Living together after break up?

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

I broke with BPD partner and after initial extremes, 3-4 days later they seem completely over it, gone from being cared for to going out all day. They are having therapy. I don't know what they are feeling but I seem the one who's most upset.

We still live together in diff rooms and I feel terrible and they are the one who needs to move out. They seem to have no empathy or blocking it out. What should I do living wise? What do others experience when living together after split? As obviously can't just move out instantly.

[Woods77]

I broke with BPD partner and after initial extremes, 3-4 days later they seem completely over it, gone from being cared for to going out all day. They are having therapy. I don't know what they are feeling but I seem the one who's most upset.

We still live together in diff rooms and I feel terrible and they are the one who needs to move out. They seem to have no empathy or blocking it out. What should I do living wise? What do others experience when living together after split? As obviously can't just move out instantly.

[gotbushels]

Hi Woods77 

Living with an ex after a split seems difficult. My ex and I stopped living together very close to the time we split up for the last time. We did break up while living together several times, but I don't know how close this is to your situation.

You could try recalling that you are best suited checking that your emotions aren't still being shared. It helped me to ask which emotions belonged to which person during these periods.

Also, you mention they seem to have no empathy. Can you be specific?

[Woods77]

I'm very broken up about it and she doesn't seem too bothered on the surface? Its like nothing's happened to her and she doesn't seem to care I don't know.

[gotbushels]

I see. Alright. It might help you to lay it out. Well I don't know whether she understands your feelings or not.

1. You're thinking if she's sufficiently concerned to express or produce a reaction on the surface.

2. You're wondering if something has happened to her feelings.

3. You're concerned with seeing her express in some way that she cares.

When you lay all that out, then you can ask yourself some questions. They are tough, but I ask them in a completely nonjudgmental way. I encourage you to refrain from jumping onto self-judgment too. The answers might be obvious to you, but each person experiences a relationship breakup differently.

1. Why do you want her to produce a reaction on the surface?

2. Why is it that you want something to have happened to her feelings from your breakup with her?

3. Why is it that you want her to express that she cares?

[earlgrey]

Hi Woods 77

read your posts with big interest. I initiated divorce several weeks and ago and because of circumstances we will be cohabiting for the next 10 months!

She also is the one to be moving out... .

I agree - they can move on very quickly. She (my STBex) seems to have got over any 'emotional' trauma very quickly and now seems more concerned with admin than broken hearts.

We have different rooms too, and her moods swing from blamey to remote to friendly.

The decision is now a 'joint' one, according to her, so I guess she was not up to being a victim for very long.

I know it is summer, but she walks around with not much on most of the time... .either it is a ploy to attract me in, or maybe just look what you are missing!

It does make things awkward because I still find her attractive    

I tried this exact scenario 12 months, but cracked and we tried to patch up. The reason was simply that I was not yet prepared enough to really detach.

This time round I am doing fine (except for the goddam nudity   !)

Keep focused and I'll be pleased to swap notes.

EG

[pjstock42]

Woods,

I can't relate to having to live with your ex partner but I'm sure that is unpleasant and I wish you strength in dealing with that situation.

I can however relate to how quickly your ex got over things as mine did the same. It makes me feel quite stupid that I'm more than 2 months out from her discard and still wallowing in this pain every day whereas she was seemingly completely over it in a matter of days. While I was in excruciating pain, unable to eat/sleep or really function at all in the days following her abandoning of me, she was sending emails acting as if nothing had ever happened. Even worse, on the last day I ever saw her she was totally normal/loving towards me and seemed to be in a happy mood, despite her knowing that she would be tossing me in the trash never to see me again in just a matter of hours. I'll never forget the last time I saw her, standing at the front door of our apartment and hugging/kissing her as she left for work. She said "I love you" multiple times which was strange because it was usually only something she said once as she left for the day. If I had known at that moment that it is the last time I was ever going to see her in my life, I would have been incredibly overwhelmed with emotion yet she knew this and it didn't seem to affect her at all.

I've thought about this a lot and my only conclusion is that pwBPD can go through somewhat of a secretive/discreet detachment process that could be happening right in front of you and you'd never know it. My ex had been planning her discard covertly with her sister for weeks yet during that time she acted happy, was always telling me how perfect I was and how much she loved me etc. I suppose this is just a prime example of how skilled of an actor she is/was s manipulation & deception was just second nature for her. Her entire life is built upon lying to others but more importantly, lying to herself and believing her own delusions. She is filled with so much shame/guilt and self-loathing that I think she's basically in a perpetual survival mode and the only way for her to function on a daily basis is to lie to herself and believe the things that she makes up in her head. I can't imagine that this is a very pleasant way to live so I do pity her a bit but what I'm not ok with is the fact that I know she has at least enough self awareness to know when she is playing games with someone and toying with their heart. All I ever asked for was open & honest communication and it's funny because she would always echo how important those things were to her while at the same time knowingly lying to me about life-changing things.

Sorry I'm rambling here. On one side, I would say don't take it personally that she got over things so quickly but at the same time, I tell myself this and while it helps to understand that this is just the way she treats people, it also makes me wonder if anything she ever said was real and if I was ever really special to her at all or just a useful tool for her that she no longer had a need for. Either way, I again wish you luck with your living situation, it looks like there are others here with similar experience who can be of good help to you.

[StayStrongNow]

Get them out or you get out ASAP.

We put the divorce on hold and I took an upstairs bedroom and the stbxPBDw took our once together bedroom downstairs. I subjected myself to intense devaluation but still followed recommendations from a totally incompetent T who diagnosed her with PTSD with having "some traits of BPD", and he told me to always say "I'm sorry you feel that way." Days into this living arrangement ended when she punched and kicked me yet again and I moved out. I did not know what I know now about BPD but I am wiser now and I know now that my recycle days are OVER!

I know, I used the word "now" three times in this last sentence but that is all I care about is now and in the future, I am done with my history with her, it's been a horrific nightmare. This living arrangement was a year and a half ago and it has gotten worse.

Once the cycle goes into devaluation you are at a point of no return to any long lasting idealization. If it seems like idealization has come back to any extent it is only for their personal gain and you will be put down harder than any time before.

NC or LC is the ONLY way.

[earlgrey]

I say I am doing fine, but actually it is not that easy.

Seeing my SO being placid and 'normal' no rants, no gratuitous put downs etc , but being reasonable and distant is causing little voices inside me to say (hey ho pal, have you made the right decision?)

My rational brain says, remember when there is no pressure on the r/s she flips into 'paint him black' mode and I get daily non stop 'abuse', no fun no joy just the black. The reason for my wanting out.

Then I say divorce, she flips to a different emotional status and the very 'reason' for my unhappiness is no longer visible.

I am slightly worried also about my own approach, which also seems to be pretty black and white... .want out/almost want in!

I suppose that is why so much is made of non contact NC, because it allows one to avoid all the confusing signals and messages, and keep a good focus.

Am I experiencing 'normal stuff for a BPD type break up', which is generally avoided by being no contact?

Am i/we doing it the hard/ way?