BPD ex gf attempting to yet again rip me off financially, looking for advice

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Without posting a lengthy recap of my story as I'm sure many here have already seen it, my BPD ex gf moved out of our apartment without warning about 2 months ago. I was left behind to pay the full rent for 2 months which I obviously wasn't anticipating and also had to pay the full cable/internet/power bills during this time as well.

When we first moved in and jointly signed a lease together, I paid for the first months rent that was due up front and I gave her half of the security deposit so she wrote a check to the landlord for this payment. I have been working directly with the landlord through this and have been able to maintain full NC by doing so. I asked him to please disperse 50% of the owed security deposit to each of us which I think is about as fair as it could get, right?

Well, being fair is of course not a priority to my ex. My landlord forwarded an email from her and right away she was lying to him, she said that her and I have "some unresolved debts to settle" which is untrue, unless she means paying me the thousands of dollars that I was forced to shell out as a result of her leaving and I highly doubt that is the case. She then says that because her name was on the check, she should be receiving the full security deposit back and that she would then give my portion to me. I think it's clear that she is saying this because she knows that either A. I will never contact her to get that money or B. she will be able to use that money as an excuse to contact me and hold that power over my head. My landlord responded saying that he isn't getting involved in these personal issues and that unless I agree in writing for the full amount to go to her, that he will be splitting it in half so we'll see if he sticks with that. I feel awful for him because I know she is going to give him a hard time about this. She went to law school in a foreign country for something totally unrelated yet thinks that because of this that she understands everything about US law and tries to bully people around by saying she's an "attorney" when she isn't.

As of now, my plan is to work through this with the primary goal of maintaining complete NC, even if that means never seeing this money. While I would like to have this money back and I do feel like I'm legally entitled to it, it's just money and I don't want to ruin my NC streak over this. Has anyone gone through something similar to this? I know there is the "grey rock" approach that could be used but to be honest, I really see the most value in 100% NC and my goal is for my ex to not even know whether I'm alive or not so engaging with her in any way sounds like a bad idea.

[pjstock42]

Without posting a lengthy recap of my story as I'm sure many here have already seen it, my BPD ex gf moved out of our apartment without warning about 2 months ago. I was left behind to pay the full rent for 2 months which I obviously wasn't anticipating and also had to pay the full cable/internet/power bills during this time as well.

When we first moved in and jointly signed a lease together, I paid for the first months rent that was due up front and I gave her half of the security deposit so she wrote a check to the landlord for this payment. I have been working directly with the landlord through this and have been able to maintain full NC by doing so. I asked him to please disperse 50% of the owed security deposit to each of us which I think is about as fair as it could get, right?

Well, being fair is of course not a priority to my ex. My landlord forwarded an email from her and right away she was lying to him, she said that her and I have "some unresolved debts to settle" which is untrue, unless she means paying me the thousands of dollars that I was forced to shell out as a result of her leaving and I highly doubt that is the case. She then says that because her name was on the check, she should be receiving the full security deposit back and that she would then give my portion to me. I think it's clear that she is saying this because she knows that either A. I will never contact her to get that money or B. she will be able to use that money as an excuse to contact me and hold that power over my head. My landlord responded saying that he isn't getting involved in these personal issues and that unless I agree in writing for the full amount to go to her, that he will be splitting it in half so we'll see if he sticks with that. I feel awful for him because I know she is going to give him a hard time about this. She went to law school in a foreign country for something totally unrelated yet thinks that because of this that she understands everything about US law and tries to bully people around by saying she's an "attorney" when she isn't.

As of now, my plan is to work through this with the primary goal of maintaining complete NC, even if that means never seeing this money. While I would like to have this money back and I do feel like I'm legally entitled to it, it's just money and I don't want to ruin my NC streak over this. Has anyone gone through something similar to this? I know there is the "grey rock" approach that could be used but to be honest, I really see the most value in 100% NC and my goal is for my ex to not even know whether I'm alive or not so engaging with her in any way sounds like a bad idea.

[pjstock42]

Sometimes you just have to take a step back and laugh. My landlord just sent this an email to me directly after this chain of her causing problems:

"She sounds like a real pain. I think you are going to look back and be thankful you guys broke up!" 

It's nice to know that I'm not the crazy one here, just nice to get those little tidbits of validation from others that you're dealing with a very toxic and unreasonable person.

[drained1996]

It seems your landlord has this under control... .don't think I would even worry about it at this point. 
Funny how little he knows how much truth is in his statement!   

[JQ]

Hi PJ,

It sounds as if your currently in a good place and WANTING to maintain NC. You would rather keep NC than to try and engage her for 1/2 the deposit and this speaks volumes to your stability and wanting to move forward. I REALLY commend you on your steadfast resolve to maintain your distance & your mental well being by maintaining your NC.

My 1st exBPDgf decided to keep a "engagement ring" after we split & this drove me nuts. I fought hard for her to return it day after day, week after week, month after month. Then a really good friend of mine sat me down & told me ... ."Let it go. Look at this whole experience as a expensive learning lesson."  And you know they were right and I took a deep breath and realized at that moment it wasn't worth the drama, anger, her constant flying monkey's harassing me. At that very moment I really did let it go knowing that I would be in a much better place if I did and go back to NC.

