Possibly first BPD weirdness since Biblical Counseling ended

[formflier]

Unless she is telling people... .it is not known that we are no longer counseling.

Confidentiality rules on a paper we signed cover that.

But... .I am sure it has an impact on how she sees things.

FF

[Notwendy]

FOOs can have an impact in how we feel emotionally about our roles in our families. My parents and in laws followed the traditional model. My own personal choice was similar with some shared roles. I had a career but wanted to work part time. I did most of the child care/ house work.

What broke down for us was that the position of emotional comfort for my H was a strict division of roles . He intellectually knew better. When we were dating he seemed OK with my ideas. Seems like the day we got married- they went out the window. Asking him to wash a dish resulted in a rage and forget about asking him to watch the kids. Knowing he felt this way- I took on all of it- for their sake. The constant arguing over these things was scaring them.

If you ask him - he says he's a modern guy who supported my career interests. What I experienced was someone critical of my carreer and who emotionally expected me to do 100% of home making.

Your wife may understand the situation intellectually but emotionally it may feel different.

[formflier]

Your wife may understand the situation intellectually but emotionally it may feel different.

I'll bring this up and see if there are any responses I could change.

The odd thing is that it seems to be the opposite of what you experienced.  She wants me to NOT do things that I want to do  ... .ie  childcare. 

We definitely have different ideas about housework. 

I generally think it is a entire family affair.  Do it together and talk and enjoy each other while clothes are being folded and carried to rooms.  That way kids get firm idea of how much work it takes to have a drawer full of clean clothes.

However, wife wants me to "deliver" a perfectly clean house at end of day... .wants to act like that is what she did while I worked... .  I now know better than to argue about memories.

She was great and doing housework and balancing things.  I do it differently.

FF

[Notwendy]

I think it is great to involve the kids in housework. Mine did their part as they got older. I think involving the kids is even more crucial in large families, but is good for all kids regardless of family size.

Maybe her ideas about herself are idealizations. Or she sees her ideal self in other families. I do know of parents with large families who balance things well, but I don't have that skill.

Thankfully my H stopped doing this, but he would bring up a friend, who had a large family, who seemed to have it all together, and still looks amazing. But we would only see this couple out at dressed up events. I told her that my H thought she had it all together ( I think she does ). She laughed and told me to send him over when things were chaotic and she was in pajamas yelling at the kids!We don't see everything that goes on in other peoples' lives, but your wife may only see these families all dressed up in church looking great there.

I am not a good housekeeper, but the kids are well cared for, and I am a great cook. And if the job is mine- then I get to decide how to do it. 

You do too.

[empath]

However, wife wants me to "deliver" a perfectly clean house at end of day... .wants to act like that is what she did while I worked... .  I now know better than to argue about memories.

Well, you know, that's what "good Christian wives" are supposed to do.