Bad history

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

I found an old journal, from 18 years ago. It brought me up short and I wanted to see what you other detachers think of this:

"One thing I forget, though, in these moods, is the real loneliness, the longing for  a boy, the futile sexual encounters. And I really truly am glad that I have [old boyfriend 'C' -possibly also BPD] to help put the loneliness behind me - if I can hack it, if he can hack it, etc. But at least I have a chance for all that now. And all that sadness & loneliness in my past gave me more than the usual amt of patience for the difficulties of being with him. It's not a matter of desperation coming with age [dude, I was 32 when I wrote this!] or "settling" or anything like that - it's pointless to think of finding someone "better" or "more appropriate" in some other, more perfect world, since anyone I could love would necessarily be difficult & flawed. Which is really the point I wanted to make to C. when he drunkenly taunted me about how having a girlfriend made him more attractive to women, and now maybe he could get someone better than me."

Wow. I am such a sad puppy. Always have been. I expected nothing when I met this more recent uBPDex. And nothing is what I got.

[steelwork]

I found an old journal, from 18 years ago. It brought me up short and I wanted to see what you other detachers think of this:

"One thing I forget, though, in these moods, is the real loneliness, the longing for  a boy, the futile sexual encounters. And I really truly am glad that I have [old boyfriend 'C' -possibly also BPD] to help put the loneliness behind me - if I can hack it, if he can hack it, etc. But at least I have a chance for all that now. And all that sadness & loneliness in my past gave me more than the usual amt of patience for the difficulties of being with him. It's not a matter of desperation coming with age [dude, I was 32 when I wrote this!] or "settling" or anything like that - it's pointless to think of finding someone "better" or "more appropriate" in some other, more perfect world, since anyone I could love would necessarily be difficult & flawed. Which is really the point I wanted to make to C. when he drunkenly taunted me about how having a girlfriend made him more attractive to women, and now maybe he could get someone better than me."

Wow. I am such a sad puppy. Always have been. I expected nothing when I met this more recent uBPDex. And nothing is what I got.

[Turkish]

So what do you make of this?  Is it shocking or surprising  to relate to 18 years ago steelwork?

Personally,  I've always been kind of a depressive, never diagnosed.  I know that it affected my r/s once I stepped out of the Rescuer dynamic and allowed myself to feel who I was apart from my pwBPD.

[Leonis]

I recall writing in my journal about my ex.

I remember being grateful that I've found someone (I thought) who shared similar views about things and how she was beyond my expectations.

Of course, months later, everything fell to pieces. I deleted everything because I felt betrayed, especially after her adamant claims about how I never treasured her, etc. She can't see that while I was trying to prove to her that I love her, she was busy trying to prove the opposite.

[steelwork]

Well, what he apparently said about being able to find someone better... .that should have made me angry. It's weird reading this 18 years later, knowing how it all ended up. Stayed together with him for 7 more years, basically as his custodian for much of that. In those years, I could have been meeting someone who respected me and was capable of having a mature relationship. Or not. That would have been okay, too. But I'm shocked at how little I expected for myself, and I wonder how far I've really come. There was this sense in what I wrote that it was STRUCTURAL, that I could ONLY get along with someone who was damaged in some way.

Funny thing is that me and that guy are still pretty entangled. I broke up with him over 10 years ago, but we were tied up in property investments. And then we just ended up being friends. And he's had crisis after crisis. He's a contractor and a genius design/builder, but he can't manage client relationships or make good decisions, and until a year ago, he was doing drugs and drinking too much. He's sober now and lives in a house I'm trying to sell. I talk to him maybe once a week. He's like family, I guess, and now he's 48 years old and still doesn't really have his stuff together.

I'm not sorry for our long history. Isn't that amazing? I do not regret any of the hard times, I forgive him for all his abuse, I understand how fragile his psyche is, and that he really is doing the best he can. He put me through 1000x more actual hassle than my recent ex, but I don't regret it.

My recent ex ghosted me. He disappeared and wiped it all away. That makes it all seem like a waste, something that should not have happened.

Wow. Just put that together. Huh.

[Moselle]

What do I make of it?

It makes me feel compassion for younger Steelwork. That she needs some love and compassion from Steelwork today.

"There was this sense in what I wrote that it was STRUCTURAL, that I could ONLY get along with someone who was damaged in some way."

It seems like you are a little bit disappointed in her. How can you look after her now?

[steelwork]

It seems like you are a little bit disappointed in her. How can you look after her now?

I can tell her it wasn't all her fault, and she did the best she could, too. Nothing in younger steelwork's life made her feel like she deserved to be handled kindly. Younger steelwork had to be tough to survive. She was good at it, and she thought it was what was lovable about her.

Younger steelwork thought she was over the hill at 32. Maybe older steelwork is wrong about being over the hill at 50.

[Moselle]

Sounds like Steelwork has learned a few things about self care. Keep it up