Reconnected again, how can I make it better this time?

[KarmasReal]

Hello all,

So I've recently reconnected with my exBPD girlfriend, a little over a month ago. We have had some really good times and some fairly nasty, drunk fights as well. She loves pushing my buttons when drinking. At least I believe so, otherwise se just doesn't know some things she says to me are inappropriate.

This would be our third or fourth time reconnecting over the last two years. I honestly love her as a person but her disorder caused me to despise her at times. I've never found anyone I can connect with like this, but our relationship feels like a constant power struggle and testing one another.

I am really conflicted on where to go from here. She has brought up us being "boyfriend/girlfriend" several times but I change the subject cause I just don't know what to do. She just expects us to say that's what we are without actually talking about our relationship or what it should be. I am so conflicted. I don't want to be without her but I'm afraid that our relationship will just eat away at me because she doesn't know how to have a real, healthy one... .as far as I can tell.

So what I would like to know is, for all of you who have been in long term relationships with BPD people, how did the relationship affect you? How did you handle being with someone like this for so long, is it possible to make it somewhat healthy, if so how?

She is so all over the place I can't even tell if she loves me or really doesn't care at all, and we all know healthy communication with BPD people is nearly impossible, so I don't even know how it if I can talk to her.

Thanks for listening and the support!

[Herodias]

As many times as we broke up and got back together, the only advice that I can give you is that you have to start fresh each time. They cannot deal with reminders of the past and past breakups. So whatever the reason you broke up, you have to forget about it and never mention it again. If she brings it up, you are not going to win. Mine would always tell me, not to tell him what to do or try and control him. I am not sure what you are fighting about, but each time you take them back they think less of you, so if you do not put up the boundaries in the r/s now... .forever hold your peace. Stick to those boundaries, because they will be tested. Don't let her push your buttons... .

[thisagain]

Hey KR,

It's great that you're looking for ways to make it better! 

The best thing you can do is just read these lessons from the Improving board. There's a lot there, but you can start by skimming the titles and reading the threads that seem most relevant.

There are ways to have a healthier relationship with a pwBPD, and even to communicate more effectively. It just takes a lot of effort on your part and control of your own emotional reactions. Also you need to be willing to use boundaries to make sure that the relationship doesn't "eat away at you."

I think a good place to start would be Arguing - don't engage. It takes two people to have a nasty drunken fight or power struggle. Your first step is probably to drink less and make sure you stay in control of your own emotions. Then work on a strategy for how to end the fight, change the subject, or remove yourself from the situation.

Good luck! We've got your back and can help with any specific issues you encounter.

[Mutt]

Hi KarmasReal,

She has brought up us being "boyfriend/girlfriend" several times but I change the subject cause I just don't know what to do.

I can relate with breaking up and making up several times with a pwBPD and the knots that you feel in your stomach and the feeling like you're on an emotional roller-coaster, it's not pleasant. It's Ok to say what you feel, I'm guessing that you're changing the subject because you're worried about how she'll react? I wouldn't suggest avoidance but I think that you did the right thing with reaching out for help. Do you have an update for us?

[Lucky Jim]

I honestly love her as a person but her disorder caused me to despise her at times. I've never found anyone I can connect with like this, but our relationship feels like a constant power struggle and testing one another.

Hey Karmas, This is a pretty good description of the ups and downs of a BPD r/s, as well as the related drama.

Sounds like you have done the break-up/make-up routine with her before, so you know the drill.  What makes you think it will go differently this time?

I was once on the same see-saw, my friend.  Like you, I thought that I could crack the code and figure out a way to make things better on a lasting basis.  Indeed, I spent 16 years trying while married to my BPDxW.  Yet I never reached that plateau, which was sort of a mirage that was always just out of reach.

Suggest you listen to your gut feelings and proceed slowly.

LuckyJim

[JJacks0]

Hey Karma, any update on your situation?

I came across your post and I'm curious to see how this has progressed for you.

I tried reconnecting with my ex pretty quickly after we separated and got separate places (after a 7 year r/s). The following couple of months were a rollercoaster - just push/pull, left and right. Now we have been out of contact for a little over a month, but I still hope that one day we might be able to work things out. So your story is something I can relate to, and I hope that you're having some success in developing a healthier relationship.

Wishing you the best!