How I am overcoming my past relationship.

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

So the basics of the relationship are that we broke up at the end of the July, he started talking to another guy and now they are official on facebook.
I won't go through what the relationship was like in detail as I feel a lot of people are familiar. I just want to point out a few things that are getting me through this, perhaps contradicting people's thoughts.

Firstly, this is my understanding of my ex's issues:

I feel as a child we get forced to be apologetic. I remember being forced to apologise for breaking something as a young kid, but not really meaning it. It wasn't guilt but more an easy escape from being in trouble.

As I grew into the world and slowly got older, I grew to have more emotions (you don't believe when a child says they're in love with another child after all - they're kids who don't understand things quite yet) and those emotions included empathy. Empathy allowed me to feel guilt, sadness for others, happy for others and importantly respect.

I was fortunate enough to have a childhood that allowed me to grow into these feelings.

My ex was not. His dad (who I believe has the same issues, undiagnosed) left after having an affair when my ex was 5 years old. His mum became cut off emotionally from her children. So as a child who is brought up to apologise for other people's discomfort (toy breaking - we all have this) and not understanding empathy, to then having to deal with a mother who is always unavailable, I can see how it would emotionally stunt a child. Seeing your mum this emotional and a dad walk out the door must leave you thinking everything is your fault and when you have no where to turn to and no one to help you, then along comes empathathetic feelings, I think everyone reading this would turn off emotions that felt self destruvtive.

So now he feels all emotions in extremes because where our emotions grew as we got older (love for others but more significantly being loved back) we also grew in empathy, where he did not. So those feelings instead went into more selfish (for want of another word) emotions.

Just for moment, consider this: we suffer more than we feel happiness. There are more emotions that delve in pain than happiness and we all know that suffering lasts longer than happiness does through day to day lives. Now consider this part: if you felt extreme suffering, for example a break-up, and you couldn't feel the empathy that the other person was also hurting (not the same as not knowing i'll point out - it simply means they can't feel your pain) then you would want to find the next piece of happiness you could. Then when you met this person, who most likely is similar to your ex because you havent been able to deal with the implications of the break-up, you would go from really liking to falling in love with them pretty quick, mostly to avoid the pain and also because you have heightened self-centered emotions.

This does not mean I have been forgotten.

After 3 weeks of no contact, I found out through friends he was in a relationship. I was emotional to say the least. But I grew to understand that although he thought this was real love, it is simply a way for his brain to latch onto a sense of happiness he can't find in himself.

After a few days I messaged him to say I wish he had told me but what's done is done. If he's happy then I'm bittersweetly happy for him. He thanked me for it and told me he didn't go looking for this, it just happened (lying to himself more than he's lying to me I'm afraid).

I followed that message up with a goodbye and told him I'm going to move on and so should he.

He was polite and agreed.

He then the next day unblocked me on facebook.

This sent my mind reeling (I didn't know enough about his disorder at this particular point) and hopeful of reconcilliation.

I genuinely believe that he has been manipulative on social media to get at me - people are not actually important to him anymore and it is only what they can feed his ego that matters. Example: he downloaded snapchat SINCE we broke up, added one of my best friends and then has been using it to show his new boyfriend off. I think this is because he deleted and blocked me from his facebook and needed to use another app to get at me (snapchat tells the sender if the receivers are screenshotting - thankfully my friend found a workaround this so he never knew). He was also told to tell me if something is happening and instead let everybody know (including my friends and family) on facebook.

I am no saint and regretfully uploaded something a big harsh on facebook in retaliation, which I have since taken down.

I also made the mistake of trying to show how happy I was by posting on facebook. This is playing into his hands as everything is still about him.

So I blocked him on everything.

Best decision I made.

I can see him still (there are work arounds, such as not being signed into accounts will let you see small details on them) but he can't see me. This has given me insight.

I've been getting myself use to seeing photos of him and his new boyfriend together (who I feel nothing for sorry for now) to condition myself into having no more surprises. It's getting easier to look at as I see him making the same mistakes he had before and I'm growing as a person.

He's not a monster of evil incarnate. Lots of people on here don't like to take the blame but until you broke up, how many of you really tried to understand your partner and how to communicate with them? I didn't.

I took responsibility for my actions and lack of understanding for the times he may have tried (although don't believe they are always trying to get better just because they say so).

He is just a person who has uncontrollable emotional turmoil because he can't see anything outside of himself. This was something that was done to him. It is something that can be undone with help - but why would you go through months of painful help when you can find release elsewhere so easily?

We know it's better to work through and become a stronger person because of it, but people with BPD don't.

ATM I'm working on what I would say if he ever tried to find a way to contact me so I am in control of myself. Any thoughts?

