Broke up with him... Things are going terribly.

[myselfandi]

Quick history - My ex bf got diagnosed with BPD, post traumatic stress and depression this year. He was having crazy outbursts and doing awful things and finally saw a doctor to get diagnosed. Once diagnosed things got better for a little while but then got much worse. He ended up leaving me and being very cruel during our breakup. After two months of me trying to get him back I finally stopped as he told me it is over for real this time. A week and a half later he is right back at my doorstep trying to get me back. For two months I told him I was unsure of what I wanted as I knew this relationship was toxic for me. He was on his A game treating me very good and being on the best behavior possible. He said he would do anything and that he wanted to go to therapy and finally get better for himself and our relationship.

Currently - Last week I finally decided I couldn't do this anymore. I wanted to believe he could change for the better but I knew deep down he has to do a lot of work on himself and without me by his side. I just knew it would not work at this time as bad as I wanted it to. He has handled the breakup terribly. Completely devastated and calling me/texting all the time. On Sunday when I got home he was sitting inside my house. He let himself in earlier in the day and waited for me to get home. He bawled and begged for me back and would switch between very sad to very angry. He forced me to drive him to the hospital because he was suicidal. Once we got there and checked in he calmed down and then got instantly angrier and angrier with me. He then got me to drive him back to my house to get his stuff so he could just leave. When we got there he got very angry with me to the point of scaring me badly and wouldn't let me leave (Slammed the door shut and said he would drag me downstairs if I tried to leave). He eventually calmed down and starting crying again and apologizing for doing this and didn't know why he was like this. He finally ended up leaving and then his mom took him to the hospital. He has been there since and has asked me numerous times to go see him. I am very conflicted with what I should do. It breaks my heart to see him in so much pain. I want to be there as a support but I don't want to give him to think everything is okay again. How do I go about this breakup and this whole situation? Everyone has abandoned him and abused him his whole life, I don't want to leave him in a time of need.

[Mutt]

 Hi myselfandI,


 
That's a rough weekend! I'm sorry that you're going through a difficult time. I understand how it feels like an emotional rollercoaster when our pwBPD moods rapidly change and we're confused with what to do. On one hand, the r/s is toxic and on the other hand it's heart breaking to watch our pwBPD struggle.
 
 I recall when I was going through a rough path with my ex wife and I told her that I think that we need to live separately for awhile until we can figure things out. We were in a restaurant and she broke down crying, I just felt so sorry for her and I changed my mind about separating. I know that it's not easy, there are no easy answers, myselfandI, but you couldn't continue with the toxicity for a reason. Has he made an effort to go therapy?
                                      

[Waddams]

It's very hard to see people we care about breakdown.  One thing to remember, though is you didn't break him, you can't fix him.

He will continue to play his dysfunctions off you as long as you are present for him to do so.  He'll only change/heal if he has no other way to deal with his dysfunctions.  In order for that to happen, you have to be not be around.  And even then, he might not take responsibility for himself, he might just seek out his next victim instead.

[myselfandi]

Thank you both. It is extremely heartbreaking to watch him breakdown and be so sad. I can't help but feel responsible even though I know it is not my fault. I've tried to express to him that he needs to go through this journey on his own and get the help he needs for HIM not US. He tried to spin it around and say if you love someone you should want to be there through the hard times and be there every step of the way. I tried being there for him before and he pushed me away. I have finally come to realize that it is just so toxic. He is still at the hospital, he will be for a few more days and then I believe they are moving him to the mental hospital. He is ready and open for therapy but I can't help but think it is only because he has lost me and just wants to show he will do anything to get me back. That may be rude to say but it is how I feel. I am going tonight to visit him for the first time since the incident. I'm nervous about it because I want to show support but I don't want to give him the wrong idea. I just don't want to be so harsh about the breakup and cut off communication while he is in the hospital. I don't think I could live with myself if I did that.

[Circle]

What better time to cut off communication, than when he is at the hospital? He will have the support network he needs to process it. And, the switch in routine, from his regular life, is the best time to kick a habit (you). Being forthright with him might be a positive action. It's your choice. Hang in there.