She called & left nasty VM for me. She called & harassed me around the clock how she was never going to give the ring back. She even left messages to the windshield of my car with vile thoughts. And you know all I could do is smile, I was free of her crazy making and I was really ok with it. A couple of weeks before I left the state she called me leaving a message saying she wanted to give back the ring. I met her at a neutral location where she did indeed give back the ring to my surprise. It didn't come without a cost ... .she went into the "abandonment / pull me back in mode" of her BPD. I told her what I needed to in order to get out of there in one piece. She had a tendency for violence and was known to have access to a 9mm.  I left shortly after she gave me back the ring and I said my good bye knowing that I would never reach out to her again and happy about it.

As you have read, they will eventually contact you again and she did after my recent divorce. A 16 yr absence she pops back in my life via my "family" and I'm still maintaining NC. It's a really good place to be PJ, and it sounds as if you're in the same place I was.

If you get it back, awesome take yourself out for a nice dinner with a friend. If she doesn't, well, it's a expensive learning lesson for you.

J

[pjstock42]

JQ

Thank you for sharing your story with me. That sounds like a ton of stress and mental anguish that you had to go through just in the attempts to reacquire a physical item. I'm glad that you eventually got the ring back in the end but all of those threats and terrible things that she said/did to you must make you wonder if it was really worth it.

My ex is now saying to take off $150 out of my portion because she paid for part of the television that we bought together. This makes no sense to be using the poor landlord as a mediator for these financial things that have nothing to do with him but I told him to just go ahead and do it anyway. I actually used similar language to how you said this was an expensive learning experience and told him that this was basically me paying a fee for not having to interact with her and I am more than OK to do that.

As you reinforced, the maintaining of NC is really my goal here and it seems like everyone that I talk to on here will say how important maintaining NC really is in this scenario. I don't think that I'm going to get much money back from this but the good thing is that this is the last way in which I will ever be connected/associated to this person for the rest of my life. I will pay that fee and accept this as an expensive learning experience rather than make myself miserable for weeks/month trying to interact with her for a few hundred dollars.

[JQ]

PJ,

Thank you for the kind words and your right it was a lot of stress & mental anguish that made me loose 30 lbs of weight. I did question the worth of it all, but in the end it all worked out for the best and I learned a lesson that only going through something like that could teach me. No amount of words from anyone else could have taught me that lesson and for better or worse I had to experience it. You have arrived at the same point I did all those years ago and are doing quite with all of it I might say. Well done!

You have some time here on the boards with over 200 posts and you seem to have learned some valuable lesson already. I had to relearn some of those lessons with my most recent 2nd exBPDgf but this time it cost me thousands of dollars to learn ... .a little bit older but forgot some of those lessons learned. I really didn't know about BPD until this 2nd one when she told me she was diagnosed with it. Then the more I learned the more I put 2 and 2 together and learned more about myself and my history and then I could finally move forward in MY life & MY happiness with a new found sense of self.

Once you have reached a point where you received all the money you're going too I would then block her phone number so not to receive her text or calls, social media, etc.  If you need to change your cell number. Easy enough to do via a computer through your provider and I would advise any mutual friends that the number is not to be given out to anyone ... .that's from personal experience.   

you're personal happiness is the key here PJ and I think you've learned that already.  You seem to be on a good path here on your journey 

J

[pjstock42]

I appreciate the positive thoughts, JQ.

Wow, I can't believe you've been through 2 BPD relationships, I think you deserve a medal of honor or something hah. I know you said that you didn't know what BPD was until the second person told you about it but if you don't mind me asking, did you subconsciously notice any red flags at the beginning of that r/s based on your past BPD experience despite not knowing about the specific condition yet?

The thought of getting involved with another person like this sounds like absolutely the worst thing in the world to me. I'm avoiding any and all romantic interaction with females for at least the next 6 months so that I can end up in a place where I'm happy being on my own. I can't imagine finally getting to place of contentment by myself only to then have another BPD tornado enter my life, I feel like I'm going to be sending in any prospective future partners to get full psychiatric evaluations before the 2nd date .

I'm glad that you were able to find your new sense of self and this is my primary goal coming out of this as well. In terms of the NC stuff, I was incredibly lucky to have found this community just days after the discard and did all of the blocking type stuff way back then so my almost 2 month streak of NC has included 0 texts/emails/message of any kind and 0 viewing of her on any social media. I also have no mutual friends with her (she never maintained friendships and was always jumping from one group of people to the next) so I am fortunate for that too.

[JQ]

PJ,

WOW funny you mentioned the looking back & seeing the red flags. I did see them at the time how the 2nd one reminded me of the 1st one of 16 yrs earlier but I thought like others that this will be different. I was in a really bad place in my life with a lot of transitioning & she confided in me, "trusted me", etc. I found happiness in helping others in their successes and helping them find happiness. Only when I sought out guidance, assistance, help from my own therapy, my own deep dive on myself & my history did I start to see the light so to speak of the situation. I initially chose to ignore the red flags for different reasons but I now know if it walks like a duck, quacks like a duck, smells like a duck ... .THEN IT MUST BE A FREAKIN DUCK!      LMAO

My only input into your avoiding all intentions with females for six months comments is DO NOT put a time limit on it. I understand what you're doing but we all heal, learn & grow at different levels. Even with all my experiences, therapist, counselors, etc. I'm much farther then 6 months along. I currently date, but nothing serious as I'm happy just being by myself for the time being. I believe you have to get to this point of being happy by yourself before you can move on to a worth while r/s with someone else. I will eventually "Want" to share my life with someone ... .I don't want to be in a position to, "Have" to share my life with someone if that makes sense.  Once you get to this place in your life it is amazing how many people will enter your life because they like you for you and not want anything else in return but just to be yourself. It sounds as if you're well on your way to your "Happy Place" PJ.

J