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[lakegirl02]

Hi there! Wow! Where do I start? I'm 44 and have just in the past year figured out why my mother has been the way she has all my life. She has never formally been diagnosed but a friend of mine who worked with MHMR suggested I look up BPD and whoa... .so many of the traits fit my mother perfectly.

My mother was in and out of the mental hospital when I was a little girl and put on many different medications but none of them ever seemed to help. I think she and my dad finally gave up and decided it was depression and that there wasn't anything that could be done about it. I learned to help keep the house and do lots of things at an early age. There wasn't a lot of motherly nurturing like my friend's had in their homes. We pretty much walked on egg shells and didn't rock the boat because you didn't want to make her mad.  We certainly never had friends come to our house! She was never violent but would hold you captive with her words.  The only time I remember her really losing it and spanking me relentlessly was when I was in the 5th grade and she then took me to my teacher and made me pull down my pants and show her the bruises.  This day and age, my brothers and I would have been taken away for that. Most of the time, we just hid under the bed until she calmed down or got onto something else. My dad worked all the time, now we know why!

Right after I had my first child, she and my dad came to "help" me and I ended up not only taking care of a newborn but also cooking and cleaning up after them. Needless to say, that when I had my second child, I didn't invite them.  My brother later told me that it really hurt their feelings, but geez... .I didn't care!

She is just so damn hard to be around. She constantly talks about how people have wronged her in the past and won't let it go. Her own brother's and sister's won't have anything to do with her either. And of course, she thinks that my Aunt is trying to steal us away from her. It's all nonsense talk.  I finally decided that I had had enough a couple years ago as my Grandmother (her Mother) was dying in the hospital and they had called all the family in.  All my Mother could talk about was how certain family members had done her wrong in the past and I lost it! I let loose on her and told her that I refused to be around her if that's all she could talk about. I also called my Dad passive and an enabler because he let her act the way she has. Since learning about BPD, I believe he has probably just given up and is just about as dead inside as we are. I can remember asking him over the years why he didn't just divorce her and his response always was that "he loved her and if he did, another man would probably beat her." He really is a good man and has put up with so much over the years. I would love to see him happy and enjoying life. She has never had any lasting true friendships. The only ones she has are on FB and she can unfriend them if they ever disagree with her. She is jealous of my Dad having any friends as well.

I don't see them but maybe once a year and it's always with dread. I would love to be closer to my Dad, especially as he gets older, but I can't spend time with him without her. I call to talk to him on the phone and she always has to have it on speaker phone! I feel so bad, but I have no feelings of Love for her at all and of course, that makes me feel guilty.  I think that is what I regret most is not having a mom like normal woman that I can confide and have a true mother/daughter relationship. I am flying blind with how to have a relationship with my own daughter because I never had it modeled to me.

[P.F.Change]

Hi, lakegirl02. Welcome to bpdfamily.  

I relate to a lot of what you wrote. My mother has BPD also, and though I have tried to have some relationship with my father apart from her, but he is not willing to do that. They both want to feel "helpful" also, and like you I figured out pretty quick that really just means more work for me.   I can't recall a time when I looked forward to them visiting. There's a lot to grieve about not getting the relationship you wish for with parents who have BPD. Some parts of that never stop hurting, but it's possible to feel strong and grounded despite that. The Survivor's Guide in the right-hand margin is a helpful tool.

My first therapist recommended a book to me called "Giving the Love that Heals" by Harville Hendrix. It's about how to love children well even when we didn't have a strong model for that. Kind of old but still good. I observe other families closely and try to emulate the things I think are really good skills when it comes to parenting. I try to make sure my children feel free to feel their feelings and disagree with me respectfully.

Have you ever thought about talking with a counselor? I really needed someone to help me sort out what I was feeling and what I needed to work on. How is your relationship with your parents affecting you day-to-day?

