Astonishing realization that has freed me from the pain

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I have spent an inordinate amount of time dealing with the pain and anguish of my failed relationship and friendship with my BPDexgf, to the point of it sometimes feeling debilitated - cycling over and over again in my head wondering why it failed, whether any of it had been real, feeling so responsible for it all, and trying to wrap my brain around how in the world someone can do the things she did... .and I have had what feels like a breakthrough revelation: My pain isn't at all about her or her messed up behaviors.  Not really.

You see, a few days ago I had a conversation with a new friend from this website during which he talked about the Imago relationship model (fascinating btw).  I did some research and have spent some time really thinking about this - and I can absolutely see how this model fit this relationship. And I think I now understand why it was so painful.

I used to tell my BPDexgf that it felt like we were both at the same place on the emotional path of our lives - that I was right where she was, and that I believed we could walk the rest of the path together.  I also have always quipped to others that I think people in relationships get into them because we are all drawn to our dysfunctions.  Man.  I didn't even know how right I was.

The hard and extremely painful realization I had today was this - having been raised by someone with BPD, I eventually internalized her behaviors toward me as "truths".  How could I not?  I was a child and had no real way to understand the sheer depth of dysfunction happening in our household.  

I think I have lived the entirety of my life truly feeling and believing that I was not someone who had value.  I didn't matter to anyone and never really could matter to them.  I have always felt that I only really existed to serve the needs of others - something heavily reinforced through the heavy Asian influence of my upbringing.  But, if you'd ever asked me if I felt this way I would have denied it.  I would have denied it emphatically, in fact, because it would have been my rational brain speaking and not my emotions - but it was my emotions that were wounded, not my ability to Reason.

Thinking back on my relationship with my BPDexgf I realize that her ideation phase toward me was something I did not understand for what it was - and I responded to it in a way that now makes so much sense.  I attached my still unhealed wounds to all the value, worth, and love that she was sending my way - so much so that it began to actually heal those wounds.  I began to believe - and more importantly, to feel - that I was actually worthwhile, and that I did get to have someone's love for me, and that I didn't just exist to meet someone else's needs because my needs were also being met.

Until they weren't.

And when that devaluation happened - it all came crashing down in a million pieces around me.  I was left devastated beyond words - like something inside me had just fundamentally broken.  And I know now that what it was that felt so broken was that hope that had been building toward healing those wounds and correcting that messed up way of thinking and feeling about myself.  This is why it was so painful - so debilitating - to lose the ideation.  This is why I tried so hard to get it back to "regain what we'd lost" through endless cycles of the rinse and repeat - but the damage had been done.  The trust required to allow that kind of healing was no longer there, and neither was her ability to see me in quite the same way as she had before - so all her behaviors did after that was to trigger me until I was left feeling as if I was being endlessly forced into reliving my very painful childhood.

Right now I feel as if I have just climbed Mt. Everest.  I am actually elated!  

I know it sounds weird to be so happy to realize just how worthless I think I am, but I'm not sure I know how to explain what I mean so it sounds better.  I think I'm just happy to understand how it happened - to know that she did actually love me (in her own way) even if it was only for a time, and that even though it wasn't a realistic viewing of me, it made me feel something I hadn't ever felt before - which was to be truly valued, loved, and appreciated for me.  Knowing now why I ended up there, and here, has made all the difference on my path, and I feel like I am actually in a place where real healing can begin.

And maybe I will do that in a relationship or out of one - but I will always now remember that there's a reason it hurts so badly when it ends - and that's because we've lost something that was fulfilling a need we may not have been aware even existed.  I hope I will learn the skills I need to keep those needs from leading into anything unhealthy, and today for the first time I feel absolutely none of the pain that has kept me from moving on anymore.  

God, what a relief.

I just thought I'd share - maybe someone out there in exBPD failed-relationship-land also has some old wounds that need examining?

