Daughter with BPD ran away

[Slwinner]

My 19 year old daughter ran away from her group home Thursday night. She was in residential treatment for the second time but making no progress. She called me hysterical and I visited her. I thought I had her convinced to stay put but she ran. She's not allowed back so she's homeless. And missing.

She has been diagnosed with bipolar disorder, BPD and ASPD. She has been in treatment for more than 3 years. She's done individual DBT counseling, IOP 5 times, PHP twice and this is her second residential placement.

She left with nothing so she's off her meds, does not even have a change of clothes or a toothbrush. She just ran.

I told her I was going to call the police and her response was I'll be dead before they find me. I told the police this as well as her case managers. One of the case managers was able to contact her and she said she was safe so the police will do nothing. She's on probation for domestic violence against me and her brother so they will issue a warrant and if she's found arrest her. She can't come home due to her violent behavior here.

Basically no one will take action until she misses a court date or breaks the law. Which may be too late. I discovered through social media she's staying with "friends" who are drug users. She's a huge risk taker and the last time she went missing she was almost trafficked into the sex trade. This is not an exaggeration. Had she not sought help at a grocery store where a kind man drove her back to the group home she would have been taken out of state.

I have no idea what is going to happen. I know I have to go gather her belongings from the group home. They need the bed. I can barely bring myself to do this. I have exhausted every avenue for treatment but it seems she does not want help and just follows her impulses.

Pray with me that this does not end in tragedy.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Bright Day Mom]

Oh my goodness, I am so sorry your family is going thru this.

Sending prayers your way.

[lbjnltx]

Prayers for your daughter and for you Slwinner. 

Keep us updated on the situation and let us support you during this difficult time.




lbj

[Yepanotherone]

Oh gosh you must be absolutely out of your mind with worry and living on your last nerve  I'm so very very sorry , keeping everything crossed for you all that some decent news is heading your way xxxx

[wendydarling]

Oh Slwinner, I'm so very sorry, how devastating.    You are both in my thoughts and prayer. WDx

[Slwinner]

Thank you all very much for the prayers. The saga continues. She broke into the house today. She left a mess in the bathroom and ate some food. It breaks my heart to think she's hungry and on the streets. She did not steal anything and for that I am grateful.

I will continue to try and get her back into treatment although it will only work if she's ready for help. Right now she's just living by impulse and has a death wish. This is so very overwhelming.

Please continue to pray she stays safe. Thank you for the support.

[sad_soul]

So hard! Praying for you both!   

[Huat]

Oh Slwinner!  If only there were words to make things all better for you and your daughter!  I hope it brings some comfort to you knowing so many are thinking of you and remembering you in their prayers - and that includes me.

Keep writing!

[Bpd mother]

Both you and your daughter are in my prayers

[Darkbeforedawn]

Slwinner - you poor poor woman!  Mental illness is just so cruel! :'(

I want to ask you something - you said "She's on probation for domestic violence against me and her brother so they will issue a warrant and if she's found arrest her"; and then you said "Basically no one will take action until she misses a court date or breaks the law".  Have they issued a warrant for her arrest? - that would be safer than having her homeless and at risk.

This is such a horrible situation and my worst nightmare.  I am praying for you right now x

[need a break]

So sad I am so sorry. I will hope and pray that you get her in treatment. I private messaged you this morning but had no idea that she came home to eat etc.
I hope she will go into treatment even if to give you a break for awhile. My best days are when my daughter is in treatment. I know she's safe and I am safe.

Please keep me posted

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Flamenco]

Praying for you and your daughter xx

[DisneyMom]

So very sorry, I hope you have some answers soon, and some good news.

[Slwinner]

My daughter is still missing. I've had some limited texts with her and she's staying with "friends" in the area. These are drug users and not safe people.

Case managers have not responded to me. Because she did violate probation by missing court there will eventually be a warrant for her arrest. If they can find her she'll go to jail. Jail is not treatment, more trauma. But may be the best option at this point. No one seems to be in any hurry to get this done. I can't even get phone calls returned.

I spoke with her psychiatrist a couple of nights ago and she will try to get my daughter a psych admission if she ends up in the ER due to crisis. There will be a crisis eventually. That's just how things go with her. Pray she does not die first. This is our best hope at this point.

The most recent thing she said to me was well, I can't wait until you have to bury me. She's always trying to die, always on the dark side, always in pain. Endless attempts to get her help have not succeeded.

I finally got myself some help for the anxiety and panic attacks. It's still hard to put one foot in front of the other everyday.

Met some good people here though. Appreciate the support. It would be impossible to do this alone. Wishing you all well and hoping people can find peace and respite from all this stress. As active as this group is you'd think we'd get some real help and treatment for these kids.

