Healing, pass it on

[bus boy]

I've heard it said, if you want to keep it, give it away. Healing from emotional abuse is a process not an event. We have many small light bulb moments that eventually add up into healthy healing. I would like to share one of those moments. Yesterday my T said " if your thinking doesn't change than your behaviour doesn't change" that opened something up in my brain, like an instant release of pain. We feel good but it takes a long time to release all the pain. Those words helped to clarify in my brain all the work I've done on me, how much I have changed. It helped to clarify how my ex's thinking has not changed, only got worse so there for her behaviour is the same. When we see them with the replacement it hurts us, helps to cement the feeling of it must of been us but when they exhibit the same thinking, they didn't change. They are not by some miracle a new and improved person with the replacement. They are still a wolf in sheeps clothing. Same sheep different victim.

[UnforgivenII]

Thank you for sharing.

[rfriesen]

if your thinking doesn't change than your behaviour doesn't change

Excellent point. And I would add the converse as well -- If your behaviour doesn't change, then your thinking doesn't change either.

It's really a lot of small steps forward. And in the very beginning of moving on from a difficult relationship, it might be easier to change what you do than what you think/feel. At least that was my experience. We often cannot control what we feel or think. We have more direct control over what we do. We can force ourselves to get out of the house, to exercise, to take our work to a coffee shop, to get off social media. It's not always easy, of course, but we have more control over what we do than what we feel and think. And by changing what we do, we gradually change how we think as well. Step by step.

[pgri8684]

When we see them with the replacement it hurts us, helps to cement the feeling of it must of been us but when they exhibit the same thinking, they didn't change. They are not by some miracle a new and improved person with the replacement. They are still a wolf in sheep's clothing. Same sheep different victim.

Thank you very much for sharing. I can exactly relate to the last part of your text; My Ex exhibits the same bad behavior (anger, criticism, selfishness, victimization, manipulation) towards her new colleagues -she was transferred to another office, and towards me.
Yet she is in the honeymoon phase with her new caretaker and tells urbi et orbi how wonderful he is; so it is not enough to change her; she is still a wolf in sheep's clothing