Elderly BPD Mom

[Notwendy]

Got that kind of a call from BPDmom but this time it upset me. It's been a while since this happened, but when it comes to the subject of my father who is deceased, I still am grieving.

Dad's illness and subsequent death were a hard time for me, but an important one. Mom was very upset and abusive and I was overwhelmed by that. It was when I first learned about BPD and decided to stop letting her abuse me. I loved my father and wanted to visit more, but when I did, they both would be angry at me, and for my own sanity, I felt I had to keep boundaries. When I tried to explain what was happening to Dad, he would just get more angry. It seemed like a no win situation.

Mom, at the time, painted me black to several relatives ( who insist she is fine).  They act as if I am the unstable one.

So, speaking to Mom, I get told I didn't visit, how mean I was to her when he was sick and how he thought I didn't care enough to visit him.

That is heartbreaking. I gave up trying to tell him the truth. It just made him angry.

Then Mom starts with how she is old and alone and not feeling well. She has a caretaker, who is very costly, but Dad left her with enough money to have help. None of us kids would want that responsibility. It would overwhelm us.

But it still feels sad to realize this isn't "normal" to leave an elderly parent alone as much as she is. I don't really care what others think that much,  but surely her FOO must think I am a horrible person, not seeing my elderly parents. None of them know the truth about her or at least admit to it. But I am starting to wonder if they do, as they don't seem to visit her much either.

I cared most about my father, and it feels sad to think he thought that of me, and I wish he knew better. If anyone knew about her, it was him. I didn't know much about BPD at the time ,so didn't have the lessons on this board. It was one big drama triangle.

I chose to say nothing to my mother's FOO and let them think what they thought. It also felt like a no win situation- her word vs mine and didn't want to get into that drama.

If anyone has advice for helping resolve the feelings of loss for a parent in this way, I'd appreciate it. I think part of this is coming to terms with his role in this- and mine. I wanted his approval, but it seemed to be contingent on catering to Mom without concern for myself or my family, and I couldn't do that.

Part of this is people pleasing on my part- wanting approval from my father, and I know that I can't really get that. I need to see the reality better and let this go.

Thanks

[MoreGuilt]

Hi NotWendy,

I'm sorry you experienced such a painful phone call.

One thing struck me about your post.  Your mother is telling you what your father thought.  You also mentioned that your father knew the part of your mother that others may not have seen or wanted to admit.  Is it possible he may have agreed with your mother when she complained to be "with her and not against her" and that he may have actually understood deep down why you kept your distance? Perhaps his anger was more of a reaction to her possible reaction or a defensive denial technique?  I could see my father saying something to my mother to keep the peace with her and in actuality having totally different thoughts.  Before I went LC with both of them, he would tell me this.

Not sure what your thoughts are on an afterlife and all, but I would think that he knows now.

Take Care 

[Notwendy]

Thanks for your reply. It helps me to talk about this. I don't have much support from family members. Some on my father's side helped me a lot when he died, but they are now gone too. The only ones left who knew him are on my mother's side and we are not close- and they wouldn't support my experience.


I do believe he knew why I stayed away. I know I told him, but after that, I said nothing about it because he would rage at me. At any other time, I may have been able to deal with that, but I knew he was running out of time, in which case repairing the relationship would not be possible.

He did mostly side with her to keep the peace, but I believe he especially did when he was ill because he was in her care- a situation I had concerns about. However, if I attempted to get outside help- it involved telling someone about her. My parents considered that to be a betrayal.  I did voice my concerns for his well being, yet his response was to ask me to remain silent. He had to know.

He also saw me as the stronger one and would have protected her first. Yet, strong or not, there was a daughter who desperately wanted her Daddy's validation. That is the inner child who felt abandoned in so many ways, and especially when I lost the only parent I felt connected to.

As adults, we have to nourish that inner child ourselves.

I do believe in an afterlife, where one is conscious of the truth. In this sense, I know he understands now. It has been a long time since a call from my mother has triggered these sad feelings- which tells me I have more work to do on me. Thanks for the reply- it does help to talk these out.

[Woolspinner2000]

Hi NotWendy, 

I hate it when you get those kind of calls from our BPD moms. I had them so often too. Anytime I could get off the phone and be able to say, "That was a good conversation," it was a good day. I'm sorry to hear of the upset it brought you. Are there extra things going on in your life that are perhaps contributing to your feeling more vulnerable right now? For me, I know it is getting very close to the one year anniversary of my dad's death, and I find periodic phases of grief or the triggering of it hitting me pretty hard at times.

It sounds like your mom was doing the classic BPD projection of her perceptions and feelings (FOG?) upon you. I can only imagine how hurtful it was to you when you heard her say that "he thought I didn't care enough to visit him." Here's an extra hug for you.   That was very unkind of her, and from your words, I think we can all see how much you cared for him, in spite of the difficulties you had in trying to communicate with him about your mom.

For the longest time my dad defended my mom too. It wasn't until many years after their divorce that he opened up and affirmed his own struggles with her. Do you think your dad ever felt free to really express his own thoughts and feelings? I know my dad didn't. Something my grief group spoke about was that sometimes relationships don't reconcile their differences before a loved one passes, and those that live on struggle greatly with this. While we don't feel at peace, it can be helpful to recognize that they are finally at peace. They would wish us to let go of the things that are bringing us pain, but I know it isn't easy to do so.

As the Wolf frequently says, "We didn't know what we didn't know." You know so much more now about BPD, and you are taking care of yourself. You couldn't change your parents. Only by changing yourself can you become stronger, and you certainly have done that.

May you find peace and rest today.

  
Wools

[Naughty Nibbler]

HEY NotWendy:  

So sorry about the call from your mom.   Your mom may have an agenda to hurt you and may well be telling her own skewed version of what you dad may have said or felt.

Have you tried writing out your thoughts, as if you were to send a letter to your dad.  Sometimes, that can be helpful. 

[Notwendy]

Thanks all, as it helps to tell someone who understands. I think the grief comes and goes, and yes it is around an anniversary of my father's death.

In addition, I think my mother is realizing the consequences of painting me black to her relatives- it has divided the family- and has tried to get me to connect with them. I am not sure I want to.  I have said I feel uncomfortable around them. I know that she is aware of her contribution to that, and it triggers her. So some of this was I think projecting/blaming to me.

I would want to reconcile, if it was possible to have an emotionally healthy relationship, but I think it is wishful thinking, This is my mother's FOO and I think they are also dysfunctional and I don't want to be part of that. I am cordial to them, but they have not made contact with me in years. I have contacted them a few times with little to no response from them.

Lastly, I think she realizes that with my father gone, and me getting better boundaries, she has less power to get me to do what she wants me to do. Before, I would have done what she told me to do as I didn't think I had another choice. I do feel empathy for her- it must be really sad to be in her situation. I don't wish for her to feel sad, but I don't think it is my responsibility to be her emotional caretaker. It makes me sad for her to be alone, but it is hard for me to spend a lot of time with her because of her expectation that I be her emotional caretaker. I don't mind helping her, but I have to keep boundaries.

Yes, that letter to Dad would be a good thing. Grief is hard. I like the idea that he is at peace and wouldn't want me to be sad about him.

Thanks again