Just found out my BPD ex cheated on me for at least a month before dumping me...

[LostInMemories]

Hello people,

As some of you may know from my other topic, I tried to contact my ex about a month or so ago. Still not having a reply (blame facebook's ___ty message system) I checked today if she read/replied yet. I saw her last post, celebrating her 1.5 year relationship with her new victim. She posted this on the first of June. The thing is, she only broke up with me the 26th of December 2014... .I'm not a mastermind, but if I'm correct that means she got together with him 1 month before breaking up with me. (Since the 1st of January until the 1st of June is 5 months, not 6, so it must be the 1st of December). Surprisingly I'm not feeling that hurt at all. Might be because the reality is not yet kicking in. I don't know, just wanted to share this with y'all. I feel like calling her right now and going mad at her. Can't f*cking believe she did that... .Seems like my gut feeling was right all along... .

[Lifewriter16]

That's tough, Thijmen156. I'm not surprised you're cross. Does this knowledge help you trust your instincts more though?

Lifewriter x

[LostInMemories]

Thanks for your relpy

It does, tho to be honest I've always trusted it, but wanted it so badly to be wrong, I just pushed it away I guess...

Feel so confused, numb really, surprisingly. Reality might kick in later

[Lifewriter16]

I can understand you wanting to push the knowledge away, wanting it to not be true. It's a big thing to find out that the person you trusted has betrayed you.

It's also perfectly normal to go through a period of feeling numb after an emotional shock. Reality will kick in as part of the healing process. Keep posting here as those feelings come up, it helps to get them out.

Lifewriter x

[LostInMemories]

Thanks Lifewriter, I will definitely do that

[myself]

Could some of the 'numbness' actually be detachment?

[LostInMemories]

Could some of the 'numbness' actually be detachment?

Might very well be, but I don't want it to be. I don't know how to explain, its like I DO want to get over her, but at the same time I don't and I'm scared to admit to detachment feelings. God why is this so complicated... .

[KarmasReal]

She could have just rounded up sounds better than 1.4 years. No need tithing negatively if you don't know for sure.

[Rayban]

She could have just rounded up sounds better than 1.4 years. No need tithing negatively if you don't know for sure.

I know my ex was awful with dates and calculating timelines. It's probably because she had too many to remember or keep track of

A lot of my frustration comes from the fact that my gut was telling me that things including cheating were going on, but in the fog I just let it slide. Sometimes I think she would give hints on purpose. Just yesterday I was thinking back on a conversation with her, where she said did I ever take you to such and such a restaurant? I have a good memory for these things especially a date involving her. Her ... .not too much. Obviously if she wasn't there with me, it was with some other guy.

[Icanteven]

I feel like calling her right now and going mad at her. Can't f*cking believe she did that... .Seems like my gut feeling was right all along... .

I will tell you a very true story from personal experience:

I know a woman who is BPD who was with an incredibly kind, smart, successful, attractive man.  By universal acclaim, he was the catch of catches.  This did not stop her, however, from cheating on him with five other men at the same time.  Five.  And her justification was that he was too busy being successful and not paying enough attention to him that he kinda sorta deserved it.

But wait, there's more:  the five men she was cheating on him with at the same time at the end of their relationship?  Those were just the steadies.  There were numerous other instances of her cheating on him with acquaintances and coworkers and pretty much any attractive man who was willing and able to do the deed.

So, so, so, so much infidelity.  Some years later, we crossed paths, and she knew that I'm still in touch with this man so she asked me how he was doing.  I was dumbfounded.  Why do you care, I asked her?  "Because I still care about him and want him to be happy."  To which I responded, "if [... .] knew 1/10 of the things you had done behind his back during your relationship he would never speak to you in this life or in any to come."

She had absolutely no compunction about cheating on a man she still claimed to love years later. And therein lies part of the rub around the disease:  she spent her whole adult life with backup plans to backup plans to always always always ensure that she would not be alone, her bed would never be cold, and that she was in control. 

I'm sure there are just as many stories of men doing this to their wives/fiancees/girlfriends, but gender isn't the point; the point is that BPD folks are wired so different than the rest of us that it boggles the mind the depths of what they'll do to avoid abandonment (perceived or otherwise).

tl;dr:  this ain't about anything you did or didn't do, it's about her illness.

[LostInMemories]

I feel like calling her right now and going mad at her. Can't f*cking believe she did that... .Seems like my gut feeling was right all along... .

I will tell you a very true story from personal experience:

I know a woman who is BPD who was with an incredibly kind, smart, successful, attractive man.  By universal acclaim, he was the catch of catches.  This did not stop her, however, from cheating on him with five other men at the same time.  Five.  And her justification was that he was too busy being successful and not paying enough attention to him that he kinda sorta deserved it.