[Cleanglass]

So the basics of the relationship are that we broke up at the end of the July, he started talking to another guy and now they are official on facebook.
I won't go through what the relationship was like in detail as I feel a lot of people are familiar. I just want to point out a few things that are getting me through this, perhaps contradicting people's thoughts.

Firstly, this is my understanding of my ex's issues:

I feel as a child we get forced to be apologetic. I remember being forced to apologise for breaking something as a young kid, but not really meaning it. It wasn't guilt but more an easy escape from being in trouble.

As I grew into the world and slowly got older, I grew to have more emotions (you don't believe when a child says they're in love with another child after all - they're kids who don't understand things quite yet) and those emotions included empathy. Empathy allowed me to feel guilt, sadness for others, happy for others and importantly respect.

I was fortunate enough to have a childhood that allowed me to grow into these feelings.

My ex was not. His dad (who I believe has the same issues, undiagnosed) left after having an affair when my ex was 5 years old. His mum became cut off emotionally from her children. So as a child who is brought up to apologise for other people's discomfort (toy breaking - we all have this) and not understanding empathy, to then having to deal with a mother who is always unavailable, I can see how it would emotionally stunt a child. Seeing your mum this emotional and a dad walk out the door must leave you thinking everything is your fault and when you have no where to turn to and no one to help you, then along comes empathathetic feelings, I think everyone reading this would turn off emotions that felt self destruvtive.

So now he feels all emotions in extremes because where our emotions grew as we got older (love for others but more significantly being loved back) we also grew in empathy, where he did not. So those feelings instead went into more selfish (for want of another word) emotions.

Just for moment, consider this: we suffer more than we feel happiness. There are more emotions that delve in pain than happiness and we all know that suffering lasts longer than happiness does through day to day lives. Now consider this part: if you felt extreme suffering, for example a break-up, and you couldn't feel the empathy that the other person was also hurting (not the same as not knowing i'll point out - it simply means they can't feel your pain) then you would want to find the next piece of happiness you could. Then when you met this person, who most likely is similar to your ex because you havent been able to deal with the implications of the break-up, you would go from really liking to falling in love with them pretty quick, mostly to avoid the pain and also because you have heightened self-centered emotions.

This does not mean I have been forgotten.

After 3 weeks of no contact, I found out through friends he was in a relationship. I was emotional to say the least. But I grew to understand that although he thought this was real love, it is simply a way for his brain to latch onto a sense of happiness he can't find in himself.

After a few days I messaged him to say I wish he had told me but what's done is done. If he's happy then I'm bittersweetly happy for him. He thanked me for it and told me he didn't go looking for this, it just happened (lying to himself more than he's lying to me I'm afraid).

I followed that message up with a goodbye and told him I'm going to move on and so should he.

He was polite and agreed.

He then the next day unblocked me on facebook.

This sent my mind reeling (I didn't know enough about his disorder at this particular point) and hopeful of reconcilliation.

I genuinely believe that he has been manipulative on social media to get at me - people are not actually important to him anymore and it is only what they can feed his ego that matters. Example: he downloaded snapchat SINCE we broke up, added one of my best friends and then has been using it to show his new boyfriend off. I think this is because he deleted and blocked me from his facebook and needed to use another app to get at me (snapchat tells the sender if the receivers are screenshotting - thankfully my friend found a workaround this so he never knew). He was also told to tell me if something is happening and instead let everybody know (including my friends and family) on facebook.

I am no saint and regretfully uploaded something a big harsh on facebook in retaliation, which I have since taken down.

I also made the mistake of trying to show how happy I was by posting on facebook. This is playing into his hands as everything is still about him.

So I blocked him on everything.

Best decision I made.

I can see him still (there are work arounds, such as not being signed into accounts will let you see small details on them) but he can't see me. This has given me insight.

I've been getting myself use to seeing photos of him and his new boyfriend together (who I feel nothing for sorry for now) to condition myself into having no more surprises. It's getting easier to look at as I see him making the same mistakes he had before and I'm growing as a person.

He's not a monster of evil incarnate. Lots of people on here don't like to take the blame but until you broke up, how many of you really tried to understand your partner and how to communicate with them? I didn't.

I took responsibility for my actions and lack of understanding for the times he may have tried (although don't believe they are always trying to get better just because they say so).

He is just a person who has uncontrollable emotional turmoil because he can't see anything outside of himself. This was something that was done to him. It is something that can be undone with help - but why would you go through months of painful help when you can find release elsewhere so easily?

We know it's better to work through and become a stronger person because of it, but people with BPD don't.

ATM I'm working on what I would say if he ever tried to find a way to contact me so I am in control of myself. Any thoughts?

[Nyla]

I don't really have a lot of advise. But everything you wrote hit a chord with me! I'm recently out of a relationship that was mirror image to yours.(Also went back once!) Just trying to make it another day without her. And hoping I say no if she brings up getting back together. She also is with someone else! So stay strong and thank you for your story!