BPD Husband Blaming Daughter

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I have been with my husband for 22 years. I have recently left him this past month.  I really don't know where to begin with this - there are so many unhealthy factors.

During the time it was just him and I we were ok, still fought, but ok. 

Once we had our son, he felt jealous of him and didn't really want to be there with us all that much - went out with friends drinking and really didn't include us.  When I got pregnant with our daughter I found out he was cheating, but we worked things out and stayed as a family, although the fighting and him being home was still an issue, I was left to do everything pretty much on my own.  But I tried to keep everyone happy and focused on my job and the kids.  At the age of 4 my son was diagnosed with ADHD, OCD, ODD and had alot of explosive and violent rages where he would black out.  We got him help and medicine but as he got older and then he started to self medicate, do bad in school and was disrespectful at home.  He would verbally and sometimes physically attack us and all the time I tried desperately to get him the help he needed but the police were at the house almost daily or weekly and he would be EPS':) then sent to a short term facility and then sent home with us with different medicine and a new therapist.  Through the court system, 12 EPS', Short term health behavior placements... .it was only after he assaulted both my husband and myself and my daughter that the court finally gave us some help, he was 18 then and we had been struggling and asking for help for the longest time... .I didn't sleep for days trying to find him help and our family, but working full time and a 4 hour commute everyday and coming home to no help and us not being on Medicaid was a problem... .private insurance was not taken. 

Through the years our family became and was very very very unhealthy and things we thought were normal, really weren't.  Now that I have left I am noticing my husband has the same problem as my son - BPD (which my son was diagnosed with in the Residential Treatment Center at the age of 18).  Before I left, in anticipation - the I HATE YOU - DON'T LEAVE ME was horrible.  My husband would be crying one second and screaming and swearing and being mean the next second.  Now that I have left, he is blaming my 17 year old daughter for everything.  She is a senior this year and I moved out of the county - 1 hour away - and she had to stay with her friend's family because he didn't want her in the house with him because he was a MESS.  Even now, that it's only been a month, he tries to talk to her and then ends up blaming her for my leaving him when I have made it perfectly clear that I left because I needed to take care of myself and he was being verbally abusive and didn't respect or appreciate anything I have done for him.  I am happy that I am away from him now, because I feel that I can breathe... .but trying to stay away from him is very hard as he is very manipulative and I do still love him, but know NOTHING will EVER Change... .trying to stay away when he keeps calling and texting is hard.

PLEASE HELP!

[FEBURE]

I have been with my husband for 22 years. I have recently left him this past month.  I really don't know where to begin with this - there are so many unhealthy factors.

During the time it was just him and I we were ok, still fought, but ok. 

Once we had our son, he felt jealous of him and didn't really want to be there with us all that much - went out with friends drinking and really didn't include us.  When I got pregnant with our daughter I found out he was cheating, but we worked things out and stayed as a family, although the fighting and him being home was still an issue, I was left to do everything pretty much on my own.  But I tried to keep everyone happy and focused on my job and the kids.  At the age of 4 my son was diagnosed with ADHD, OCD, ODD and had alot of explosive and violent rages where he would black out.  We got him help and medicine but as he got older and then he started to self medicate, do bad in school and was disrespectful at home.  He would verbally and sometimes physically attack us and all the time I tried desperately to get him the help he needed but the police were at the house almost daily or weekly and he would be EPS':) then sent to a short term facility and then sent home with us with different medicine and a new therapist.  Through the court system, 12 EPS', Short term health behavior placements... .it was only after he assaulted both my husband and myself and my daughter that the court finally gave us some help, he was 18 then and we had been struggling and asking for help for the longest time... .I didn't sleep for days trying to find him help and our family, but working full time and a 4 hour commute everyday and coming home to no help and us not being on Medicaid was a problem... .private insurance was not taken. 

