essential to learn about what role the partner plays in it, why it wasn't easily recognizable. Why did dysfunction seem normal, familiar, and even attractive to us?  What is it about our own issues and boundaries that led us into a relationship with these interactions?

It is possible to have a PhD in a subject and also have to start this journey at the preschool level -which is how I felt. But over time, it has been a worthwhile path and we all start somewhere.

[Succotash]

Green River, I completely understand where you are at. I could, well I actually did, ask the question "why did it take 29 years to figure this out?"   I was at the 30 year mark when I Googled "walking on eggshells" trying to get an answer to why things were the way the were. Outside of the home I also lived a completely different life and would have never accepted the behavior I justified to my three daughters. I have not posted much on this site but have spent hours reading the posts and workshops. It has changed me tremendously.

I have been married to my UBPDW for 33 1/2 years. When I finally decided to protect me and start setting boundaries things turned physical and violent in a flash. I have adjusted that technique and know where to stop, but the reality of trying to stay with a BPD spouse can be brutal. I have a very close friend at work who's wife is also classic BPD. I approached him back in April of this year and gave him a ton of info and showed him this site. He is another person who has been in a LTR with his UBPDW for 26 years. My friend recently had surgery following a motorcycle wreck and while he was out recovering his UBPDW placed a gun in the bedroom, called him in the room and had him lay down. She then pulled a fillet knife and stabbed him in the chest then went for the gun. He was lucky in that  he managed to stop her and hold her down, hit the redial on the phone and get police and medical help. She is now in jail awaiting trial and charged with premeditated attempted murder plus a few more things. My friend had to have open heart surgery and is very lucky to have survived the knife wound. Here's the thing nobody else understands. He does not want to testify against her unless the State of Florida will provide her with mental health help. My wife has pulled a kitchen knife on me twice this year. I can no longer kid myself and tell me this isn't a very serious situation.

Being a career enabler is a tough gig to give up on especially when you have been at it most of your adult life. I read once where a reference was made to a normal relationship vs that with a BPD. The question was do we want to continue on the crazy ride we endure with our BPD's or say enough is enough and opt for a normal life. The comment that was made is there are those who have been in a dysfunctional relationship so long we don't even know what a normal relationship feels like.

My oldest DD is now 31 and manages the Project Managers for a global firm. She figured this out before I did and decided a NC scenario was best for her and has no contact with her mother for four years now. I stayed in this relationship all those years making excuses for Mom's tirades and bad behavior to those kids. We who stayed hoped for the best year after year, and in my case I wish I had been honest and found that strength you wrote about  in that notebook years ago.

I have reached that place where I insist on peace and normalcy in my life, and I am trying to find that balance in this relationship, but history is dictating the resolve I am afraid. I set my "date" and will stick to my plan. I love her and wish nothing bad for her, but I am ready to love and respect myself as well.

[SamwizeGamgee]

Why, indeed, did it take so long? 

I've been married for 19 yrs to uBPDw.  Early last year, I went through the jolting discovery of BPD, as I was reading books to see if I was as bad as my wife suggested.  Up to that point, I was a really good husband by the numbers, and apparently a really good victim and target for manipulation and emotional abuse.  I was deluded into doubting myself, and full of regret, and had a giant pile of bad feelings that I just couldn't name or place anywhere. 

After the discovery of BPD, I followed on my arc of dealing with the grief.  Grief of where I was, how I got there, what my future looked like.  Add that to the isolation, rejection, sexual frustration, guilt, and hidden depression, and it was not pretty.

I've had to claw my way back to health.  It's a path that takes time.  I think one grows incrementally.  Looking back at each time where I thought I really had it figured out, I ended up needing more growth, which usually meant more suffering and painful relationship problems.
Now, I am not done getting better, but, I have created a lot of space between my wife and myself and that has gotten me healthier and happier. 

I do not love my wife, but, at least I don't have panic attacks when she enters the room anymore.   I can't put myself into understanding someone who says they really still love their abuser, but, I believe them when they say that.  Right now, I don't foresee anything more that figuring out a way to endure marriage for long enough to raise the kids.   However, as I grow, maybe the peace will improve. 

As it is, I realized, as you are now, what my situation really is - and that awareness is a huge dose of the cure.

[married21years]

hi green river so familiar

i have discovered i am codependent and a huge overachiever

we throw our self into work and helping others to avoid our issues

well i did anyway

may want to explore co dependency 

[Cat Familiar]

To answer why it took me so long to figure out, I was in an overwhelming fog of confusion in my longterm marriage with my first husband. He constantly created conflict, financial ruin, cheating, chaos, disorder, violence, etc. There were few moments without some impending disaster looming. That I couldn't reflect on the entirety of my marriage makes sense; I was too busy dealing with the moment to moment crises. Having an overview requires time to contemplate.

[Pine Knoll]

Thank you all, ... .so much, really, for sharing your experiences; it saddens me to hear your struggles because I know them all so well, but it comforts me to know that I am not alone and I am not the only one who could go on for so long in the dark (FOG) trying to accepting things and internalize things that I knew in my heart were wrong, but that I also thought I needed to do make my wife happy and find peace.

I don't have much time at the moment, but I wanted to briefly share one thing that I am really struggling with ... .protecting my D's. My oldest is 13 and my uDBPw is acting out toward her  ... .more than I have known... I was talking with her last night and learned that my wife has specifically telling my daughter that she should not talk to me and she should not go to me to "rescue" her. I don't have the time to do this issue justice (I am at work and have to run. My my 13 D has been asking me ... "my is mom so mean to me"; 'why does she blame me for things I have not done"; she says "mom is being paranoid, you know she is"; "I don't want to tell you because then Mom will get mad at you and that is not fair"... .how to I respond to this? My wife already constantly accuses me of triangulating and undermining her (how disrespectful and awful I am what a bad parent I am for doing this... .how I am ruining our children for acting like this ... .you know the story). How do I help my daughter and yet stop triggering my wife? I feel trapped.

Peace and thanks, GR

[Lucky Jim]

i have discovered i am codependent and a huge overachiever

Same here, married21.  Took me a long time to see that care taking others is a way of avoiding self-care.  Now I strive to love and accept myself for who I am, nothing more nor less.

I was raised to be an overachiever, too, and it's been enlightening to accept my shortcomings and mistakes.  It's OK to be human, I've decided!  

LuckyJim