Cringeworthy common sayings, knowing what you know now?

[HopefulDad]

I consider myself as someone with a good sense of humor in that I don't get easily offended, can laugh at a lot of situations (probably my defense mechanism that helped me last as long as I did in my marriage) and laugh at myself in particular.  As an example: You can't help but notice on TV how certain stereotypes are played up for laughs, like the bumbling husband who needs the wife to save the day and prevent catastrophe at home.  To me, it's funny.  It's obviously a stereotype and not universally true.  Yeah, I understand that it may rub others the wrong way if not outright offend some.  That's fine to me as we're all different.

After my experience with my BPDxw, though, I've noticed that there is one saying/stereotype in particular that really is causing me to cringe.  It's one that I used to say jokingly among my guy friends, but now I find myself rolling my eyes when someone utters it:

Happy wife, happy life!

There's this implication that it's the husband's job, his responsibility, to keep his wife happy.  It implies the wife isn't responsible for her own happiness.  Choice to go out with the guys or stay at home with the wife?  Choose the one that keeps the wife happy or else.  Of course we all know that this is unhealthy on its face, but particularly so with a pwBPD because you just aren't going to make them happy no matter what you do.

Anybody have their own sayings that cause a shudder or eye-roll that didn't used to do so before?

[purekalm]

HopefulDad,

Yes I do. I never liked that one and I am the wife! It implies exactly what you said. Where's the autonomy each person should have in those situations?

Mine is If you don't give it to him, someone else will.   It don't just make me cringe, it still makes me angry.

 It's come out of my mom's mouth more than anyone's! To me, it implies that a man is only staying with a woman so he can have sex whenever he feels like it. I know that's not the case, but if it was, I'd say screw it and tell him to leave if that was the only reason. I'm particularly upset about it because of that statement and the commandment in the Bible I was forced to do it all the time, exhausted/in pain/angry because if I didn't, he would leave me. As to the commandment, I'm sure both sides' heath conditions and things come into play, otherwise it's all one sided. There are legitimate reasons not to, just as there are excuses. I started to resent him and it wasn't enjoyable anymore at all. Now that we're actually at the end, I'm glad I stopped feeling and acting on it a long time ago for my own sanity. 

Sincerely,

Purekalm

[HopefulDad]

Mine is If you don't give it to him, someone else will.   It don't just make me cringe, it still makes me angry.

 It's come out of my mom's mouth more than anyone's! To me, it implies that a man is only staying with a woman so he can have sex whenever he feels like it.

As a guy, this saying always came across as "guys are horndogs and are gonna go get some no matter what, even if it means cheating".  Now while the horndog part is true :smirk: , the rest does indeed make guys sound like we have no self control.  "But I only cheated on you because you wouldn't give me any!"... .good luck with that one, guys.

Doesn't really rile me up, though.  Like I said before, I don't get easily offended.

[purekalm]

Now while the horndog part is true :smirk:

HopefulDad! I know it is! 

I'm the same. I was even cracking jokes when I was going into labor at the hospital and my mom and sisters were behind the curtain laughing at me saying "Purekalm, that's what we're supposed to be doing for you!" I can't help it. A smile/laugh is the best medicine to me. And, with me being so clumsy, I'd be miserable if I couldn't laugh at myself! HA HA 

[fromheeltoheal]

Hey Hopeful-

Happy wife, happy life!

The version I've heard is "If she's happy, everybody's happy."  Which to me has always meant that if she's pissed off or upset she can screw up the dynamic for everyone.  Kind of a walking on eggshells kind of thing, although I know a lot of families that operate that way, with male friends going as far as to say it's her house, they just live there.  Nope, not for me... .

When I read the title of your post I thought of my ex, who had a few cringe-inducing ditties:

"That's because you _____"

Although she didn't appreciate it when I told her that if everything she does is reactionary to what I do, then I can totally control her with my behavior.  That went over well... .not.

"Keep telling yourself that"

I haven't heard that one out of her mouth in years and it still makes me cringe.  "No babe, I'm telling you, now listen!"  Those days I do not miss.

[Harri]

How about a couple of cringe worthy phrases from an adult child of a uBPD mother and Non/?PD father?  Not sure how well this will go over but here goes:

She did the best she could  Yeah, I know she did.  To say that to someone who was abused (and any kid being raised by a BPD parent does experience some degree of abuse) is trite and a cop-out.  If you are a parent who is in recovery, by all means, acknowledge that you did indeed do the best you could and you did what you knew at the time, but only so that you can move through the healing process and on to learning new and healthier behaviors.  Please do not offer it as a response to someone you wronged or abused and please do not offer it as the Non parent as "comfort" to a child who has been abused by a mentally ill parent. 

Your mother loves you  I know my mother loved me.  Her love for me was as disordered and dysregulated as her mind was... .PDs are pervasive.

But she/he loves her mother/father so much and is so attached to them  News flash:  an infant/toddler is programmed to love their primary caretaker.  It is a primitive survival mechanism and without it we do not survive.  Attachment/wanting to be with a parent does not necessarily mean that the attachment is healthy.  Often kids are the closest with their worst abuser.  The bond is formed of a drive to survive and fear and anxiety when it is with an abusive parent/person.

We stayed together for you kids  Don't tell your kids this.  It is commonly interpreted as "we stayed unhappy and miserable for you kids" especially when they see/hear/remember the fights, remember the coldness and tension in the house, etc.  You made your choices, accept everything that goes with it. 

[HopefulDad]

We stayed together for you kids  Don't tell your kids this.  It is commonly interpreted as "we stayed unhappy and miserable for you kids" especially when they see/hear/remember the fights, remember the coldness and tension in the house, etc.  You made your choices, accept everything that goes with it. 

This is something as a dad I wanted to avoid putting my kids through.  I figured that while they may be kids now, their memories will last well into their adulthood and should I have stayed and continued to expose them to the dysfunction, as adults they eventually would say to me, ":)ad, WTH?"

I did not want my kids writing several years from now what you just wrote.

[Nope]

All of the passive aggressive memes in the world. Stuff like "If she says "it's fine" then you better watch out!" As if there is no expectation that someone is responsible for saying how they really feel and the expectation is that her partner should be a mind reader. And also that it's acceptable that if her partner doesn't act as a mind reader than whatever she does in retaliation is totally fair.

At best that kind of thing is immature. But at worst the fact that memes and sayings like that exists validates that others think that is an ok way to behave in a relationship.