Through the years our family became and was very very very unhealthy and things we thought were normal, really weren't.  Now that I have left I am noticing my husband has the same problem as my son - BPD (which my son was diagnosed with in the Residential Treatment Center at the age of 18).  Before I left, in anticipation - the I HATE YOU - DON'T LEAVE ME was horrible.  My husband would be crying one second and screaming and swearing and being mean the next second.  Now that I have left, he is blaming my 17 year old daughter for everything.  She is a senior this year and I moved out of the county - 1 hour away - and she had to stay with her friend's family because he didn't want her in the house with him because he was a MESS.  Even now, that it's only been a month, he tries to talk to her and then ends up blaming her for my leaving him when I have made it perfectly clear that I left because I needed to take care of myself and he was being verbally abusive and didn't respect or appreciate anything I have done for him.  I am happy that I am away from him now, because I feel that I can breathe... .but trying to stay away from him is very hard as he is very manipulative and I do still love him, but know NOTHING will EVER Change... .trying to stay away when he keeps calling and texting is hard.

PLEASE HELP!

[once removed]

hi FEBURE and

gosh, it sounds like youve been through a lot. im very glad you found us. mental illness in the family effects everyone, and it sounds like so much has fallen on you. you are in the right place.

do you get time for yourself, FEBURE?

[GoingBack2OC]

Wow I'm so sorry to hear your story. I too am grieving from the loss of a 5 year relationship, but no marriage, no children... .I cannot imagine.

Your situation sounds really difficult. Incredibly complex. With lots of angles to consider.

I would suggest first, make sure your children are your top priority, their well being, mental health. I would do as much as you can to boost their mood, compliments, encouragement, avoid criticism, accept them, and so on.

I can't speak from experience as I have never had children; but I would think from my experience from my exGFuBPD, that I would tread lightly on any actions you take with the kids, that could be viewed in the eyes of your husband as threatening.

BPDs, they meddle. They triangulate. They wedge. So I would personally keep communication open. For instance, I would consider how you will moving forward, communicate with your your children. If you have discussions with them about important matters, or make decisions, will your Husband be included, and how so?

The stress of a situation like this can make people do things, say things, they would not normally say. So anything you say to your kids, even in confidence, could accidentally, or through anger, frustration, or just being a kid and not having a fully developed mind yet, get out to Dad.

For that reason alone I would avoid secrets.

All I can say is, you found the right place here, at least for one avenue and outlet to talk about what is going on and ask for advice.

Every day, when we make up, we make decisions on what we will do. Remember that, and remember the drip effect. You want of course things to change and get better as fast as possible. But it will take time. Slowly, make these deposits, these drips, every day, into the right direction. They will add up. Eventually you will have a cup, then a gallon, and one day, all your good choices will leave you with a nice sized pool; and you'll have arrived.

You can do it. Hang in there.

[FEBURE]

