Greetings

[ManiacalFairy]

I'm embarking on my first step in figuring out how to manage things with my daughter. She is going to be 18 in November.

Our initial introduction to intensive psychotherapy was almost 3 years ago when she was restricting food and fell off the growth charts and we were faced with the reality of an eating disorder/anorexia nervosa/orthorexia. Since then she has moved on (within the last 6 months) to individual and group DBT. We have been incredibly fortunate to find providers that have supported her well. She has been on several SSRIs and a recent switch to an SNRI was disasterous.

She has been increasingly reluctant to have me involved with her therapists. I did go behind her back (out of desperation) this past week and met with her DBT therapist. I have been suspecting more underlying than depression and anxiety. I presented the possibility of BPD to her therapist (had also mentioned it to her ED therapist some months ago) and though they will not officially say she has BPD they agree that her symptoms are indicative. I am hoping this will help her therapist in tailoring her therapy to suit her needs.

She has been "high need" since she was a very young child. This diagnosis does not come as a surprise. I am so tired of the rollercoaster ride. I'm relieved and terrified of knowing what I'm dealing with. I have started reading "Stop Walking on Eggshells" and it's like a picture of my life! I live day to day putting out fires and planning my next three moves to prevent upheaval, and often failing anyway. I don't see life much beyond today and have put so much on hold because of this disorder, and I'm exhausted! I have just started seeing a therapist for myself. I'd like to fit in family therapy but time and money just won't allow it at this time.

I have a son who is 15 and I know he struggles with his sister's behaviors. And a fiance that has taken a back seat for the past 4+ years.

I'm sure I could write a book but I'm at work (I'm an oncology RN working in outpatient infusion). I look forward to learning from an empathetic group of people!

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[lbjnltx]

Hello ManiacalFairy,

So glad to have you here with us on the Parenting Board.  It sounds like you are on the right track with your daughter's therapy.  How long has she been in DBT and group DBT?  What does she say about it and do you notice her using any of the DBT skills she is being taught?

One of the things I realized early on in my d's care was that I needed to know what she knew as far as skills went.  I can use the same skills she learns to "get off the rollercoaster", I can model those skills for her and be a living example of their use and effectiveness, I can also remind her to use the skills before emotions get out of hand.  When we were working from the same knowledge base we had more success and it helped build trust in our relationship.

Are you also learning the DBT skills?

I look forward to hearing back from you.

lbj

[ManiacalFairy]

Thanks lbj for the welcome! The only DBT therapy I could find locally and that takes my insurance is individual for her and group for her. At the end of each segment is a parent/child session but it's not extremely helpful. I have started seeing a therapist for myself but it's only been 2 sessions and so far mostly a chance for me to vent.

I'm reading SWOE and plan to get the workbook next. I find it very difficult to do even the validating responses because I want to jump in and start fixing things, being rationale and giving advice. I'm struggling with heading off the escalation into her "red zone" and knowing how to respond while she's in it as well.

[lbjnltx]

Thanks for getting back to me ManiacalFairy!

One can learn the DBT skills through reading online... .we have several articles and workshops on DBT and there are websites to help guide daily practicing of skills.  There are also workbooks that you can purchase and do on your own.  Many of these skills will help you to learn to slow down your reaction time and respond in more helpful ways. 

There is a very good resource to learn validation and how to ask validating questions.  The Book "I Don't Have to make Everything All Better" by Gary and Joy Lundberg is excellent (and cheap used online).  We also have a lot of info on validation and workshops here to help.  Funny thing is that when we have a skill to replace our previous "reactions" we often times see our kids doing the same... .being heard and understood can be very soothing to those intense emotions of theirs and that creates the space for them to use their skills.

Here is a link to the Book Review.

https://bpdfamily.com/book_review/gary_lundberg.htm

lbj

[Skye1947]

I can definitely relate to your situation.  I have a 16 year old borderline daughter whose mother was borderline.  I struggled through my daughter's situation by reading on the disorder and attending Al Anon meetings as my daughter was also an addict and at that time that was the only support group in the rural area where I lived.  I also had great support from my family and friends.  The group helped me tremendously as well as reading all the literature.  I also am in the medical profession and went through many years of therapy myself. As far as the DBT you can do it yourself and in my opinion the family therapy does not work any more than medication as usually they are too volatile to participate. Medication on my 16 year old was disastrous!  I am relearning the cognitive therapy myself and using it with my daughter, myself and the rest of my family.I find it helps to review it as much as you can.  The thing that helped me the most was realizing this was not my fault and I did not cause it.  I am still learning and new to these boards which have helped tremendously.  Good luck and hope this helps.