Lashing out at me over my disability

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

One part of my ex's behaviour that I still don't understand was the way he would lash out at me over problems caused by my disability. But only sometimes. Sometimes he could be the kindest, most supportive person I knew. At other times he would get exasperated with me and go on a rant that was more than just angry, it was bitter and almost mocking. For example, I struggle with physical co-ordination and would need help to use a tin opener, things like that. Sometimes just asking him to help me open a can of food or chop some vegetables would produce a rant about how I don't try hard enough. I would protest that I can't magically cure myself just by trying hard, and once I told him that his behaviour was upsetting me, as it was reminding me of all the times when I was made to feel guilty, lazy, or weird for needing extra help as a child. His reaction was, "So if you didn't have this disability, needing help would be something that made you lazy?" He started telling me that I'd basically just called him lazy for not having a disability and how hurtful that was. My head was spinning, but somehow I got sucked in by this logic and spent ages trying to comfort him and persuade him that I hadn't meant to call him lazy. I ended up feeling horribly guilty for being so insensitive to him.

Now I'm just stunned that I didn't notice that this was abuse. I need help to cook and eat; it's not something I can manage alone. By denying me the help, and ranting at me instead, my ex was preventing me from eating when I needed to. Sometimes I would feel so guilty that I stopped asking for help with whatever thing I needed help with, with the result that important things didn't get done. I felt ashamed for even asking. And I still don't understand why he was like this, what purpose this behaviour was serving for him. Does anyone have any thoughts or insight?

[balletomane]

One part of my ex's behaviour that I still don't understand was the way he would lash out at me over problems caused by my disability. But only sometimes. Sometimes he could be the kindest, most supportive person I knew. At other times he would get exasperated with me and go on a rant that was more than just angry, it was bitter and almost mocking. For example, I struggle with physical co-ordination and would need help to use a tin opener, things like that. Sometimes just asking him to help me open a can of food or chop some vegetables would produce a rant about how I don't try hard enough. I would protest that I can't magically cure myself just by trying hard, and once I told him that his behaviour was upsetting me, as it was reminding me of all the times when I was made to feel guilty, lazy, or weird for needing extra help as a child. His reaction was, "So if you didn't have this disability, needing help would be something that made you lazy?" He started telling me that I'd basically just called him lazy for not having a disability and how hurtful that was. My head was spinning, but somehow I got sucked in by this logic and spent ages trying to comfort him and persuade him that I hadn't meant to call him lazy. I ended up feeling horribly guilty for being so insensitive to him.

Now I'm just stunned that I didn't notice that this was abuse. I need help to cook and eat; it's not something I can manage alone. By denying me the help, and ranting at me instead, my ex was preventing me from eating when I needed to. Sometimes I would feel so guilty that I stopped asking for help with whatever thing I needed help with, with the result that important things didn't get done. I felt ashamed for even asking. And I still don't understand why he was like this, what purpose this behaviour was serving for him. Does anyone have any thoughts or insight?

[married21years]

so sorry

all i can think he may be trying to alleviate his guilt at not treating you right by telling himself it is all in your head

if a person with BPD realises they can distort reality for their own purpose.

through their eyes they believe you are capable of the same.

because my ex cheated on me she believed i cheated on her.

because it was natural to do it to me i must be doing it to her.

just a thought i may be wrong 

[UnforgivenII]

What kind of people could do something like this? This was disgusting. Think about his cruelty whenever you miss him.

[balletomane]

I think my disability may have triggered feelings of shame and inadequacy in him - awareness that he had problems himself and needed help, but a sense that his problems weren't legitimate enough for him to ask for support. Although he often seemed to view my disability an excuse for not trying, he seemed resentful that I had a condition affecting me physically, almost jealous. But he'd had one other disabled partner before and I never heard him talk to or about her in the same way.

[SoMadSoSad]

You say that he lashed out only sometimes. So the times he did lash out, might there have been something else that was bothering him during those times.

[VitaminC]

Balletomane, that is very very hard and it must have hurt you a lot. I don't know the reason he might have sometimes acted that way. Is that what you want to know - what his rationale or process might have been those moments?

The times in my life when I have been less than stellar at showing support for someone who was in a weakened position were because something about that frightened me. I was impatient because I recognized some of that weakness in myself and absolutely rejected it in myself.

I think if we are emotionally hidden from ourselves in some way, we want our choice of partner to, among many other things, reflect our best selves - the selves we want to be. If we deny something in ourselves and feel shame or inadequacy about it, one of the ways to react is to hurt the other if they display that. It's a way of punishing the other for what we perceive as unacceptable faults in ourselves.

I think you said as much in your post.

I'm just talking from my own experience of my own psyche and mechanisms.

But can I ask why you are trying to figure this out? I am curious because your own road to wellness seems to have taken you into yourself, which I think is right and the way to heal and so on.

[heartandwhole]

Hi balletomane,

I'm sorry to hear this. It must have really hurt to have someone you love react that way. I have to say that just reading your post evoked some turbulent emotions in me, because the  kind of behavior pwBPD exhibited toward you makes me feel very angry. 

I think  Vitamin C is spot on.  I think sometimes when we see someone struggling, it makes us feel afraid, and we can shut down or lash out, even when we want to do the exact opposite. For me, sometimes I feel anger at people who "act" helpless or seem to be playing the victim (I can't "see" their incapacity, or I believe they are more capable than they are) because I have not been able to acknowledge feelings of helplessness in myself. I rationalize that I "refuse" to be a victim, but I think what is actually happening is that I haven't accepted my own feelings of vulnerability and helplessness in some situations, and  that people are doing the best they can.

I don't know if this happens with pwBPD, but I wouldn't be surprised if it did. Also, I think sometimes when pwBPD feels needy or insecure, anyone who appears to trump their need in the moment can be seen as a threat, and something that has to be minimized so that the attention will go back to him/her. At least I experienced something like that with pwBPD; it was like, "I had/have it worse than anyone," and it was an eye-opener.

I totally understand your reluctance to ask for help. That is so hard for me! I hope you will not let that stop you from asking, though.    Please do. The worst that can happen is that you will get a "no." And that is more information you can use to evaluate your relationships.

heartandwhole