[eprogeny]

I have spent an inordinate amount of time dealing with the pain and anguish of my failed relationship and friendship with my BPDexgf, to the point of it sometimes feeling debilitated - cycling over and over again in my head wondering why it failed, whether any of it had been real, feeling so responsible for it all, and trying to wrap my brain around how in the world someone can do the things she did... .and I have had what feels like a breakthrough revelation: My pain isn't at all about her or her messed up behaviors.  Not really.

You see, a few days ago I had a conversation with a new friend from this website during which he talked about the Imago relationship model (fascinating btw).  I did some research and have spent some time really thinking about this - and I can absolutely see how this model fit this relationship. And I think I now understand why it was so painful.

I used to tell my BPDexgf that it felt like we were both at the same place on the emotional path of our lives - that I was right where she was, and that I believed we could walk the rest of the path together.  I also have always quipped to others that I think people in relationships get into them because we are all drawn to our dysfunctions.  Man.  I didn't even know how right I was.

The hard and extremely painful realization I had today was this - having been raised by someone with BPD, I eventually internalized her behaviors toward me as "truths".  How could I not?  I was a child and had no real way to understand the sheer depth of dysfunction happening in our household.  

I think I have lived the entirety of my life truly feeling and believing that I was not someone who had value.  I didn't matter to anyone and never really could matter to them.  I have always felt that I only really existed to serve the needs of others - something heavily reinforced through the heavy Asian influence of my upbringing.  But, if you'd ever asked me if I felt this way I would have denied it.  I would have denied it emphatically, in fact, because it would have been my rational brain speaking and not my emotions - but it was my emotions that were wounded, not my ability to Reason.

Thinking back on my relationship with my BPDexgf I realize that her ideation phase toward me was something I did not understand for what it was - and I responded to it in a way that now makes so much sense.  I attached my still unhealed wounds to all the value, worth, and love that she was sending my way - so much so that it began to actually heal those wounds.  I began to believe - and more importantly, to feel - that I was actually worthwhile, and that I did get to have someone's love for me, and that I didn't just exist to meet someone else's needs because my needs were also being met.

Until they weren't.

And when that devaluation happened - it all came crashing down in a million pieces around me.  I was left devastated beyond words - like something inside me had just fundamentally broken.  And I know now that what it was that felt so broken was that hope that had been building toward healing those wounds and correcting that messed up way of thinking and feeling about myself.  This is why it was so painful - so debilitating - to lose the ideation.  This is why I tried so hard to get it back to "regain what we'd lost" through endless cycles of the rinse and repeat - but the damage had been done.  The trust required to allow that kind of healing was no longer there, and neither was her ability to see me in quite the same way as she had before - so all her behaviors did after that was to trigger me until I was left feeling as if I was being endlessly forced into reliving my very painful childhood.

Right now I feel as if I have just climbed Mt. Everest.  I am actually elated!  

I know it sounds weird to be so happy to realize just how worthless I think I am, but I'm not sure I know how to explain what I mean so it sounds better.  I think I'm just happy to understand how it happened - to know that she did actually love me (in her own way) even if it was only for a time, and that even though it wasn't a realistic viewing of me, it made me feel something I hadn't ever felt before - which was to be truly valued, loved, and appreciated for me.  Knowing now why I ended up there, and here, has made all the difference on my path, and I feel like I am actually in a place where real healing can begin.

And maybe I will do that in a relationship or out of one - but I will always now remember that there's a reason it hurts so badly when it ends - and that's because we've lost something that was fulfilling a need we may not have been aware even existed.  I hope I will learn the skills I need to keep those needs from leading into anything unhealthy, and today for the first time I feel absolutely none of the pain that has kept me from moving on anymore.  

God, what a relief.

I just thought I'd share - maybe someone out there in exBPD failed-relationship-land also has some old wounds that need examining?

[VitaminC]

Great realisation, eprogeny. I had a similar epiphany a few months back - also related to the imago theory as explicated in Harville Hendrix' “Getting the Love You Want”.  

It all made perfect sense. We attach to the familiar. We recognize familiar dynamics, and no matter how much we know intellectually that there's something wrong, it feels very right emotionally.

It feels right, because we know it very deep inside.

I felt both empowered by this knowledge; seeing it laid out clearly on the page, but also saddened to think that such old wounds were driving me so relentlessly.