But wait, there's more:  the five men she was cheating on him with at the same time at the end of their relationship?  Those were just the steadies.  There were numerous other instances of her cheating on him with acquaintances and coworkers and pretty much any attractive man who was willing and able to do the deed.

So, so, so, so much infidelity.  Some years later, we crossed paths, and she knew that I'm still in touch with this man so she asked me how he was doing.  I was dumbfounded.  Why do you care, I asked her?  "Because I still care about him and want him to be happy."  To which I responded, "if [... .] knew 1/10 of the things you had done behind his back during your relationship he would never speak to you in this life or in any to come."

She had absolutely no compunction about cheating on a man she still claimed to love years later. And therein lies part of the rub around the disease:  she spent her whole adult life with backup plans to backup plans to always always always ensure that she would not be alone, her bed would never be cold, and that she was in control. 

I'm sure there are just as many stories of men doing this to their wives/fiancees/girlfriends, but gender isn't the point; the point is that BPD folks are wired so different than the rest of us that it boggles the mind the depths of what they'll do to avoid abandonment (perceived or otherwise).

tl;dr:  this ain't about anything you did or didn't do, it's about her illness.

I have only just read this, thank you. It makes perfect sense. They are wired so differently that we will never understand.

[woundedPhoenix]

Hey Thijmen156,

it happened in my r/s too, my BPDex even had a nice term for it when i confronted her, and without even the slightest amount of guilt in her body language she told me:

"I am really sorry, i guess i made a FADE-OVER".

BPD folks don't end a relationship, heal from a breakup, and then move on. They don't even really break up... .They Fade Over.

[lovenature]

I know it's tough finding out they cheated; mine was cheating on me for a long time while projecting it onto me, I never had proof but after learning about BPD and putting things together it was pretty obvious, probably with multiple people.

Cheating by pwBPD is common; when you get too close and trigger their fear of engulfment, and then abandonment, they are known to go back to an ex. or find another replacement. To me the saddest part of the disorder is the closer you get, the more you are pushed away-the one's they hurt the most are the one's who love them the most.

[pjstock42]

My BPD ex gf did the same thing to me in the last month with at least 1 guy, possibly more. This was when she was already covertly planning her discard so this falls in line with the "fade over" terminology that Phoenix pointed out. The worst part is that I was driving her around, dropping her off/picking her up from the train station etc. believing the lies she told me about seeing her friends or doing something at school while she was actually going to see other guys. What an embarrassment it was to find out how maliciously she was using me. 

[Ulysses]

Thijman,

Could some of the 'numbness' actually be detachment?

Might very well be, but I don't want it to be. I don't know how to explain, its like I DO want to get over her, but at the same time I don't and I'm scared to admit to detachment feelings.

How are you feeling about things now?  Do you still feel numb?

[pgri8684]

Hey Thijmen156,

it happened in my r/s too, my BPDex even had a nice term for it when i confronted her, and without even the slightest amount of guilt in her body language she told me:

"I am really sorry, i guess i made a FADE-OVER".

BPD folks don't end a relationship, heal from a breakup, and then move on. They don't even really break up... .They Fade Over.

I can relate; mine spoke about "falling out of love" using the french word "désamour"
All her unconditional love for me was progressively transferred to the next caretaker.
Did we all share the same story?

[LostInMemories]

Scary how similar everybody´s storys are... .Its like its a carefully planned thing from the beginning. This really helps me alot to heal though, knowing I´m by far NOT the only one and that it is not my fault.

Thijman,

Could some of the 'numbness' actually be detachment?

Might very well be, but I don't want it to be. I don't know how to explain, its like I DO want to get over her, but at the same time I don't and I'm scared to admit to detachment feelings.

How are you feeling about things now?  Do you still feel numb?

Hard to say really. I don´t really know what I feel. Obviously I´m getting better than a year ago, but it still hurts from time to time. I think the worst part for me personally now is how my mental well-being has been crushed by her. I suffer from anxiety issues and a low self-esteem. When I was with her this just wasn't the case anymore. My anxieties were for 80% gone, I had a great self-esteem, I felt "needed" and responsible for her. Now since she left me this all collapsed. I try to cover it up with money, driving loads of cars, etc. It gives me some self-esteem, in a way, but it's obviously not the right way... .I think this is bothering me more atm than actually me missing her... .I mean, I miss the person I have been with in a relationship for over 2 years, but that person has 'died'. Since she dumped me she isn't the same person anymore. She became a monster. I just keep telling me that the girl I loved died, which gives me some kind of closure I guess. It makes it possible for me to look back on the positive things in our relationship, and then when I start craving for those feelings, I just tell myself she is dead. It hurts, but it hurts less knowing she's still out there living her life as nothing ever happened.

