My journal

[Lilyroze]

I have seen the martyr syndrome quizz and have been healing some things in my life from my Mom and sbxUBPD. I did score on it, not as high as I thought, but I have been working on things for quite awhile in my life once I could put a name to my Mom and sbx. I realized it wasn't me, as they were both really good at rages, dramas, triangulation, hurt and gaslighting ( which is huge with them both)

The art of empathy has always been important to me. I grew up reading Albert Schweitzer ( he was my Dad and my favorite) , Norman Vincent Peale, and being the youth group leader appointed to give sermons. Being the one to run penny drives for the Church food bank, being an advocate for women and children.

I have found in my travels on my journey Healthy empathy is a good thing. There is too much NPD in this world, to much all about me, too many parents abandoning their children ( emotionally or physically to be in a fantasy or drug induced world).

I am not here on earth to judge those, I am here to make my world a better place for myself and those in it. You can't live in joy unless you are willing to be at that level for yourself and others.

 At the same time I have boundaries in place I don't want dysfunctional people in my inner circle. Especially if not family etc. I have enough of my own drama I don't need to take on another. Help, or try to guide of course to let it into my soul anymore? No.

I am not putting here for bragging rights to anything just to keep accountable in my healing. I am proud of my life, and what I have done. There is no shame at my core, so how did I end up with some of the abusive behavior, and controlling from some?

I have always been spiritual, an empath and considered an INFJ which tend to be magnets for BPD or NPD. A dear counselor Pastor friend sent me a letter my type is like prime rib to them... .LOL

Don't get me wrong I am not perfect, have made my share of mistakes, but do try to bring, love, romance, help and guidance into my everyday living. To me we make our worlds what we want.

I did realize there is a hurt deep in my core from my Mom, though as an adult I have forgiven. I do realize I am responsible for my own happiness, and try to do that as well as be the person who brings others joy.

True healthy empathy can reduce pain in the world. I do realize now that self care, self love and self compassion is part of that. I try to always pick my own flowers, light my own path, and be a true believer in harmony and balance.

I let that get out of sync with a few adults in my life.

As for my children they are healthy, whole and thriving. I want to guide them, be the best parent, at the same time watch them soar and be capable and proud of their accomplishments.

I realized if they can do it and I can why have I let a few adults with BPD/ NPD dictate my life or make me responsible for all their choices, unhappiness etc. My Mom cut off contact with me silent treatment now for years, when I set healthy boundaries and moved away. I still tried with calls, gifts, love to nothing but silent treatment. She still blames me through grapevine for even current events, and I have had no contact, raise my own children, am kind, and have had no financial as some do from parents. No matter what to certain ones I will be their scape goat.

I don't ever want to do the martyr thing my Mom did that. In trying to be opposite I took on the role my Dad had to always try to make happy. I now realize that is in healthy relationships. You want to cook, do everything for out of love for someone that appreciates your gift from the heart, your love language. I want to continue to help, gift, love, take care, bring joy, a smile, give my heart, but at same time need to do that with healthy people.

I also need to self care, self respect, and self compassion to continue to give healthy empathy. I don't want to change who I am at the core the loving being I am, who God made me. Holding myself accountable though realized he didn't make me a doormat.

My feelings, and my heart and love matter as well as respect. I deserve to be treated honorably, as I treat others.

I also realize that with a few that have given me stress, or those that gave my friend stress we probably gave too much to the wrong people at times. At least speaking for myself.

Going from always having to be the care-taker, and recognizing the drama and stresses if I didn't solve something right then he would go blow money, scream rage, go into hospital, or car accidents or worse. In end emotional blackmail, rages, dysregulation so intense the kids and I didn't recognize him as same person.

I am responsible for me, and want to help others but realize I can't fix or give 100% to unhealthy relationship. I am no longer responsible for the rages or craziness with it.

I will then have the energy to continue to grow, learn, give healthy empathy to those I choose, projects I choose and won't be stressed for my love ones, family, friends and the one I do love.

I love being the giving, loving person, I was and am, now I need the draining energy back that was taken to do that again without drama. I do realize I am responsible.

I have forgiven my Mom, know where she is act. Can love but not like what she does, but will have to keep healing the core hurt with her silent. Same for ex to be.

I will also realize in dealing with such dysfunction for awhile it has made me stressed and non trusting. I will heal that as well.

I always want to be better then the day before, help others, and learn so need to remember to be true to myself on the journey.
 
While writing this ex to be calls to see if he has to work next weekend? Sigh ( if following my posts you will know LC, doesn't live here, spying on me, scaring, might need legal to handle) and wants me to tell him his schedule?... .LOL lesson from universe I guess... .

Blessings All

[Lilyroze]

Well ended up giving him his schedule as he couldn't handle finding his own. It use to be my pleasure to help.

