BPDexgf texted - is this sort of "pointless" convo typical after BPD r/s ends?

[eprogeny]

So... .the BPDexgf just texted me.  I guess deleting her phone number removed the block I'd had on it... .

She wanted to talk about our last conversation that had gone so badly.  But it was really fragmented - and it seemed like she didn't really want to be talking.  I remained completely neutral about everything - didn't offer my opinion or debate any of her points despite really wanting to a few times.

I asked what she wanted as far as the letting go and she didn't know.  I told her that I didn't think it was necessary to decide that at this juncture, but that I was confident we would both thrive no matter what ended up happening, but that I would prefer going our separate ways with love in our hearts for each other rather than the hurt and resentment our mismanagement of our relationship instilled in us.

She literally said nothing to that.

I really don't know what the goal of the conversation was - or if she achieved it.  And I'm not sure if the total neutrality I chose was good or not.  I just didn't want another emotionally harmful conversation, so I suppose it worked for that, though I did have a panic attack midway through - and nearly threw up.  Not sure why that happened.

She didn't ask me for anything - not to rekindle the relationship or the friendship and I'm not sure she really knew why she contacted me.  I know I don't. 

The whole thing was just... .I don't know... .weirdly pointless.  You know?     

Is this sort of pointless contact by them typical after the relationship finally ends? 

[FallBack!Monster]

I'm sorry you are dealing with that. It would have driven me crazy. Save the number and block again. Keep it block. That's what I did and I. Ever had the pleasure of hearing from her emotions again.  Though I don't think she ever tried to call once she left. That's why I was frustrated when I came here to ask the question.  :)idn't get much input but the idea.

On the other hand, you say she has BPD. Uou won't understand her. Maybe she needed to get something off her chest not ask for anything. There's always that maybe.

[fromheeltoheal]

Is this sort of pointless contact by them typical after the relationship finally ends?

It wasn't pointless to a borderline, she was seeing if an attachment was still in place, and if it was, it soothed her; borderlines need attachments to feel whole and complete.  You not engaging emotionally was a good move, it indicated there was little to no attachment, and if you keep that up she will eventually stop.  Texting is very weak communication too, most of the emotional content is lost, and that's good if your goal is to detach.

You can use that panic attack though, it's an indication how deeply we get enmeshed in these relationships, mandatory for someone who needs an attachment to survive, and it can give you an idea of how deep the emotional bond you're detaching from is.  Did that conversation change how you see her, yourself or the relationship epro?

[Infern0]

Yes it's completely normal.

A couple of factors in play here

1) NO CLOSURE with BPD. There is never closure from them, the closest you will get is them ghosting you. But even that is setting up a return later.

The number of times I've tried to get closure from my BPD and she will never give it to me. Our relationship status remains ambiguous and I'm told if I want to abandon her it's my choice.

If I ask for closure I get the silent treatment.

2) she probably genuinely doesn't know what she wants.

You have to remember these people are mentally ill, it's highly possible that when you hear from her even she doesn't know what her agenda is.

It's chaos and storms inside a BPD brain. It's best to remember that.

[The Teacher]

I got some helpful advice form my therapist that I believe is relevant to your situation. He told me that every time I open an email from my stbexBOPD wife, I'm handing power over to her. I now have her email filtered in gmail - it goes into a special place that can be read if I ever need to, and used in court if need be. It eliminated a source of stress, as my wife constantly emailed me manipulations and triggers and cruel crap.

I say don't even read the texts. There's no point.

[eprogeny]

You can use that panic attack though, it's an indication how deeply we get enmeshed in these relationships, mandatory for someone who needs an attachment to survive, and it can give you an idea of how deep the emotional bond you're detaching from is.

I just remember feeling like I wanted to be sick because we were talking and I was terribly afraid that something horrible was going to occur - I really just didn't want any conflict and I think my anxiety levels have been far too high for far too long these last weeks.

Did that conversation change how you see her, yourself or the relationship epro?

Yes, yes, and yes. LOL

I saw all of it in a new way, in that I didn't take her behavior or affect personally, and that I really did mean it when I said I knew I would thrive with or without her.  That was super new for me.  I've lived in terror that my PTSD was why our relationship faltered, and it was exhausting - and damaging - trying to prevent that from being the cause. 

My new realizations about the nature of her BPD symptoms, and my own level of co-depency, really made a huge difference for me in the conversation today because I was able to look at the whole exchange from a wholly different perspective. That allowed me to keep calm and to realize there wasn't anything to really fear anymore because I really didn't want the relationship to be reconciled, and I am pretty sure a real friendship isn't possible right now - because I have work to do on me that takes precedence.

[fromheeltoheal]

My new realizations about the nature of her BPD symptoms, and my own level of co-depency, really made a huge difference for me in the conversation today because I was able to look at the whole exchange from a wholly different perspective. That allowed me to keep calm and to realize there wasn't anything to really fear anymore because I really didn't want the relationship to be reconciled, and I am pretty sure a real friendship isn't possible right now - because I have work to do on me that takes precedence.

See, there you go, and good for you.  It's interesting when we detach a little and learn about the disorder, and then re-engage for whatever reason, and look at it with those eyes.  Much more comfortable yes?  What if everything happens for a reason and it serves us?  Sounds like that convo helped with your detachment, and it doesn't sound from what you told us that it will be an ongoing thing, but don't be surprised if she contacts you again, it's that attachment thing.  Take care of you!