My BPD ex boyfriend

[laoishe31]

Hi there.
I have been reading these posts and website resources for the past few months while i was still with my BPD ex. We broke up for the 100th time almost 4 weeks ago. It ended when I hung up the phone after he tried to start the exhausting mind games.  Long story short he picked me up and put me down whenever he felt like it. He could be so cold, mallicious and verbally aggressive one minute asking me if I was cheating with no clear reason why ( it was impossible as he insisted taking up most if not all my time). On the other hand he could be charming, wanted us to plan for the future save firs house and wanted to meet my entire family. He would often spoil me but instead of feeling special  i felt je was paying for his bad behaviour. He had a turbulent childhood and never experienced love and he finds it hard to experience it. I was "different" from all the others and the best thing that ever happened to him apparently. 

He would flip if i said something he didnt like and called me a 'victim' and he would often purposely cause arguments or call me other girls names so he would get his preferred reaction being that i left the house so he could have "space" instead of just asking for space.  I lost nearly 2 stone in the 10 month relationship from the stress of wondering when the next fight which always lead to a breakup would be. I have been the one to call it off the past few times due to exhaustion of arguments and trying to get him to seek medical help which he refused. My own therapist has stated she believes he has BPD but he disagrees but he knows something is wrong.

My reason for this post is with every break up i usually get dozens of calls, texts, fb messages and he even just turns up to my house.  He did 4 weeks ago... .turned up begged for another chance saying hes getting help and he'll prove how much i mean to him how much he loves me... .i believed him yet again.  A dsy later i called to his house for a couple of hours just to chat and see him.  I get a phonecall 2 hours after i leave with him saying it felt different.  I knew he was trying to start his crap agsin now that he had me where he wanted there was no more thril... .a few selected words from me i hung up and haven't heard a thing since. What i am struggling with is the hurt and confusion I am left feeling. How can someone desperately chase u and once gets you adter a few hours finds it so easy to say it felt different... .ive been through hell and back this past year with him but its almost like he put a spell on me that can't be broken.  I feel like a shadow of my old happy go lucky self that i was a year ago i have lost all motivatiom to do things i loved to do and find myself doubting every thing i did said or have done. If anyone could advise me or if anyone has felt a similar way and got through it i would appreciate it as atm i feel true stuck. Thank you in advance.  

[Stripey77]

Hi there and welcome

 

So many of us are in the same boat as you, and pretty much ALL of us on here will resonate with a lot of what you've just written. You're in the right place.

Your story could pretty much be mine in many ways, obviously not all of the details, but much of it has similarities, and I like you, am very much still suffering from the fall out of it. It is coming up to the 1 year anniversary of when my ex suddenly and catastrophically dumped me via text, just days after telling me how much he adored me and talking about me having his baby. But it is only 2 months or so since he was last 'in my life'... .I am sure you know what  I mean.

I wish I had the answers for you, and will post a more full reply to you in due course, but I can only repeat that you're in the right place, you're not barking mad, these things did happen and the feelings you have are real.

Btw what really struck me above all in your post was the line about going to hell and back in the last year... .but being under a spell. This could pretty much, in one sentence, sum up the last year of my life as well. Amazing. And well articulated.

Hang in there, we will get through this.  

[fromheeltoheal]

Hi laoishe-

And welcome!

Unfortunately your story is not unique, and most of us could have written your post, the stories are that similar, but the good news is you're in the right place, we understand.

What i am struggling with is the hurt and confusion I am left feeling... .
... .its almost like he put a spell on me that can't be broken.  I feel like a shadow of my old happy go lucky self that i was a year ago i have lost all motivatiom to do things i loved to do and find myself doubting every thing i did said or have done.

And more good news is all of the above is fixable, as you grieve the relationship, process your emotions and detach.  There's a lot of information on this site that will help, and of course you can talk to us, so keep reading and posting, it gets better, one day at a time.

Here's something good to read to start: Surviving a breakup

[heartandwhole]

Hi laoishe31,

I'm really sorry to hear about your breakup. It hurts so much. I remember how shattered I felt during and after the breakup with pwBPD. I lost so much weight, had physical problems to top off the reeling emotions and mental confusion. I even lost interest in life in general. You are definitely not alone. 

The good news is that things really do get better. I know it doesn't feel like that now, but they really do. You have friends on this journey, laioshe, we'll walk with you as you recover and thrive again.

I think many of us in these relationships somehow get accustomed to the cycles, so that if/when they break (e.g., he's not pursuing you anymore), it is an even bigger shock to the system. There is no doubt about it—this is stress of the highest order and the response has to be decisive and firm if we are to recover. At least that is how I feel, and how I got through.

Do you have supportive friends and family you can lean on right now? What about a therapist? It helped me a lot to work through my own dysfunctional patterns.

Keep writing and let us know how we can support you.

heartandwhole

[laoishe31]

Thank you all for replying means a lot that i know im not going barking mad . I have been seeing a therapist and she has been fantastic in helping me see things for what they are in the relationship . Its just coming to terms with the fact he won't be hurting like i am or even going to lengths to try and get over me as in his own wirds " he only thinks of himself when we break up". So time to think about me for a change.  Feels great to know  so many of you have got through it and it will just take time. I have friends who have been great but i feel i am exhausting them and they are probably thinking get over it.  But its different from a normal break up when nothing is normal about the relationship in the first place.  I just clung on for the "good days" like it was a drug. I can see how toxic that cycle was though. Thanks again. 

[heartandwhole]

Hi laoishe,

You're right, this isn't like a normal breakup. That's why it's hard for our friends and family to understand sometimes. They expect (and hope) we'll be able to move on as we have done in the past, or like most people do after breakups. But, in my experience, these breakups evoke lots of issues and hurts from our past, so that we end up grieving not only the loss of someone we love, but many other losses that we experienced in childhood, but couldn't deal with then.

This breakup was like nothing I had experienced before. It hurt like he!, but also taught me so much about myself and how I learned to relate to others.

heartandwhole