[Ulysses]

Hey Thijman,

I'm glad to hear you're doing better, but I'm also sorry to hear about you feeling down. 

Having a relationship with someone with these traits can definitely affect our mental well-being.  My T talked to me about the "crazy-making behavior" my exNPD/BPDh engaged in.  My daughter's therapist has mentioned it to me recently.

I'm curious about your comment regarding anxiety and low self-esteem.  It sounds like you have a lot of self-awareness and you've thought about some of your characteristics that might have fostered a relationship with your ex. 

I agree that breaking up can be like grieving.  For me, I also felt I was grieving what I thought I had with my exH.  It was like I was grieving the relationship (I thought) I had. 

[gotbushels]

Could some of the 'numbness' actually be detachment?

Might very well be, but I don't want it to be. I don't know how to explain, its like I DO want to get over her, but at the same time I don't and I'm scared to admit to detachment feelings. God why is this so complicated... .

To follow  myself's idea, maybe it might help if we look at unknotting this.

If you come across something that validates your thoughts, especially around fidelity, it's a nice "nail in the coffin". That's what it seems to be doing for you here.

Seems like my gut feeling was right all along... .

This kind of thing can help you to detach. Why be scared to accept detachment feelings? In some ways, that you don't jump to anger seems to be quite good for you.

It's okay if part of you wants what the relationship gave you. It's okay if part of you does not. In this way, it's similar to what  Ulysses mentioned that breaking up can be like grieving. When someone dies (1) we lose the "good" things; (2) we also lose the "bad" things; and (3) the past facts were mostly not up to us at that time.

If you have mixed feelings from a mixed result I think that's quite normal Thijmen156. For me, I felt that the detachment feeling felt dull in total because of such a mix. This became especially true the more comfortable I felt with both sides of the mix. 

[JerryRG]

My BPD ex cheated on her ex husband and explained to me she was molested, they forced her and tied her to a bed, I found out much later that the truth was, she stopped having relations with her husband and then cheated on him.

She just used the word "molested" to cover up her guilt so  she appears the victum. No accountability, no guilt, no conscience = repeated behaviours.

Just like magic, they are never wrong and never change.

[LostInMemories]

Thank's everybody for replying. Your reply's and look at things help me a lot to give this whole thing a place, let is rest and move on with my life. 1.5 years ago I would have never believed I would come this far as I did. I came from crying to sleep every single night to being able to live the very basics of life without feeling too depressed.

I still have a lot of thing's I'm struggling with, but at least I can live my 'basic' life. Don't really know how to explain this. Although I have a long way to go to ever be able to live 'happy' again. I doubt if I ever will love someone again, but if it doesn't happen then so be it. I'm particularly afraid that a 'normal' relationship wouldn't do it for me anymore, after having experienced this 'extreme' relationship. There is actually a thread that explains just that very well: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=289136.0 

It's like an addiction. This more so because this was my first 'real' relationship, so I do not really know what a 'normal' relationship is like.

I still have those moments when I think about what we had, not really feeling any emotion, and then suddenly out of nowhere something hits a weak spot and I feel kind of a 'shock'. It's really hard to explain, it's like you lose all sense of reality and get over flooded with 'how it was'.

I don't know, it feels like since I told myself she, as I knew her, is 'dead' I miss the feeling of 'being loved' more than I actually miss her, because deep inside I know things would never be the same again with her.

I'm curious about your comment regarding anxiety and low self-esteem.  It sounds like you have a lot of self-awareness and you've thought about some of your characteristics that might have fostered a relationship with your ex. 

When I met my ex I was at a very low point in my life with my anxieties. From day one I was honest with her about my problems. I guess her 'unconditional love' for me at the time, and her not judging me by my flaws made me blind to all the lies/manipulation.

I agree that breaking up can be like grieving.  For me, I also felt I was grieving what I thought I had with my exH.  It was like I was grieving the relationship (I thought) I had. 

Exactly, I can totally relate.

[GoingBack2OC]

Although I have a long way to go to ever be able to live 'happy' again. I doubt if I ever will love someone again, but if it doesn't happen then so be it. I'm particularly afraid that a 'normal' relationship wouldn't do it for me anymore, after having experienced this 'extreme' relationship.

  Thijmen156

If I remember correctly, you're a young guy. I fully understand how you feel. I first fell in love, and I fell HARD, in love with my first girlfriend, at 18. We dated for roughly 3 years. In the end, we both changed. It was rough at the end. Because I knew in my heart she was a person I did love very much, but did not see myself continuing to grow with.

