Advice needed re surviving a visit from the pwBPD's enabler mom

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I feel selfish posting this, as I haven't yet provided support and/or suggestions to other members, but this is the worst night of the past year with my SO. By way of intro: Diagnosed with BPD, yet frequently aggressively (and wow do I mean aggressively) denies there's anything at all wrong with him (interspersed with episodes of crushing self-esteem crises about, in his words, "how crazy and dysfunctional" he is.) Unemployed by choice, co-morbid drug addiction, in his 40s, (as am I - the age bit, that is!).

I've been through it all, for a year and a half, and this is far from my first encounter with his crazy-making (gaslighting, projection, denial, etc). But his mother is here visiting this week, and I'm frustrated to the point of debilitating despair - she's an enabler, and she just cast me as the problem in today's discord between her son and I.

He lashed out at me in classic rage, and although I did manage to stay calm, and was careful with language in my response, I refused to concede to his demand that I agree with him that his unhinged raging was my fault. (It truly wasn't.) When I chose to be out of the house for the remainder of the day for my own emotional well-being (didn't leave in a huff or a flurry of packed bags, just excused myself and said I'd be back late), I was accused by both of them of "creating unnecessary drama" by doing that.

She's spent 25 years looking the other way/excusing him/reinforcing his disavowal, no matter how extreme his actions - e.g. he physically attacked and starting choking his sister when they were in their 20s, and Mom just shrugged it off. He's the baby of the family, and in her eyes can do no wrong. It's always the fault of everyone around her son, never him.

I want to scream. It's so profoundly invalidating of the reality of the situation; I'm used to that from him, but perhaps the additive wound of a second voice doing the same finally broke this camel's beleaguered back? But it's more than that - that willful blindness, that disavowal, it just makes me so frustrated. I'm doing a poor job articulating my state - and really this post amounts to basically venting, which I feel I haven't earned the right to do yet on the boards. But maybe there is a question here, and advice sought, however stupid the question inherently is: What can I do to feel better right now? It's after midnight here, and I'm exhausted, emotionally wrung out, and can't sleep. And she'll be here for five more days, so I have to slap on a fake smile and pretend everything's grand. This feeling isn't going to go away - at no point do I anticipate looking at her and thinking to myself "You're right, your son is an angel, and I'm just a pot-stirrer, making trouble." How do I get through the next five days? (All of which will have to be spent together with the two of them, for logistical reasons related to my stepson).

(I do realize I have bigger issues to deal with, not least deciding whether it's time to leave this relationship, but for now I just want to get through this awful night. I hope it's okay to ask for that kind of support.)



_{You cannot find peace by avoiding life. Virginia Woolf}

[LightnessOfBeing]

I feel selfish posting this, as I haven't yet provided support and/or suggestions to other members, but this is the worst night of the past year with my SO. By way of intro: Diagnosed with BPD, yet frequently aggressively (and wow do I mean aggressively) denies there's anything at all wrong with him (interspersed with episodes of crushing self-esteem crises about, in his words, "how crazy and dysfunctional" he is.) Unemployed by choice, co-morbid drug addiction, in his 40s, (as am I - the age bit, that is!).

I've been through it all, for a year and a half, and this is far from my first encounter with his crazy-making (gaslighting, projection, denial, etc). But his mother is here visiting this week, and I'm frustrated to the point of debilitating despair - she's an enabler, and she just cast me as the problem in today's discord between her son and I.

He lashed out at me in classic rage, and although I did manage to stay calm, and was careful with language in my response, I refused to concede to his demand that I agree with him that his unhinged raging was my fault. (It truly wasn't.) When I chose to be out of the house for the remainder of the day for my own emotional well-being (didn't leave in a huff or a flurry of packed bags, just excused myself and said I'd be back late), I was accused by both of them of "creating unnecessary drama" by doing that.

She's spent 25 years looking the other way/excusing him/reinforcing his disavowal, no matter how extreme his actions - e.g. he physically attacked and starting choking his sister when they were in their 20s, and Mom just shrugged it off. He's the baby of the family, and in her eyes can do no wrong. It's always the fault of everyone around her son, never him.

I want to scream. It's so profoundly invalidating of the reality of the situation; I'm used to that from him, but perhaps the additive wound of a second voice doing the same finally broke this camel's beleaguered back? But it's more than that - that willful blindness, that disavowal, it just makes me so frustrated. I'm doing a poor job articulating my state - and really this post amounts to basically venting, which I feel I haven't earned the right to do yet on the boards. But maybe there is a question here, and advice sought, however stupid the question inherently is: What can I do to feel better right now? It's after midnight here, and I'm exhausted, emotionally wrung out, and can't sleep. And she'll be here for five more days, so I have to slap on a fake smile and pretend everything's grand. This feeling isn't going to go away - at no point do I anticipate looking at her and thinking to myself "You're right, your son is an angel, and I'm just a pot-stirrer, making trouble." How do I get through the next five days? (All of which will have to be spent together with the two of them, for logistical reasons related to my stepson).

(I do realize I have bigger issues to deal with, not least deciding whether it's time to leave this relationship, but for now I just want to get through this awful night. I hope it's okay to ask for that kind of support.)



_{You cannot find peace by avoiding life. Virginia Woolf}

[motherhen]

Welcome and vent away. I doubt many people find this forum during a great time in their life. 

How to get through the next 5 days? First of all excusing yourself was great and go you. Do it again if you need to and no worries about how they spin it. You can say "I don't see it that way" or "I don't agree". You aren't going to fix 40 years of family dynamics in 5 days so let's just worry about keeping you sane. Build little breaks into your day even if it's out of your normal routine. Take walks, suddenly need something from the store, or take a really long shower.