But good for you if you take the positives away from that and see how that light shedding is a helpful thing! Good for you, and keep going with that.  

The one thing in Hendrix' book, which I do not think applies to a relationship with a pwBPD, is the idea that two people with wounds that fit together like a puzzle can heal each other. Perhaps with two more or less emotionally healthy people who have self-awareness this is possible as detailed in the book.  That took me another couple of months to figure out, after reading the book.

I began to think and say to myself that I needed my ex to fix it.   But a far more 'broken' person, with little ability to track and build on internal changes, has little hope of repairing their own wounds, much less being in a mutually repairing relationship. So.

But I'll say it again, good for you for realising that your "pain isn't at all about her or her messed up behaviors."  It can take people an awfully long time to understand this kind of thing in life.   Good for you. That is worth celebrating.  

[JQ]

E,

Thank you very much for sharing your story with others. It emphasizes that there are successes for NONs to get to the other side of their BPD r/s gone bad. Your story isn't much different than mine but I haven't put it into words like you have. Once you realize or have the light bulb go off as to why things happen the way they did, why you were in the r/s that you were and where you are now the rest is easy.

If you think about it, the tough work is over you have no where to go but up from here!   You can now work on yourself and live YOUR life for YOURSELF!  NONs do believe they exist to serve the needs of others. To see success in others success if we had a small part in it. To see the happiness of someone if we had a part in it. We found happiness & self worth in the happiness of others. We as NONs sacrificed mind, body & soul to others so that they would be happy & in turn would show us a little love, happiness because of the way we were brought up in a dysfunctional house. Sometimes we sacrificed mind, body & soul to the point where we almost cross the line of no return. That hole we dug was just about to deep to crawl out of.

Then when NONs like you share your story here it gives hope to others who take the time to read it, learn it and live it. Please continue to share your story & more of the details how you dug yourself out & got to the other side of your BPD r/s so that others might learn from you. Your work on yourself will continue as I like to say, once you learn & accept that you are a codependent you are a RECOVERING Codependent ... .not unlike that of a recovering alcoholic, it will be as you point out a life long challenge to continue to learn about ourselves & continue to move forward in OUR lives for OURSELVES!

Congratulations E!  Welcome to the other side!

J

[eprogeny]

It feels right, because we know it very deep inside.

I agree with this so hard right now it's not even funny.  I just wish my therapist had clued me in, but perhaps it was a journey I had to take for myself.

I felt both empowered by this knowledge; seeing it laid out clearly on the page, but also saddened to think that such old wounds were driving me so relentlessly.

It is incredibly empowering - and a little daunting. The realization tells me I have a lot of work to do.

The one thing in Hendrix' book, which I do not think applies to a relationship with a pwBPD, is the idea that two people with wounds that fit together like a puzzle can heal each other. Perhaps with two more or less emotionally healthy people who have self-awareness this is possible as detailed in the book.  That took me another couple of months to figure out, after reading the book.

This is the thing, yeah?  For me, I'm no longer concerned with whether or not we could have succeeded, so much as realizing that it was what I was subconsciously trying to do.  I may or may not have picked the right or the wrong person with which to try, but at least now I know why it all happened the way that it did.

Do I think someone with BPD is capable of being a mutual-healer?  In fact, I think I believe I do.  I would have to guess that it all depends on the way in which their disorder manifests, and how severely.  And, if they were getting effective treatment, I think the chances go way up. 

Most likely, the Imago thing isn't something that applies for all couple all the time - except for why they were drawn to each other in the first place.  That may be very valid for all relationships.  Whether two emotionally dysfunctional people can heal each other or not I think depends heavily on their self-awareness, as you've pointed out, and even people without BPD have limitations in that department.

Thanks for the encouraging words!

[eprogeny]

Once you realize or have the light bulb go off as to why things happen the way they did, why you were in the r/s that you were and where you are now the rest is easy.

That's exactly how it feels - though I know there is much work to do, still.