Then holding him accountable would send him into rages so that scared me.

So I am trying to heal the codependency and gave it to him with kindness and grace. Tried to not look at it as failure on my part to hold him accountable to find out on his own. Especially because he is not here, and should be able to do these things himself.

I just want to be in peace, have my children have peace, see me again with compassion, but well it is a little disconcerting again. He is trying to make me responsible for other things now, that aren't mine to handle. I don't mind helping, or caring, but still so scared and hurt that it feels like FOG again. I am acknowledging and healing that.

I have been using the tools in my LC with him, as to be honest I want him calm for himself. He deserves to be able to center. Truly for myself as well as I would get so nervous, sick and scared with the rages. Dysregulation so bad even local police that came after his last incident to make sure I was OK, my co worker bless their heart wanted a check up on me.


I have a feeling he knows I found out and confirmed the spying here, wiretapping, and whatever else.

"If you are building a house and a nail breaks, do you stop building, or do you change the nail?" ~ Proverb

I will consider it and my response grace.

Still plan to attend my retreat. Keep being in compassion, and grow through this. I just needed to not be stressed or scared anymore so I don't bring my stress to others. I can be back to me.

His scaring me or giving me abuse or rages, care-taking all these years don't define me.

Tears are words too painful for a broken heart to speak. I will acknowledge between he and my mom why I use to have silent tears, hurt and didn't want to bother anyone. Now acknowledging the pain, I am healing it, and am being responsible to realize their issues are theirs.

I will forgive all, and see the good in everyone. Though that has gotten me in trouble before, I will see with eyes of wisdom, and understand I can't absorb or fix everyones pain. I can only guide if needed. Ugh working on. My boundaries include now going back to my self compassion and love before all this FOG again took place. I have let abuse happen to many times in my life in the name of love.

 I will be in my core values so that I can see without judgment. Care, be kind but be compassionate to myself and see why I was sick and scared again waiting for turmoil. I did get through it all, and will have a great week. I will give him credit where credit is due today.

I will continue to learn to listen to understand and not reply in my life. To take the time to really listen to others who need an ear.

Finding the joy in the day, being in gratitude for even the day of small, being passionate about my life, hobbies, home and children. Being the best friend I can be to those who need an ear to hear, heart or hand to hold. 

 I want to be the best person I can be, so will continue to research, read, heal, and be in the Now. Every moment has a good lesson, joy or possibility . I will see the positive in all.  

I am responsible for my happiness, and guiding my children to be honorable to their highest best as well. My son didn't want to talk to his father, and I honored that, but we  spoke of his feelings.

I want to validate all in my life,and be humble and thankful for everything I have. Everyone is facing something, so I will find joy, and be kind without complaints. I have been on a challenge of no complaints and joy for 30 days. It is ready to surpass so will continue on to make another 30 days.

 My rules to myself is I can vent here( hehe sorry guys), or on a throw away account I have ( unfortunately it grew somehow) even there I try to motivate myself and be kind but have some responding how deep... .didn't really want responses... .some asking if man, woman? Married or single?  Had one say they are in love from my media... . hehe. Glad could help some just there for me to not vent, or complain in real life. Life is too precious, too wonderful and I need to honor that.

Even if I talk to my certain Dear loved friend again will not bring up my fears or complaints anymore as the rages and abuse have settled a little. I will only let myself vent on the one throwaway ( now bigger anonymous with nosy followers... . account).

I have never really been a complainer but with all the stress, abuse, rages and emotional blackmail at end took its toil.

[Lilyroze]

Like Lavender, robust and joyous, forgiveness is a blessing that flows through our hearts, lighting our lives. It is critical to the soul. Forgiveness is a choice, and the ultimate grace for yourself and another. Releasing pain to transmute into giving your life force its power again. The beauty of forgiveness awaits you. It has the power to change the depths of your being. It will, as you allow the Lord to heal those places that have been so scarred that you thought healing was not possible.

Be kind, full of love, compassion and goals. Don't beg for recognition or love but do give it. "Be so excellent you cannot be ignored>"

I only want what is mine be Divine right, and my desires not that of another's.

Climb beautiful mountains not so the world can see you, but so you can see the world. Stand at the edge of the ocean just because. Dance in the rain, and share crumbs with the birds. Live for today, learn for tomorrow, give to help the future.

"The right man for you will move mountains to be with you, he won't hide behind them." Be there with him, walk beside him, not behind, or in front of. Chose the one that will be your best friend.

Above all care, love, to others and yourself, and be yourself. No one else can be.

It only takes one person to change your life, You! Realizing it takes two to communicate, misunderstand or make it work. I humbly want to revisit, and make way to always do better, and seek to understand, to care and love.