My experience was to be forced to put a treatment together for my daughter that was not comprehensive, expensive and ultimately not effective. And here we are.

Peace

[Bright Day Mom]

I had been hoping she was found and in treatment, I am so sorry.

You have done a wonderful job and she is lucky to have you in her corner ( yet doesn't have the vision to see it ). You are right that jail is not treatment, hopefully it will not come to that, but with her extensive psych history, her dr. can make other accommodations and plead a good case for her.  She needs treatment, locked safe facility w/a dr who is willing to hear her story and take interest in the previous meds that have been unsuccessful - clean slate so to speak.

I cannot begin to image what you are going thru as it must be absolutely horrific,  but know you have many people praying for you all!
 

[wendydarling]

Oh Swlinner, I'm so sorry you are still going through this, a very distressing catch 22 situation for you  .

I echo Bright Day you have done a wonderful job and that your daughter is still texting you, she trusts you despite her words that break your heart, you are her Mum, safe touchstone. I'm glad you have your Dr's support and are doing your best to look after you and your son.  Do you have good friends around who understand and can support you and your son?

You are certainly never alone, we are all walking together.

Have you asked the psychiatrist if they can also speak on your daughter's behalf to the judge for medical lock down and treatment rather than jail?   

Big hug Slwinner.

My daughter shares she feels great shame of her struggles and disorder, that she is a burden.  As if, they are our children, sure it may be a different path, give up on them, never

May your daughter be safe soon. x

WDx

[Skye1947]

I have been there.  My 37 year old death wish borderline daughter is alive and doing well in jail for 2 years.  Her borderline daughter who we adopted ran away for 6 weeks, is home now, actually playing with her 6 year old brother.  Behavior changes from day to day.  I have learned a lot from the books I have read about this and try not to take the cruelty personally but it is hard. I just joined this support group which I find helps a lot as well as friends and family.  From my profession and experience I have learned to tell them what are your boundaries and mean them.  Don't back down and be on the same page with your husband or partner if you have one for they are so good at splitting.  I believe it will get better.  As they say "This too will pass."

[Slwinner]

She's still missing. I know she's in the area with "friends" but won't respond to me, off all her meds and just very sick.

Tomorrow is my birthday. I feel selfish even having a birthday when all I really want is my daughter back. I want to take care of her. Get her back on her meds and the path to progress. I have no idea if this even makes sense to anyone.

This is just so painful. I lit a white candle and prayed for peace tonight. I am more anxious than ever.

I just have to view tomorrow as one more day she's gone. Nothing more or I won't get through it.

I am trying. I really am. But this is just overwhelming. Yes I am on meds, have a therapist, and support from friends. I still just want this to be over.

My dream- a family dinner, I'd even cook it, with both my kids and whomever else would like to be here with us. Shannon's favorites were spaghetti and meatballs or roast beef, mashed potatoes, corn and gravy.

The reality is I probably won't even be able to get off the couch tomorrow.

[Bpd mother]

I will join with you in praying that you receive the peace and strength to get through the day. I visit a site dedicated to St Jude patron saint of difficult or hopeless causes and say prayers off there on a daily basis. It gives me some comfort when I know there is nothing more I can do.
I wish you a calm and peaceful birthday

[wendydarling]

I'm so very sorry Slwimmer, this is so overwhelming as you say and your doing everything you can. When did you last hear from your daughter?

I hope she turns to you for help soon.

I join Bpd mother in wishing you a calm and peaceful birthday and that you may take some comfort from your son, family and friends.

[Yepanotherone]

Slwimmer, I just want to join the others in wishing you some peace on your birthday and hopefully your family can either join you on that  couch for support or else manage to peel you off it , just for a wee while xx I really don't know what words I can offer right now to offer you comfort other than to say I think you are amazing x

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[need a break]

She's still missing. I know she's in the area with "friends" but won't respond to me, off all her meds and just very sick.

Tomorrow is my birthday. I feel selfish even having a birthday when all I really want is my daughter back. I want to take care of her. Get her back on her meds and the path to progress. I have no idea if this even makes sense to anyone.

This is just so painful. I lit a white candle and prayed for peace tonight. I am more anxious than ever.

I just have to view tomorrow as one more day she's gone. Nothing more or I won't get through it.

I am trying. I really am. But this is just overwhelming. Yes I am on meds, have a therapist, and support from friends. I still just want this to be over.

My dream- a family dinner, I'd even cook it, with both my kids and whomever else would like to be here with us. Shannon's favorites were spaghetti and meatballs or roast beef, mashed potatoes, corn and gravy.

The reality is I probably won't even be able to get off the couch tomorrow.

You are amazing ! Even if you don't get off the couch, your still amazing.  We all have this very hard road and some days are worse than others. I am hoping you will be kind and gentle to yourself on your Birthday.