I am heartbroken that my husband, who has BPD and is a narcissist, is blaming our daughter (who loves and adores him) for me leaving him.  Not Me.  When I had made my mind up about leaving after 23 years of dealing with a husband and son with BPD, etc., I was DONE.  What I had dealt with in those 23 years was just horrible, but I was married and always tried to make it work and would "think" things would get better.  Through the years my daughter had been pushed to the side, even though I did my very best with her growing up - band, dance class, girl scouts, etc... ., these fun times in her life were always always interrupted by something either my husband had done or my son had done.  Arguments, fights between myself, my husband and son, escalating to police being called, physical/verbal abuse, house being destroyed and then short term hospital stays, drug treatment, therapy, etc... .it was exhausting. 
My husband and I  held a full time jobs, but my commute was 4 hours a day and I worked 9 hours - he was the one that was always more tired and even though he could have come home and cooked dinner (he was usually there 2 hours before me) or helped me out, he was always in bed when I got home, in his eyes I was never tired and would take care of it.  My daughter learned to cook a few meals so that she could help me on the night she didn't work... .
When I decided to leave my husband he was obviously upset with me, his "I hate you, don't leave me" was very apparent during this time and did not make me or my daughter feel safe at all. When we finally left, I moved closer to my job.  My daughter had sat me down and told me she wanted to stay with her Dad to finish school and to take care of him, because she knew it was going to be very difficult for him when I left for my husband to deal with.   He then threw her out along with me because SHE was the reason I was leaving him.  He felt that everything I was doing for our kids was taking the time away from us having time to ourselves and started to resent them.  He wasn't getting all the attention anymore... .ridiculous, that's what Mom's do, hello.
After being separated he gave me problems, but I set boundaries and stuck to them.  After a few months, he would call his daughter and want to do things with her, but always included me.  I went because it made my daughter feel more comfortable.  However, during this time he was still blaming my daughter for me leaving and was only seeing her so he could possibly get back together with me.  After my daughter had forgiven him the first time - throwing her out and making me figure how/who she was going to live with to finish shcool, which wasn't easy - he did it to her again.  After he came over one night and brought us dinner - to mostly spend time with his daughter, so we assumed and put her desk I had bought her for her birthday - he decided he wanted to stay on the couch, because it was getting late, he was tired and had had a few beers, he asked my daughter how she felt about him staying and she said it made her uncomfortable as her me and her dad were separated and it just wasn't ok, instead of him talking to her - he got mad/hurt and just left.
After he had left, my daughter was hurt.  She felt that he should have talked to her about how she felt and would STOP thinking all the time about HIMSELF and how he feels.  It's not all about him, she is the kid and he should be worrying about her, asking her about her new job, when she is planning to go to college and what she is interested in and how she feels during this separation, which I do all the time. 
In the morning her Dad called her to see why she felt that way last evening, she tried talking to him and tried to explain how she felt about him not thinking of her at all only about himself and how he feels, he let her know that he was only talking to her, taking us out to dinner so that him and I could get back together - not really to spend time with her (he thought she would be happy about this as her Mom and Dad were "Working" on things in HIS MIND - I had made my point very clear).  Again, she was DEVASTATED.  She is really not sure if she ever wants to talk or see him again. We are filing for divorce and am not seeing/talking to him again.  But it breaks my heart to see how very sad she is - that's her Dad.  He should not treat her like this.  I have a step daughter who also treats her father like crap a my son with BPD, etc and her Dad treats them better than her.
She is in therapy and was thinking about including her Dad, but after this happened she isn't sure she wants a relationship with him at all. I want to give her the best advice possible but also want them to work this out on their own, if that can ever happen.  My husband said he would go to therapy with her to work this out - but when someone doesn't agree with what he says/feels it's a nightmare and my daughter is afraid he will turn against her and the therapist for not agreeing with the way he feels.  Which is how my daughter and I had to spend most of our life in that house - agree so there wouldn't be any fights or get things thrown at us for not having his opinion.  I need advice as to how to help my daughter and give her the best advice possible for this situation.  I am happy just to be free of all the stress I used to have, but this is her Dad and a girl should always have a Dad to talk to and spend time with and to love her - and not think about himself all the time and how he feels... .I adore and love my Daddy and I am 46 - he's my best friend and has always given me advice and never judged me in any of my decisions, always tried to support me - even with this 23 year marriage he hated because of the way I was treated.  Is there really anything I can do other than have them try and work it out... .

[uniquename]

There is nothing you can do to fix this. You can be there for your daughter. Validate to her that Dad's actions are not ok. That Dads should be supporting. That Dad has a mental disorder that causes his behavior. That it doesn't matter how many times he says it, it's not her fault.

We are going through the same. I've been separated now 2 months after 24 years of marriage with 16D. I got us both into therapy after the separation (he threatened suicide too). I go in to the therapist at the beginning or end often to let her know what's going on. if she's still under 18, I believe you can ask questions too. Either way, you can provide input.

With my 16D, she doesn't want me to bring it up, but there are times she does and that's when I try to check in and validate.

In "Stop Caretaking the Borderline... ." it says long term relationships often end due to the caretaker seeing the effect on their kid. We are brave and our kids will be better for this.

Sending love.