I ended up having to in a sense "ghost" her. But this was 19 years ago. Before ghosting was even a word. I didn't do it the way it's done now. I sat down with her, in person, and I told her I needed to move on. For weeks, months after, she would try to get in touch. Sometimes she was successful. She would show up at my apartment, at 7am.

The last time I saw her, was a morning just like that. I opened the door. Had been woken up by knocking. She was crying. I felt terrible. I knew she was in pain, but I was no longer in love. I just said to her, and I think it's what finally hit her:  I'm really sorry, I just fell out of love.

She finally understood.

But I was heartbroken too. I didn't leave her for someone else. There was no one else. I never cheated. I had no one lined up. And for a long while, it haunted me. She still even after that would email me, or leave a voicemail. I ghosted her in the sense that I didn't respond, ever, again.

I knew I couldnt- for her. I knew any response on my part would only hurt her. No words I would say would make it easier on her... .because they wouldnt be words she'd want to hear. She needed to move on, as did I.

I felt for a long while, perhaps 18 months, that I'd never find love. Not like that. I dated a bit after a long while of being single. During that time I worked on me. I started a business. I got in shape. I made friends. A circle of friends. Then, one day, I met a girl named Beth.

We became good friends. And after months of being just friends, it happened. It was perfect in a sense. We had nothing romantic up until that evening. It was magic hour, twilight, we had been sitting in a park on a warm summer day, the sun was almost gone, and we had finished the 2nd bottle of white wine. We started to talk about really personal thoughts. I moved over, sat right in front of her, held her hands, for the the first time. I listened to her. She told me really personal things. Secrets. So I kissed her.

That was the start of one of the most amazing friendships and love's I've ever experienced. The best one actually.

So when you say you doubt you'll find love like that again. I understand that feeling. I felt exactly that way. But you will have so many opportunities to fall in love. You have to allow yourself the freedom to do so. My recommendation:  :)o not date. Be friends. With girls. The best girlfriends I have ever had- were friends first. The worst, were ones where we "started out dating".

I think if you go out, and make a point of simply "being friends with girls"... .you will in that process, identify girls that you like. And sooner or later, one of those girls you really like, and start to have feelings for-- if you are kind, and respectful, and do all the right things... .she will develop feelings for you too.

And you first love will take time to heal from. I think it took a good 5+ years to "fully" get my first out of my head. Even with Beth, I still thought of my first sometimes. But I loved Beth, so much more. It was, so much better.

Eventually, I didnt really think of my first at all anymore. Other than remembering. One day I heard she was married. Years later, I heard she had a little girl.

I'm happy for her. I would not in a million years, trade what I shared with Beth for being able to reclaim what I had with my first.

My point, your first is special. It always will be. But it gets better. The emotional intimacy, the friendship, the maturity, the sex... .it all gets better.

But trust me on this point: Avoid dating sites. Avoid dating period. Make friends. Be that guy, who hangs out with girls.

Dating really, it sucks. Because the point of dating- I think really to most people. Is sex. You rush into it. You really do. You rush the process. The first kiss. Dating is in a way "forced romance".

My BPDex and I had sex on the 4th date. Honestly, it felt fast. For me at least. I never was one to sleep around. I've never had a one night stand. And I'm (not to sound boastful) a good looking guy - I think). I could, if I wanted to. But I dont.  But having sex on the 4th date... .it was too fast.

Beth and I?  We made love on our first date. It wasnt rushed at all. Because I had become in a way best friends with her over months and months of time. We had literally, over that summer, just started hanging out, all the time, going to movies, to dinner, talking. But never kissed. We didnt date anyone else. We just let things be.

Then that one night in the park, perhaps a bit too much wine, but it was a perfect kiss on a perfect night. I don't think I have ever had a kiss quite like that. It's almost as though I don't remember it at all. She told me things deeply personal, as I told her things as well. She looked up-- that's all I really remember. Her eyes. And the next thing I remember was pulling back away, how long? I'm not sure. I'm not sure how long that kiss lasted. But I remember looking into her eyes, and the next thing I remember was opening my eyes, and she was smiling. And we both laughed and looked away.

We didn't have sex that night. We picked up our blanket in the park, now almost dark, we walked back to my apartment, a place she already knew so well, so many nights watching SpaceBalls and The Brave Little Toaster and all the movies we loved and quoted so much. And we made love. It didn't feel rushed at all. It didn't feel wrong. I wasnt nervous one bit. It was just so natural.

Build up that kind of friendship. And it can make the love so much more natural, and deep, and free flowing. This, is why I say- the idea of dating- sucks.

If you can do that. Have "girl" friends. I think... .

You'll find love. The best kind actually.