Did your BPD refuse to contribute financially?

[michel71]

Hi all. My uBPD/NP wife now has a good paying job and refuses to pay a fair share of the expenses, credit card bills. The only thing she will pay for is her car payment and insurance.
We have had many discussions only for them to go South quick and her telling me that I am being unfair. We both discussed getting a financial advisor to act as a mediator because we just don't agree.
Her pattern is to not work with me, declare what she is going to pay (or not) and basically tell me to lump it. Last month she paid what SHE THOUGHT was fair (she went back on all kinds of promises she had made before... .like x amount to this and x amount to savings nevertheless). I knew I had no choice so I just accepted it.

[michel71]

oh yeah... .one more thing... .she now tells me that she wants a divorce!

[hope2727]

Mine was happy to use my money for "us" but unwilling to use his money for "us". So I can't speak for anyone else but yes that was what mine was like.

[Fr4nz]

My personal experience is that my uBPD/HPD ex almost always expected me to offer her meals when we were hanging out; sometimes, I even had to pay in full HER grocery shoppings (read below).

Whenever I questioned about her expectations, big fights ensued... .

Now, you should mind two things about what I just wrote: first, for a relevant part of our 1.5 r/s I was earning like her AND I was almost always travelling from my city to hers during each weekend - we lived 250km apart; as such, this required some non-trivial financial effort from my side.

Second, since we were only seeing each other mostly during the weekends, it was quite unfair to ask me paying in whole her grocery shoppings for the whole week... .
And I could mention several other examples.

All in all, I see a very evident selfishness, coupled with a constant need to be reassured that I cared about her, even financially.

I know that mine doesn't represent an extreme case; nonetheless, I think there's some truth in that a notable amount of sufferers end up being a financial burden on their partners.

[UnforgivenII]

Me. Single mum paying the rent. Him. Spoiled rich brat.

He NEVER helped me. I had to pay even for his mobile which he broke throwing it on the floor in a rage, as he "forgot the money". And he forgot to give it back to me.

They are so sick but so money wise. Strange huh?

[Icanteven]

There's a deeper, more implicit question in the OP.

What's one of the hallmarks of BPD?  Impulsivity.

And what's one of the DSM examples related to?  Spending.

So, you've got a certain subset of pwBPD whose impulsive behavior ties back to spending.  And, if they're not independently wealthy (perhaps even if they are), they're going to spend more than they can afford, leaving others holding the bag financially.

You could change "contribute financially" to "eat," "stop eating," "remain faithful," "stop getting in fights," "drive like a sane person," etc. and there would be a ton of folks chiming in.  In this case we're talking about finances, but being fiscally irresponsible is just a symptom of the underlying disease.

[michel71]

That is a really good point. I need to keep that in mind. The impulsivity factor is present in other aspects of her as well but I would consider her a high functioning BPD/NP and the outside world sees her as very responsible and temperate.

[enlighten me]

I pretty much paid for everything. Whats mine was our whats hers her own. Even ifI bought her lunch she would get in a grump if I didnt offer her some of mine.

impusivity, childeshness call it want you want. I will just call it infuriating.

[Fr4nz]

There's a deeper, more implicit question in the OP.

What's one of the hallmarks of BPD?  Impulsivity.

And what's one of the DSM examples related to?  Spending.

So, you've got a certain subset of pwBPD whose impulsive behavior ties back to spending.  And, if they're not independently wealthy (perhaps even if they are), they're going to spend more than they can afford, leaving others holding the bag financially.

You could change "contribute financially" to "eat," "stop eating," "remain faithful," "stop getting in fights," "drive like a sane person," etc. and there would be a ton of folks chiming in.  In this case we're talking about finances, but being fiscally irresponsible is just a symptom of the underlying disease.

Hey lcanteven,

for sure it has to do with impulsivity, at least in part... .but, in my opinion there's more - some kind of malice perhaps, at least sometimes.

Personally, I think that, at times, there's a conscious intent to exploit the partner as well... .
Perhaps its done to "test the love", or to get attentions, however there's definitely some kind of planning that goes with it.

On the other hand, I have to say that, sometimes, my ex exhibited a quite remarkable generosity... .

[SES]

While we were married, she never paid a thing towards mortgage or bills.  We ended up going to couples counselling about it, and we agreed that she would start paying half (she was employed)... .anyway, she didn't... .and I didn't like to raise it with her as she'd end up in rage.  

During divorce... .still refused to pay her share re our home, despite agreeing to do so via our lawyers!  

[Hopefulgirl]

My ex BPD guy always dated or had relations with women who had more money than him. He even said to me once "She thinks I'm an opportunist! So manipulative". He only goes on trips when someone else is paying. He is basically a "kept" man now and sees no problem with this. Person hes with doesn't seem to either, so in my opinion she's being an enabler.

[greenmonkey]

My exuBPD gf, had a full time job, management position etc, so pretty good income. I was self employed and had been for a while.

She never did food shopping ( only times when I said i was not cooking - so she went out got food only for herself - no one else), she never paid or contributed to any household bills or rent, she never did any household stuff (cleaning, tidying, putting away, washing etc), she never paid for a coffee out or meals out - a big fat zero.

When I removed her from my house, after finding out about all the pathological lying, cheating etc, I contacted the utility companies and they pursued her directly for outstanding bills where her name was on it, as they saw I had been paying them. I also got the council to chase her for the outstanding debt up until the date she left. They then set up a new account for myself.

All these debts were only cleared due to court action being taken as she felt entitled not to pay. It took 6 months to get £55 off her - that grew to about £300 due to charges, and court time.

She had a massive sense of entitlement, what was mine was hers and what was her was hers.