my exUBPDGF and flying monkeys - 20 months later

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I have been NC with my uBPDex gf for approximately 20 months.

My FB is on lockdown as is my LinkedIn. All this time she has been turning up uninvited at my house, late at night, cyber stalking me and my daughter.

Yesterday I get a call from a NO Caller ID - I answer it as I am expecting a call - regarding fraudulent activity on my Credit report.

It is a "flying monkey" from my ex. Calling to tell me that she started drinking at Xmas (to my knowledge she never drunk - could it have been mirroring as I don't - I don't know) , and it has now spiralled out of control. She lost her job in April due to excessive drinking and turning up stinking of alcohol, she has a new job but has already been put under a disciplinary due to drinking and inappropriate behaviour with another member of staff (she has been there less than 2 months)

After being told all this - I was told that family/friends are concerned about her wellbeing which is why I am getting this phone call. I pointed out that I was her ex of nearly two years and that if anyone is concerned about her wellbeing and health get the relevant medical teams involved and/or police as they would be able to help her not myself.

I then got told that she has rendered herself almost unemployable due to the Police Caution that appears on her CRB. This was due to her threatening me inside my house. Could I please get it removed. I pointed out that I was not to blame for that - she is an adult and should be aware of what is good and bad behaviour and she brought it upon herself and I would not be removing it as I need to look after myself and my family.

According to this "flying monkey" I am to blame for everything in her life and the way it has turned out over 20 months, and I am the one who can fix her and make it better - I pointed out that she is the master of her own destiny and has been all along, I was not married to her and therefore have no obligations financial or otherwise. She is a grown up and makes her own bad life decisions that she is responsible for. I pointed out that she is seriously mentally ill and needs to get a lot of help to proceed with her life in a positive way, not come to me because I cannot help her. the only one who can save her is herself no one else.

I then got asked for new email address so she could get in touch with me - I politely refused to give it, followed by do I have a gf am I seeing anyone. I pointed out again that was nones business apart from my own.

I ended the conversation and then documented it as there is a new identity fraud investigation going on at the moment. I have re-instated block again on my FB and LinkedIn, and getting on with my life.

[greenmonkey]

I have been NC with my uBPDex gf for approximately 20 months.

My FB is on lockdown as is my LinkedIn. All this time she has been turning up uninvited at my house, late at night, cyber stalking me and my daughter.

Yesterday I get a call from a NO Caller ID - I answer it as I am expecting a call - regarding fraudulent activity on my Credit report.

It is a "flying monkey" from my ex. Calling to tell me that she started drinking at Xmas (to my knowledge she never drunk - could it have been mirroring as I don't - I don't know) , and it has now spiralled out of control. She lost her job in April due to excessive drinking and turning up stinking of alcohol, she has a new job but has already been put under a disciplinary due to drinking and inappropriate behaviour with another member of staff (she has been there less than 2 months)

After being told all this - I was told that family/friends are concerned about her wellbeing which is why I am getting this phone call. I pointed out that I was her ex of nearly two years and that if anyone is concerned about her wellbeing and health get the relevant medical teams involved and/or police as they would be able to help her not myself.

I then got told that she has rendered herself almost unemployable due to the Police Caution that appears on her CRB. This was due to her threatening me inside my house. Could I please get it removed. I pointed out that I was not to blame for that - she is an adult and should be aware of what is good and bad behaviour and she brought it upon herself and I would not be removing it as I need to look after myself and my family.

According to this "flying monkey" I am to blame for everything in her life and the way it has turned out over 20 months, and I am the one who can fix her and make it better - I pointed out that she is the master of her own destiny and has been all along, I was not married to her and therefore have no obligations financial or otherwise. She is a grown up and makes her own bad life decisions that she is responsible for. I pointed out that she is seriously mentally ill and needs to get a lot of help to proceed with her life in a positive way, not come to me because I cannot help her. the only one who can save her is herself no one else.

I then got asked for new email address so she could get in touch with me - I politely refused to give it, followed by do I have a gf am I seeing anyone. I pointed out again that was nones business apart from my own.

I ended the conversation and then documented it as there is a new identity fraud investigation going on at the moment. I have re-instated block again on my FB and LinkedIn, and getting on with my life.

[stimpy]

Sorry to hear you've had to go through this, but I think you are right about it being Flying Monkeys and it sounds as if you've handled it very well.

I'm pretty sure my ex lost her job a few months after dumping me and she stalked me for about 10 months after that before finally disappearing.

The words that come to mind with both yours and mine are -

Drama/crisis
Manipulation
Victim identity
Lack of self awareness
Refusal to take responsibility
Guilting (of us)
Cowardly behaviour

And finally trying ot maintain the attachment, long after the relationship has ceased.

Stay strong.

[heartandwhole]

Hi greenmonkey,

Well done for defending your boundaries.    As you said, actions create consequences, and adults are responsible for managing their own lives.

It's sad to hear that your ex's life appears to be spiraling out of control. What feelings have come up for you since the phone call?

heartandwhole

[greenmonkey]

I have no anger, no hatred, no sadness nothing whatsoever.

As my daughter said, she has been a ticking time bomb for a while and has been pressing that self destruct button for a long time.

It confirmed a lot to me that she is very seriously ill and needs help and I did the right thing by removing her from my life.

Whether it will now trigger further stalking etc is yet to be seen, as she has financial worries ( fraudulent activity on credit report) and she is now drinking and she has been effectively abandoned again by myself.

I have enough safeguards in place should it happen, but in the meantime I am getting on and living my life.