Revelations

[JJacks0]

I'm having some revelations lately.
It seems as though things have come around full-circle in ways I never anticipated.

I can't even say definitively how long my ex and I have "officially" been broken up due to the recycling, etc. But we have not had contact in close to a month. While I am still in love with her and quite obviously still hung up on her, I have been spending time with someone else. This woman is aware of my situation (we have been friends for over a year) and knows that I am in no position to start anything. We really just spend time together and sort of "date" for lack of a better word... .without a real label or any further intentions.

What's really come to my attention is how my r/s with this new woman is beginning to mimic some aspects of my r/s with my ex (obviously a huge red flag). Initially this made me think that maybe I am the cause of the problems, or that my past r/s has affected me to the point that I have taken on my ex's behaviors (fleas?) 

But the strangest part is that I feel like I'm viewing my past r/s from the perspective of my ex now.

Example: The other night the new woman and I got into an argument. I wanted to step outside for a minute just to defuse the situation and she stood in front of the door trying to get me to stay. This is something that I used to do to my ex (although she was threatening suicide when I did it, so I was afraid to let her leave). But when it happened to me, I sure as hell did not like it. It made me so much more frustrated, much more than I was initially. It's like all of a sudden I realized why my ex behaved in the way she did - why she got so angry when I tried to stop her from leaving. At the time I had the best of intentions - I was trying to take a precaution, I feared for her safety and I thought I could calm her down. But in hindsight I see how wrong it was of me to do that. I see how that set her off.

Another Example: The new woman will often say invalidating things to me. This isn't something I really have a huge problem with ordinarily, but lately I just want to snap. I'll be sad about my ex for instance, and she will downplay my feelings, tell me it happens to everyone, or that I could have it so much worse and I should think about all the good things I do have. While she may be right, logically, it really is frustrating to have someone fail to acknowledge your feelings, especially when they are so strong and consuming. I had another "ah ha moment" here, thinking about all the times when I thought I was saying the right thing - trying to be positive, etc... .but really was just making my ex feel like I didn't understand her or acknowledge her fears, worries, or pains.

In a karmic way, I wonder if there is a reason that I find myself in this position now, as frustrating as it is... .to now see things the way that my ex saw them. I wish I had understood these things sooner and I wish I could tell my ex these things now. I miss her so much, but my intentions for wanting to share these things with her is genuinely not even to restart anything. Quite frankly I'm sure I'd be better off not hearing from her just yet. I'd simply like her to know that I see my role in things, that I don't think she's all to blame, & that I'm sorry I failed to understand this sooner.

But I also realize there is no way of getting this across to her without breaking NC.
Maybe one day I will write her a letter, but in the meantime I should probably just keep doing what I'm doing. There are likely more revelations to be had.

[joeramabeme]

I'm having some revelations lately.
It seems as though things have come around full-circle in ways I never anticipated.

In a karmic way, I wonder if there is a reason that I find myself in this position now, as frustrating as it is... .to now see things the way that my ex saw them. I wish I had understood these things sooner and I wish I could tell my ex these things now. I miss her so much, but my intentions for wanting to share these things with her is genuinely not even to restart anything. Quite frankly I'm sure I'd be better off not hearing from her just yet. I'd simply like her to know that I see my role in things, that I don't think she's all to blame, & that I'm sorry I failed to understand this sooner.

But I also realize there is no way of getting this across to her without breaking NC.
Maybe one day I will write her a letter, but in the meantime I should probably just keep doing what I'm doing. There are likely more revelations to be had.

Hey Jjacks, I can relate to this. Dare I say there is a morbid sense of reflection in all of this?  Morbid in the sense that when I was in the relationship it was hard to keep my head above the water and not drown in confusion.  And yet afterwards, reflect on how I could have handled it from the perspective of someone that is not in the midst of the storm. 

I think everyone has a tendency to look back on their tough moments in life and say I could have . . .  The truth is that we do the best we can, at least I can say that for myself.  I suppose the Silver lining in all of it is being able to see that I have changed in some way that allows me to see what I did not previously.  Doesn't feel like that is much of a gain given all that we put into our r/s' but progress is progress.

I said this the other day and will repeat it here; we can't judge yesterdays actions on today's knowledge. 

Not sure if there is any solace in all that but my guess is that you were doing the very best you could at the time - even if that is not the best you have today.

JRB

[steelwork]

I so understand this. I wrote in another thread about how I realized yesterday that I'd lost a friend through my inattentiveness to her needs. I have huge regrets about how I treated my ex, honestly, though I also see now that it was always an impossible situation. And in both these cases, the punishment far, far exceeded the crime.

It's too late, but I will tell you that I've been reaching out to other friends today, to let them know I love them--in case I'd been remiss.

We can be better people to the ones who are still in our lives. We do have that power.

[Method]

JJacks0,

I think it is going to be a common reaction, I can relate as well. I wish I had this knowledge and understanding before. But fact is, we didn't and we can't change that now. We can only continue to move in the direction we are moving, and apply it going forward.

I can also relate to wanting to date another woman. This too has crossed my mind. BUT, take a look at what that is actually doing. My opinion, and why I have chosen not to (for starters, I am still married so I wouldn't do it until its officially over), all that would be doing is moving my co-dependency from one woman to another. That is not what I want for myself. I want to be able to stand on my own two feet. I will NEVER be co-dependent on anyone for my happiness again. It is also more attractive to women, your ex included, to see you as a strong, confident man, by his own merit. My two cents.