[Charlie3236]

Hi lakegirl02 and welcome! I can relate to a lot of your story with my mother growing up (she finally committed suicide when I was 12), and now my younger sister is following down that BPD path. It's heartbreaking to watch and know that most of them will never ever ever get better. Seems cruel and unfair! But you have a beautiful new family now, and are not obligated to anyone who treats you and those you love disrespectfully.

I'm not saying this is the right path for you, but if you decide to go no contact or limited contact it would be completely understandable! There are also a lot of good techniques in the column to the right-->

One of my personal favs that has worked great with sis is medium chill. That way she seems to stay more emotionally stable. And like you, when things get out of control I just find a way to exit. It's tough, but it's working for us. Best of luck lady!

[Turkish]

I am flying blind with how to have a relationship with my own daughter because I never had it modeled to me.

My T observed that I was "inventing" being a father, never having had one, and a mother with depression, PTSD, and probably BPD (so she admitted when I was in my 40s).

I hear you about not having a parent to confide in... .I go to my friends and peers who are also parents. When my mom kept repeating as a solution to the kids acting out now and then, "the problem these days is that parents (YOU, Turkish) need to be harder on kids (S6 and D3/4)!" I just stopped talking about them. When a grown woman runs away from the home for two hours in the rain with no umbrella because she can't deal with a crying kid, that's not someone I think has much good parenting advice.

How would you say you are doing overall with your daughter? Do you have healthy parents nearby which you can talk to and confide in about normal parenting things?

[Fie]

Hello Lakegirl02,

I too have a uBPDm and a daughter.
I think us children of BPD can be excellent parents because we are empathic. I also did not have a good role model, and sometimes I have no clue on how to handle certain situations with my daughter. But on the other hand I don't think I really need a role model. I just let my empathy and my love for her guide me. My guideline always is that I try to treat her the way I would have liked to be treated by my parents.
Although I admit it probably has happened that I suffocate her with my affection  :-P.

I am flying blind with how to have a relationship with my own daughter because I never had it modeled to me.

Do you feel you have a good relationship with your daughter ? Which are the points where you would like to see improvement ?

[lakegirl02]

Thanks for all the responses. My daughter is 19 now and we have a wonderful relationship and are very close.  I attribute that to my husband's mother and grandmother who have helped me learn to nurture over the years.  I am ashamed to admit that when I was pregnant and they told me it was a girl that I cried.  Not for joy, but out of fear.  I was sure that we would have the same relationship that my mother and I have had.  I have had to fight those feelings over the years and pray alot.  I'm also open and honest with my DD about everything.

I'm so glad I found these boards!

[Fie]

I am ashamed to admit that when I was pregnant and they told me it was a girl that I cried.  Not for joy, but out of fear.

Nothing to be ashamed of I would say. Just a normal reaction due to an abnormal situation.


Congratulations. You broke the circle. And that is something to be so proud of. No matter how much help you recieved from your mother in law and grandmother in law, it is you who did it.

 

[Charlie3236]

I have to second what Fie said... .You broke the cycle and that is cause for GREAT celebration! It's not easy, and it proves you are stronger and more caring than most. Congrats lady! 

[Notwendy]

Hi Lakegirl,

I think you are in the right place here. There are many similarities between your story and mine. I was expected to be my mother's emotional caretaker too, and she controlled interactions between me and my father. Like your father, I think at one point he just lost his will to her. Whatever she wanted was the way things were. She would also listen in on our phone conversations. He was not allowed to give me anything without her permission. This included any money- even for college, and later any heirlooms I would want. He passed away a while back and if I mention anything about being sad that I lost a father, her reply is " I lost a husband" and then a long string of statements about how everyone was terrible to her. Not much empathy from her or her FOO.

The good news is that I broke the cycle and have a good relationship with my kids. This is a light of my life. No mother is perfect,-( I am not) but my kids have unconditional love. The key to this - and all relationships has been to work on myself. It can be done, and I wish you the best when taking steps to learn about BPD in families and ways to learn to interact in emotionally healthy ways.