I'm done trying w BPD Wife

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Been 12 years this August, being married.  Been through so much verbal, emotional and at times physical abuse.  Tired of the lying, the financial irresponsibly, the ruining of so many special moments by her.

We have an 8 year old daughter and she sees it all from her mom.  The black and white has just gotten to be too much.  The latest is the final nail in the coffin.

Where I work at, if we have a good year, they will take us on a cruise, etc... Been on four of them, the last one I paid for our daughter to go on.  During this cruises, my wife would spend most of the time in the cabin and would absolutely not do anything special with me.  No excursions, no going out, etc...

Yesterday afternoon, my work informed me that they want to take me and her to an all-inclusive resort in Mexico.  It would be too much to take my daughter, but my parents would be more than happy to have her for the week.

Thinking my wife would actually want to take a week from a cold January to lay on the beach relax, I told her about the trip along with the booklet they gave me.  We would have to pay absolutely nothing.  It's a once in a lifetime trip.

Her reaction?  "No thanks, but you can go yourself".  "I'm not going without our daughter".  Wouldn't even look at the booklet.  Do you know how embarrassing it is to go to management and turn down this offer?  Even if I were to try to convince her to come she would just make the worst of it.  Her other reply was "It will be boring there." 

I told her that I'm done.  That I feel the only reason she is with me is that I put a roof over her head and I give in when she blows through her paycheck and comes to me for money.  Every time this past year that my parents had our daughter either overnight or for multiple days at a stretch, not once has she went out with me in public.  I get rejected from even wanting to go out to dinner with her.  Sex is non-existent, as well as any other form of affection. 

Her step-mom is looking to leave her dad, who is exactly like her.  The last two times she went on a 'vacation' it was with my daughter and her dad (who I do not talk to because of his behavior).  I'm tired of going out by myself, feeling half-single.  All the times I've been out and women have approached me and honestly it's getting more and more comfortable talking with them.  I seem to have better communication with these women then my own wife.

Why do these BPDs need to try to ruin everything or look at the bad side of a great thing?  She was the complete opposite when I met her (I know this is common with BPD).  The last thing I told her was that I am going to start living life for myself, whatever direction that takes me in.  I'm not a cheater, never have, but when you get emotionally starved for years you start to think about how little time you have left on this planet and that it's not fair that we have to tolerate this on a daily basis.

Yes she's been to therapy but quit two months in.  Therapist told me she needs years of therapy and that if I divorce her, she has a high risk of suicide.

It shouldn't be this hard to be happy.

[Silveron]

Been 12 years this August, being married.  Been through so much verbal, emotional and at times physical abuse.  Tired of the lying, the financial irresponsibly, the ruining of so many special moments by her.

We have an 8 year old daughter and she sees it all from her mom.  The black and white has just gotten to be too much.  The latest is the final nail in the coffin.

Where I work at, if we have a good year, they will take us on a cruise, etc... Been on four of them, the last one I paid for our daughter to go on.  During this cruises, my wife would spend most of the time in the cabin and would absolutely not do anything special with me.  No excursions, no going out, etc...

Yesterday afternoon, my work informed me that they want to take me and her to an all-inclusive resort in Mexico.  It would be too much to take my daughter, but my parents would be more than happy to have her for the week.

Thinking my wife would actually want to take a week from a cold January to lay on the beach relax, I told her about the trip along with the booklet they gave me.  We would have to pay absolutely nothing.  It's a once in a lifetime trip.

Her reaction?  "No thanks, but you can go yourself".  "I'm not going without our daughter".  Wouldn't even look at the booklet.  Do you know how embarrassing it is to go to management and turn down this offer?  Even if I were to try to convince her to come she would just make the worst of it.  Her other reply was "It will be boring there." 

I told her that I'm done.  That I feel the only reason she is with me is that I put a roof over her head and I give in when she blows through her paycheck and comes to me for money.  Every time this past year that my parents had our daughter either overnight or for multiple days at a stretch, not once has she went out with me in public.  I get rejected from even wanting to go out to dinner with her.  Sex is non-existent, as well as any other form of affection. 

Her step-mom is looking to leave her dad, who is exactly like her.  The last two times she went on a 'vacation' it was with my daughter and her dad (who I do not talk to because of his behavior).  I'm tired of going out by myself, feeling half-single.  All the times I've been out and women have approached me and honestly it's getting more and more comfortable talking with them.  I seem to have better communication with these women then my own wife.

Why do these BPDs need to try to ruin everything or look at the bad side of a great thing?  She was the complete opposite when I met her (I know this is common with BPD).  The last thing I told her was that I am going to start living life for myself, whatever direction that takes me in.  I'm not a cheater, never have, but when you get emotionally starved for years you start to think about how little time you have left on this planet and that it's not fair that we have to tolerate this on a daily basis.

