Recent Ex gf Did she really have BPD?

[Blastblood]

We had been dating for 2 years and we are apart for 3 months now. She was very loving at the beginning. I thought I never find any better girl beside her she was beyond perfect. I was madly in love with a woman for the first time in my life (I am M24 she is F19 now). But she was too fast. She introduced me with her parents like 2-3 weeks later, she even told me that i would make a great father and  said wanted to marry me in first month. She came to my house after 1 week and started to undress there. I didn't want to because I wanted everything to be in order. But she hushed me and started to undress me. You see, I couldn't resist to her. Anyway she started to come every other day. One day she said I am moving in. I didn't say ok or no. While I was thinking that if it was a bad idea or not, she had already been moved in. Everything changed when (the fire nation attacked) she moved in. She started to scold me over tiny things like when I forgot to wash one spoon or move the ashtray while she was still smoking she would say (actually shout) "I am living here too  you are not living alone anymore put this into your head". This was the first red flag I noticed. I think she had done before too but I was blind back then. She cut all my communication with my friends. Not completely but I used to spend 3 or 4 days with my best friend (we would go to bar) now I can't see him more than 4 hours a week. Even that's too much for her because she would scold me if i came a little late.
She was very negative. She would always talk behind everyone, complain about everything, put a sour face when we are with friends with no reason, humiliate me especially when i tell a joke or something, manupulate others to help her to humiliate me... .

I couldn't even eat at school (we were at the same college but different departments) because she wouldn't eat without me. One day I ate at school and she didn't talk to me for doing it, the other day when she came school she said did you eat anything and i said 'proudly' (why proudly I dont know I hate my old self) I didn't eat anything. She said why is that and i told her surprized, 'You had gotten mad at me the other day". And she said in a very loving voice why did i said that i am a very bad girlfriend i am sorry lets feed you. After a week she got mad again for the same reason.

When I come home I can't predict what face she will put on. One time she would jump out and hug me but other time she would say welcome with a sour face without even looking to my face.

One time when she went to her home town (her own decision btw) my friends invited me to some friends birthday. When she saw our picture on facebook (which is nothing special, just sitting with friends) she texted me "Are you having fun?" and I texted back as "Yes thank you, I wish you were here <3" She said "But i am not, how can you have fun without me you piece of ___" and a huge fight.

My relationship consisted of these kind of things mixed with very loving good moments. I even thought she was possesed by a demon. Or she is a succubus or something.

Later on 3 months ago she had gone to drink with a friend of mine without my knowledge. That night she came and accused me of being a cheater (which i wasn't) and left. She even had rent a flat beforehand. First i didn't do anything i thought I am free now yay. But 3 days later I started to beg and plead but she treated me like i am trash. Then when i checked her mails (I had the pass) I saw this mutual friend sent her a steam gift saying "for my love of my life".

We have been in NC for one and a half month. I think she suffers BPD. Now I have some questions. Will she ever come and apology to me? Or will this other guy will suffer the same as me? If not am i the faulty one? I don't want to have a relationship with her ever again even if she begs me but I want her to come back to me even if her intention is to suck my soul even more like a dementor. Then I can find peace by saying "___ off" to her.

[heartandwhole]

Hi Blastblood,

Welcome to the website.    I am sorry to hear that your relationship has disintegrated. That is always painful. I remember how terrible I felt when I broke up with the pwBPD (person with BPD) I fell in love with. It was much more painful than any other breakup I had experienced.

You've come to the right place for support and guidance. This site is a gold mine of information to help make things better. Most importantly, our members have been where you are, and understand what you are going through.

Three months is not so long. How have your friends and family reacted to the news of the breakup? Are you taking good care of yourself?

As for your questions:

Since only a professional can diagnose someone with BPD, there is no way to know if she has it. The most important point is that her behavior felt destructive and hurtful to you. That fact is something we can work with; then a diagnosis might not feel as important. That said, her behavior sounds like what many members have described here.

1) No way to know if she will apologize to you. Many of us really needed some closure after the breakup, but didn't get it. Sometimes we have to accept that pwBPD will never see their part in the dysfunctional relationship.

2) Her new partner may suffer the same fate as you, especially if your ex has BPD. There is a pattern to interpersonal relationships that usually repeats itself, especially if pwBPD doesn't think there is anything wrong and doesn't get help (therapy).

3) You are the faulty one only in that you participated in the relationship dynamic. The breakdown is no one's "fault," it's the combination of pwBPD's emotional issues and ours—put them together and the result can be dysfunctional and painful, but also a huge learning experience.

I totally understand your feelings of anger about this. That is a healthy response to such a loss. What other feelings have been coming up for you, Blastblood? Feeling them is a very important step in recovery.

Keep writing and let us know how we can support you. Things really do get better. 

heartandwhole

 

[Blastblood]

Thank you for your response heartandwhole, ı had never talked bad behind her back to my family nor friends because i would forgive her for what she does but my family wouldn't so my family would love her until i had to tell them what happened (her leaving me for a drug dealer). They tried to cheer me up, my aunt even took me to a Holliday in a 5 star hotel. But my wound was fresh back then i didn't enjoy it but i appreciated their effort. Same thing goes with my friends. They know both the girl and the guy. They cheer me up by calling stupid nicknames to the other guy (like cockroach). But time did the most of the healing precess. I am feeling much better now compared to 2 months earlier when i can't sleep without nightmares. I still think of it occasionally. Ok not gonna lie i think of it all the time when i am not occupied. So i started to swim in order to shake those twisted thoughts away and to shape my body (she always complained about my body i was a bit thin) but i gained weight now and when i see my self in mirror my confidence boosts cuz I look good compared to a few months earlier. Most scary part is we are at the same college and we will have to see each other there. I don't have any feeling for the girl but then again i don't want to see them together. Yet i am not sure if they will be seen as together in school for they were hiding it because everyone knew our relationship. I think they afraid of the gossips.
As for the BPD, she had told me she had diagnosed with a personality disorder but never told the details and i didn't took it seriously. She had told me that her mother tried to chock her to death with a pillow when she was a child. Perhaps that's why she is like this.
Although i don't want to be with her again (my family and friends wouldn't forgive me I would lose my dignity for accepting her back and they would be right) i still care for her. I still don't talk dirty behind her like saying she was a whore anyways. She was worse than that actually: a dementor, a succubus, a black widow... .

To sum up with,  i am feeling fine mostly. But I think I would feel more relieved when she talk to me again and if she says that  maybe we can try it again i say f off.  Then i would rest in peace . Thank you again. (sorry for my bad English)