NPD/ BPD make bad parents?

[bus boy]

I often read how NPD/ BPD make bad parents. I'm not thrilled with what my ex wife did or does to s9, it's emotional and mental abuse, I can't say anything good about that kind of abuse but on the other hand, from what I can see, she is a caring mother on many ways. I'm not defending her, she was a street angel kitchen devil to me but s9 is well fed, well looked after, polite, good in school, his mom isn't running the roads, she is very dedicated to him. In the other side of the coin she wishes I was a ghost in s9 life, she wants the world to see she is a struggling single mother who now has a wonder man in her life willing to step up to the plate and fill the vacancy of father. I guess that in its self is cruel to s9. I have never been validated by her in s9's life but she always praising her BF to s9. My sister says anyone can feed and clothe a child, a good mother doesn't alianated a child from the father. They are so deep into deception, the out side world sees super mom and waste of good air dad. She keeps s9 marching to her tune through emotional deception. Maybe it doesn't make such a good mother.

[catclaw]

Hey bus boy!

I think they do what they can in order to get a certain stability in their sense of self. Ss9's BPDm identifies as a mother and bothing esle. It's her only identity. Having given him into foster care, alienating him from every family member she got in trouble with and all this kind of stuff, to her, is justified because she sees all of this as necessary measures to be a good mother who sets boundaries and asks for help if necessary. So, even the "bad" things pwBPD do, somehow find their justification in their own reality.

[Thunderstruck]

I don't across the board think that uBPDbm is a bad mother. I think uBPDbm could be an excellent mother to SD11 at times. But she struggles with consistency, putting SD11's needs over her own wants, and yeah, the emotional abuse from the perpetual parental conflict (alienating behaviors, badmouthing, etc) is certainly not ok.

But when it's just SD11 and uBPDbm and uBPDbm is in the right mood, the two of them are very close and have a good time together.

[uniquename]

It's fascinating that one of the clear signs that your kid is being raised by BPD/NPD is they are more mature, good in school, basically model children. Mine's 16 and as I have read more on the effect on kids and she has expressed herself, I can see the drawbacks of the parenting in perfectionism, stress, lack of sense of self, lack of intimate friends to lean on. So sure, S9 may seem fine. He may be fine (let's hope!). But no it's doubtful it's a healthy parenting relationship.

[bus boy]

Thank you, it always helps to hear feed back from other parents. S9 always had to get our story straight for his mom before our access weekends are over, he's constantly chewing the inside of his mouth, he also gets very stressed out if he forgets to call his mother, she got s9 a phone and it's glued to his hand. I am putting boundaries in place for his phone. The court order says a phone call to his mother before bed time not a steady texting conversation with his mom and her BF. it never stops, as fast as I place a boundary she has something else. S9 told me his mother tells him all the time that she has to protect him from my family. She has instilled emotional fear in him against my family and I. Her claim is he has to option to come with me but refuses but she has created the fear so s9 takes the path of least resistance.

[Panda39]

I see my SO's uBPDxw as both neglectful and over indulgent... .both ends of the spectrum.  What she has trouble with like Thunderstruck mentioned is consistency.  She is unable to do normal day to day parenting.  She can't get her daughter to the dentist for a toothache, or it's okay to stay home from school for a whole week because you had a stomach ache on Monday and she can send one daughter to Europe and the other to camp for a month... .until she can't... .then it becomes unfulfilled promises and broken promises.

Can she buy them clothes or shoes when they need it? No, but she'll buy you that cute necklace and earrings, can she keep a roof over their heads no (evicted 3 times, lived in hotels and couch surfed) but she's looking at house's to buy!

She wants to be superfantastic mom and fails 97% of the time.  She comes through just enough to keep the kids believing and never tries just being mom.  It's as if she thinks they won't love just mom they will only love superfantastic mom because of all the superfantastic things she'll do.  The sad thing is her daughters want just plain mom that takes care of their needs not superfantastic mom with her grandiose and unattainable plans.

Superfantastic mom is really about making uBPDmom feel good about herself it has nothing to do with being a real parent.

Panda39