Yes she's been to therapy but quit two months in.  Therapist told me she needs years of therapy and that if I divorce her, she has a high risk of suicide.

It shouldn't be this hard to be happy.

[formflier]

Dude... .  

Can you take your daughter instead of your wife?  Please don't turn down this opportunity with your management.

You seem fairly certain where your r/s is going... .so even more important that you are a good influence on your daughter.

Even if you have to go alone... .please go.

Might as well start living your own life... .once your wife sees you are really doing that... .she may elect to join you on doing things that you want... .or she may not.  Either way, you are "de-linking" your happiness and activities from her agreement.

Thoughts? 

FF

[Dontknow88]

 


I agree with FF, go on that trip with your daughter and if she doesn't allow it, go by yourself! Please don't turn it down. That's a great opportunity!.



I understand that you are your limit and you are right life is too short.

You seem like the bigger person that also won't cheat and I understand how that may seem like a possible though giving the fact that you are in a loveless marriage. Think hard about your next step and look at all your options.


Maybe (if you do decide to go without her) prep yourself for the trip she will want to tag along and if she doesn't, you go and have fun!

[Lucky Jim]

Agree w/those above.  Why not go by yourself?  It might be more fun on your own.  LJ

[Silveron]

Thanks for the replies.  Management told me I have until the 9th to decide.  I didn't think about taking just my daughter, she already has her passport so I'm going to check into that.  My daughter has major anxiety issues when it comes to her mom, due to the black/white of this whole thing.

Everyone else that's going is taking their spouses and they all know my wife.  It would seem weird that I'd just go by myself while all my co-worker's spouses are there.

[Dontknow88]

Thanks for the replies.  Management told me I have until the 9th to decide.  I didn't think about taking just my daughter, she already has her passport so I'm going to check into that.  My daughter has major anxiety issues when it comes to her mom, due to the black/white of this whole thing.

Everyone else that's going is taking their spouses and they all know my wife.  It would seem weird that I'd just go by myself while all my co-worker's spouses are there.

Oh I see. Depending on where you live you will still need to get permission from your wife a concent form.

I say tell the truth for the most part "she didn't feel like coming on the trip this time around"

Try to go

[SamwizeGamgee]

I get it when you say you feel you are done.  I'm with you.
And, the dad instinct in me says take your daughter.  Now that would be a once in lifetime trip!
I do lots of day trips now with my kids and not my wife.  Sometimes it takes a little bit for the kids moodiness and anger to subside, but, after enough time away from mom, things get happy again.  I bet the same would happen for you.  And as far as Co workers taking spouses, don't worry about it. Being a great dad is the new man code.  You'll have more fun with your kid than probably half of the coworkers who are dragging along a spouse they don't really want


Oh, you can take me if you want.  We can read BPD and parenting  books on the beach.

[formflier]

Everyone else that's going is taking their spouses and they all know my wife.  It would seem weird that I'd just go by myself while all my co-worker's spouses are there.

Your choices aren't weird.  They may be different... .

Worry much more about what you think... .less about what co-workers think... .

Sorry... .getting down off soapbox now... .   

FF

[formflier]

Present this to your wife as a choice... .not an ultimatum.  She will hear an ultimatum... .that's her business... not yours.

Talk to daughter ahead of time to.  Have you ever gone on a trip just with her.  Don't get specific... .but mention there is chance for trip... .and you would love to go with her... .use the time to connect more with her... .etc etc.  Again... this is broad idea... .you are testing the waters... and planting a seed.

Might even be good to test water with daughter first... .

Then, talk to wife.  Be short... direct and clear.

1.  Wife is important to you and your desire is to go with her and "connect" with her. 

2.  You completely understand that wife may not want that kind of thing... .and while disappointed... you love her and understand.  Your work is important to you and you will be going and plan on taking daughter if wife backs out.

3.  You need to know by Sept 4th (give some room here). 

Practice this... .you need to be even, non-judgmental.  You are asking your wife about your wife's desires and decisions... .you are informing your wife of your plans.

DO NOT ask your wife if it is OK for you to go.

Thoughts?

FF

[Hmcbart]

I have been in your shoes many timesfot company trips.  I would go on at least one a year that was company paid.  I went by myself at least half the time. It's not really that much fun when you're alone and its date night for all your friends. On my trips I was not allowed to bring my kids or I would have definitely done so.  Take your daughter with you, that's time you will never get back and from the sounds of, to a place you may not get to visit again.

I also live the life of zero affection and sex.  No date nights even though the kids are old enough to be home alone.  After getting turned down enough times, I just stopped asking.  No when I have free time and she is laying around watching tv (sick, headache,etc) I take my boys and we go have fun without even thinking twice. We offer to let her come along but as soon as she says no, we are out the door having fun.