I broke NC rule and am disappointed myself

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

I have posted previously, I was doing well with the NC but I got another email stating a package I had ordered went to his home.  I lived with him briefly a year ago. I requested he leave it outside and Ill get it and that stated a barrage of begging and pleading emails. He cant eat, lost weight and is depressed etc... .  Around and around the same arguments. I let him get to me again and I question my judgement and how my part in the relationship caused its demise and also whether my perception of his actions were as bad as I think they were.  Now he is accusing me of "abandoning" him and his kids because I wont work things out with him.  The most hurtful comment though is that I was never affectionate with his kids or cuddled with them like my own kid.  I got along with his kids well and always made plans for all of us to do as a family- but I didnt feel like I wanted to kissor cuddle them. One is early teens, a young woman, and the other is an 11 year old boy who acts like a tough guy. He was more difficult because of his behavioural issues- anger, and defiance issues like the father.  He was not always nice to my kid who was 6. I still played sports with him, watched movies, joked around. Apparently, I wasnt the mother figure I was supposed to be for them and they are "hurt" by my actions? My kid is the affectionate type by nature and hes my son so of course Im going to be affectionate with him, as well as everyone else.  The ex is accusing me of not "bonding" enough and not treating the kids all alike.  I though I had nice relationships with them since half the time I was broken up withthe dad.  IS my perception the one thats off? Im expected to love the kids the same way I love my own?  Shouldnt thier mother be cuddling them if thats what they want? The father doesnt, but Im expected to? I cant seem to do anything right by this guy.  I told him I apparently cant make him or his kids happy with the skillset I have so he must find someone who will. I left it at that.

[Forgetit]

I have posted previously, I was doing well with the NC but I got another email stating a package I had ordered went to his home.  I lived with him briefly a year ago. I requested he leave it outside and Ill get it and that stated a barrage of begging and pleading emails. He cant eat, lost weight and is depressed etc... .  Around and around the same arguments. I let him get to me again and I question my judgement and how my part in the relationship caused its demise and also whether my perception of his actions were as bad as I think they were.  Now he is accusing me of "abandoning" him and his kids because I wont work things out with him.  The most hurtful comment though is that I was never affectionate with his kids or cuddled with them like my own kid.  I got along with his kids well and always made plans for all of us to do as a family- but I didnt feel like I wanted to kissor cuddle them. One is early teens, a young woman, and the other is an 11 year old boy who acts like a tough guy. He was more difficult because of his behavioural issues- anger, and defiance issues like the father.  He was not always nice to my kid who was 6. I still played sports with him, watched movies, joked around. Apparently, I wasnt the mother figure I was supposed to be for them and they are "hurt" by my actions? My kid is the affectionate type by nature and hes my son so of course Im going to be affectionate with him, as well as everyone else.  The ex is accusing me of not "bonding" enough and not treating the kids all alike.  I though I had nice relationships with them since half the time I was broken up withthe dad.  IS my perception the one thats off? Im expected to love the kids the same way I love my own?  Shouldnt thier mother be cuddling them if thats what they want? The father doesnt, but Im expected to? I cant seem to do anything right by this guy.  I told him I apparently cant make him or his kids happy with the skillset I have so he must find someone who will. I left it at that.

[married21years]

dont beat yourself up 

painting someone black is a defense mechanism for someone with BPD

they distort reality, to  reduce their pain and shame.

they are controlled by there emotions and reducing them.

reality is just another victim.

once you realism reality is distorted for them.

you realize that they may believe what they are saying but it is not reality. it is just them slipping into fantasy to ignore their pain and issues.

 

[VitaminC]

Hey there Forgetit,

I see from your previous posts that you are trying very hard to stop your contact with this man, and that he is not respecting your need and stated wish to do that. I see also that he is very angry and focused on blaming you and finding fault with whatever he can.

I think what you say in another of your posts, that he will do anything to draw you back in to an argument, is right. It is a way of keeping you engaged, which to someone with abandonment issues (if he has BPD that is what he has), is the one thing that is hardest to let go of - an attachment.

I get that you tried hard with his kids and being told that you'd somehow done the wrong thing is hurtful and unfair. You will not take that to heart, will you? It's hard to not let things in sometimes, and question our own judgement and perceptions. It took me nearly 3 months of having no contact with my pwBPD to see that my judgement was just fine.

Have you read this? https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=139972.0

There's more, but here is a quick copy of the first post.

"JADE means to justify, argue, defend, and/or explain. Dexify is a similar term meaning defend, explain, and/or justify.

What does this all mean? Surely there are time when we should explain, or defend, or justify.

Don't JADE or Dexifty is the antidote for false accusations.

The main problem in day-to-day life is that when you choose to JADE or dexify, you almost always sound guilty-as-charged. And if some part of you feels insecure about the charge, you may end up wondering-fearing-believing that it must be true."

You don't need to keep going around the same arguments. We've all experienced it and the more we try to reason, the less reason there is, until we forgot what the argument even was about in the first place, sometimes.

If he can't eat, sleep, or otherwise function, that is not your problem.

"I cant seem to do anything right by this guy.  I told him I apparently cant make him or his kids happy with the skillset I have so he must find someone who will. I left it at that."

That sounds clear and final.   How do you feel now?

[Forgetit]

I feel I did the right thing by breaking it off, now he's trying to coerce me to come back to him- in between telling methe woman he dated while we broke up was so great and Ishould feel  so special he dumped her for me... .UGH.  Odd the guy would want me back in his life since Im so dissatisfying for his kids and himself. The former fling is what he resorts to in arguments to try and make me jealous by telling me how great she is and he level of education and income is better than mine, and shes 12 years younger than me.  Childish.Thise comments are what drive me away and confirm Im making the right descision by leaving.  His ploy backfired on him.