What can you do to feel better? Take deep breaths. Visualize a peaceful place and go there in your mind. You aren't going to fix this in the next 5 days but you can continue to rise above if you are careful to give yourself breaks and vent here as needed.

[Circle]

Hi,
Welcome aboard! Sounds like you are sort of aware of how to go about things (like leaving calmly, and not in a huff, careful with replies/language). I wouldn't accept responsibility for what you didn't do. And, I also would try not to get pushed into a conflict. Keep your calm, centered place.

Staying calm, like the list to the right says >, may involve #2: taking a step backward. So far, you have made good moves. In order to continue to do so, you may need to step back: take a solo walk, some time away to read, watch a movie alone, go to bed alone & early, take a nap alone, etc. While this may mean putting a wrench in plans, it could keep you centered and avoiding a catastrophic blow-up. You could leave altogether, or you could let them bash you/own up to what you didn't do; both bad ideas at this point. So, why not take the middle road, stay, and stay calm. They probably will get pissed; but hey, if you don't bite, it loses any dramatic value.

Keep posting. It's helpful to readers too.

"And in the end, the love you Take is equal to the love you make" -Beatles

[LightnessOfBeing]

Thank you so much! Your response made me realize that what I most needed to hear was that my choice to step away was valid. I do feel (internal) pressure to not do things that they can put a negative spin on - and that's odd, because I'm not really a person who cares over much about how others see me. No surprise to anyone here that being with a partner who has untreated BPD comes with lots of invalidation, but it's not something I'm used to. My two long-term relationships heretofore were healthy and wonderful, and this year and a half with new SO has been a trip down a rabbit hole that has me reeling. And the whole 'Validate me constantly and in all things, even when I'm clearly wrong/unkind, but let me invalidate you always' thing is getting old 

This community seems like a life and/or sanity-saving source of support, thank you for the helpful response.

[LightnessOfBeing]

Hi,
Welcome aboard! Sounds like you are sort of aware of how to go about things (like leaving calmly, and not in a huff, careful with replies/language). I wouldn't accept responsibility for what you didn't do. And, I also would try not to get pushed into a conflict. Keep your calm, centered place.

Staying calm, like the list to the right says >, may involve #2: taking a step backward. So far, you have made good moves. In order to continue to do so, you may need to step back: take a solo walk, some time away to read, watch a movie alone, go to bed alone & early, take a nap alone, etc. While this may mean putting a wrench in plans, it could keep you centered and avoiding a catastrophic blow-up. You could leave altogether, or you could let them bash you/own up to what you didn't do; both bad ideas at this point. So, why not take the middle road, stay, and stay calm. They probably will get pissed; but hey, if you don't bite, it loses any dramatic value.

Keep posting. It's helpful to readers too.

"And in the end, the love you Take is equal to the love you make" -Beatles

Thank you! This is such sound advice. I always thought I was a very strong person, but it does get hard not to defend oneself - or, for me, it's really about defending reality per se. I'm doing all you suggest, but also realizing in the process of doing so that it feels like having an intimate relationship with someone with BPD - when you're doing all the self-effacement, 'going along', detaching, etc that's required for some measure of peace (i.e. not 'provoking' their tantrums) - isn't my idea of a real spousal relationship. My concept of a real relationship is of two people who truly connect, who have some basic shared beliefs about each other and their interactions - not broad or abstract beliefs, but concrete and specific (e.g. pwBPD insists I literally "yelled at him"; everyone at the table notes that I didn't even raise my voice, that kind of thing.) For me, facts create feelings; for him, feelings create facts. As such, it feels like we don't share the same reality, and that's such a huge gap in what is supposed to be a relationship of closeness, of some basic accord. The kind of relationality that I'm discovering occurs with someone wBPD feels... .superficial? Fake? And that makes me sad. If someone only 'loves' you when you're functioning as a compliant self-object to them, and hates you when you fail in that function, I don't see how that can that be called authentic love.

/digression  Thanks for your kind and helpful reply! Middle road here I come.

[Circle]

"As such, it feels like we don't share the same reality, and that's such a huge gap in what is supposed to be a relationship of closeness, of some basic accord. The kind of relationality that I'm discovering occurs with someone wBPD feels... .superficial? Fake? And that makes me sad. If someone only 'loves' you when you're functioning as a compliant self-object to them, and hates you when you fail in that function, I don't see how that can that be called authentic " -L.O.B.

Good point. For me, there aren't many people that I feel I share the same reality with. And, like you say, even less so at times with a BPD friend. I'm trying to move my BPD relationship into more of a friendship. It seems a little more appropriate of a place for me. However, it has taken such a large, brutal amount of energy and finesse, that I can't say whether it has really been worth it, or not? Great point about being a 'compliant self-object'; lots of truth in that. Hang in there.

[Notwendy]

You aren't selfish for posting. We all contribute what we can. As to advice, for someone starting to learn about these types of relationships, consider that not much can be done to change things ( if at all) in such a short time. So IMHO, my advice would be to do what you need to do to keep your sanity during this time.

Family dysfunction tends to affect all family members ( to some extent, some worse than others) and through generations. If your SO has issues it is no surprise his FOO does too. And this dysfunction is familiar to families so it can feel "normal" to him while it feels crazy to you.

A helpful model for me is the drama triangle. Three is a triangle and this visit involves the three of you. Beware of triangles!

For the short run, neutral stand may be the best for you. Whatever they do, they are going to do. Their relationship preceded your SO's relationship with you. With mom here, there may be little you can do to focus on your relationship.

Think of ways to take care of yourself. Let him have mother -son time together. Do you have a friend you can visit, a sudden "project at work" you need to take care of? Something you need to go to- like your eighth cousin's wedding that you just have to attend?

This too shall pass. In the meantime, keep learning and keep posting.