Why do we get split black so bad?

[bus boy]

The past week I fell right back to where I was this time last year, full of pain and feeling empty. I am back to less access with s9. Xw lawyer is advising her to stay with existing order bc we have trial coming up. She refused. She found a way out of the new order and I lost a lot of access. I am so hurt and confused. I'm not eating right, not sleeping, I can't even look at s9's bedroom. He's going to be 10 soon and I'm realizing how much of a stranger I am to him. It's one thing after another, xw does not stop with emotional abuse and pain. I don't have a word to describe what I'm feeling. I just want the pain to stop. She just will not let up, she told me back in early August, s9 doesn't want me, doesn't want to be with me, no body wants me. She said it with such devotion to inflict maximum pain. My heart sunk. My brain is not getting a rest from processing. Xw is inflicting pain non stop, her BF is helping. In the last month I saw s9 for 5 hr's. She is taking so much pleasure in giving me great pain and I can't get over it. She is going out of her way to show me s9 doesn't need me, that he has a man in his life. How can someone do that? The sinister way she is doing this. Xw can tear your soul out with out saying any words. I'm a kind gentle man. My T says I'm a gentleman and a gentle man. It seems s9 doesn't miss me at all. I text him every morning and good night every night but in the last month he only responded to a few texts. The other night after not seeing him for 3 weeks he seemed up lifted when I told him he wouldn't be spending the night anymore and that our time has been cut way back. He made no emotion only seemed more up lifted. That is real pain when you see your child for a few hours and you realize the really don't want to be with you. She is replacing me with her BF in s9's life.

[steelwork]

bus boy, this is so painful, so sad to read. My heart goes out to you. I don't have kids... .I can only imagine how heartbreaking it would be to be met with indifference from my child.

Is there any way you can separate that issue out somewhat in your heart from the matter of your ex wife's treatment of you? Look at it as a problem to be solved in spite of her interference? The parenting-after-a-split board will surely have better advice on that matter, but I just want to say as a general principle that your s9's feelings are not really entirely in his hands. Children want what their parents want. That changes over time. He will grow up, see things differently, and if you have been a patient, loyal presence, sticking by him despite everything, it seems not just possible but likely that he will love you even more for it one day.

[bus boy]

Thank you. I tell myself that but sometimes the pain I to much. I am showing my son unconditional love and being paitent but sometimes the pain is to much and I want to walk away and let him decide when he gets older.

[JerryRG]

Hey bus boy

I'm sorry you have to deal with this, if it's any comfort, you are certainly not alone. I got this email 2 days ago.


You beat me. You raped me. You killed me.
Actually Satan did this all but...
(Bf) is not abusive, esp what you think it is he did.  You have done way worse and did u sit in jail? Not yet you haven't but you will when God says it's time especially if you keep harassing me.  See u Monday baby boy

My exgf is kinda crazy, disturbed, bent, twisted, or just borderline, I'm just not sure, but I'm glad I'm not around her anymore.

Things will get better my friend

[steelwork]

I am showing my son unconditional love and being paitent but sometimes the pain is to much and I want to walk away and let him decide when he gets older.

But you won't. You're a hero, bus boy.

[JerryRG]

I think about this same thing at least a few times each day, I cry out to God for the strength to get through and try to stay in the moment, look at my hands and remind myself I can only do what's right in front of me.

The future never comes, and the past is gone. All we have is right now.

I'm still practicing this on a minute to minute basis some days. Our sons need us bus boy.

If we give up they will be at the mercy of a mentally ill parent, and they will resent us leaving them.

This is one of the most difficult times of my life and also the most enjoyable and exciting.

I'm praying for you bus boy.

[bus boy]

Thank you JRG. I know you struggle as well. Your prayers mean a lot to me.