NONs do believe they exist to serve the needs of others. To see success in others success if we had a small part in it. To see the happiness of someone if we had a part in it. We found happiness & self worth in the happiness of others. We as NONs sacrificed mind, body & soul to others so that they would be happy & in turn would show us a little love, happiness because of the way we were brought up in a dysfunctional house. Sometimes we sacrificed mind, body & soul to the point where we almost cross the line of no return. That hole we dug was just about to deep to crawl out of.

Ain't that the truth?  I think I've always known I was far too self-sacrificing, and that I always seemed happiest when I was helping someone else sort out their issues... .but I don't think I ever did so without believing that it was the right thing to do - that not doing it would be bad, or that I was somehow bad to not want to do it.  I think I can thank my over-compartmentalization for that gem. hah!

But, you know, truth is - I do enjoy helping others.  I simply need to begin living in a way where their lives don't take precedence over my own and that their needs don't either.

once you learn & accept that you are a codependent you are a RECOVERING Codependent ... .not unlike that of a recovering alcoholic, it will be as you point out a life long challenge to continue to learn about ourselves & continue to move forward in OUR lives for OURSELVES!

That's it right there.  That's the big thing.  It's one thing to see the definition of co-dependency and realize it applies, it is another thing to come to see why that co-dependecy is so ingrained and just how deeply it so negatively effects the very things we never wanted to harm.  My particular level of compartmentalization has always left me hyper-rational so that whatever my emotions were doing I would just sort of leave them "over there" while I powered through whatever was going on to get to the more Reasoned approach.

I think this is why I could know certain things to be true, but never found the freedom I was hoping for - because I wasn't allowing myself to feel properly.  That's one thing this relationship did do for me... .it began an integration for me with my emotions that has not been easy, but that I know is important and good... .or will be eventually.

I can see now why BPDs and co-dependents end up in relationships together.  It's the perfect storm for both people.

[VitaminC]

I just wish my therapist had clued me in, but perhaps it was a journey I had to take for myself

Perhaps. Or perhaps you were "clued in", using different words, but weren't ready to receive it.   I kind of always knew it, and then forgot, and then knew it again, and then got confused. It took a few runs at the target, before I recognized there was a target.

And once I'd seen it, I was amazed again at how big and obvious it was. You know the two fish in the fishbowl story? David Foster Wallace, my favourite telling of it: "There are these two young fish swimming along, and they happen to meet an older fish swimming the other way, who nods at them and says, "Morning, boys, how's the water?" And the two young fish swim on for a bit, and then eventually one of them looks over at the other and goes, "What the hell is water?"  
 

It is incredibly empowering - and a little daunting. The realization tells me I have a lot of work to do.

That's it. This is beautiful work. Worthwhile work. Exciting work.

For me, I'm no longer concerned with whether or not we could have succeeded, so much as realizing that it was what I was subconsciously trying to do.  I may or may not have picked the right or the wrong person with which to try, but at least now I know why it all happened the way that it did.

Yes, exactly.

Thanks for the encouraging words!

It's your encouraging story that started them!

[eprogeny]

Perhaps. Or perhaps you were "clued in", using different words, but weren't ready to receive it.   I kind of always knew it, and then forgot, and then knew it again, and then got confused. It took a few runs at the target, before I recognized there was a target.

You know... .that's actually a great way to express exactly how my journey has gone.

And once I'd seen it, I was amazed again at how big and obvious it was. You know the two fish in the fishbowl story? David Foster Wallace, my favourite telling of it: "There are these two young fish swimming along, and they happen to meet an older fish swimming the other way, who nods at them and says, "Morning, boys, how's the water?" And the two young fish swim on for a bit, and then eventually one of them looks over at the other and goes, "What the hell is water?"

wow, I love that. So perfect.

It is exactly like that.  A neon sign couldn't have been more obvious, and yet, I missed it all this time.

It is an amazing realization. Honestly.

To see in myself those wounds - and to realize I've always known they were there, but had no insight into how they were effecting me all these years.  It's mind-blowing.

There was a reason this particular relationship was so emotionally traumatic for me - and that was what got  me to really start thinking.  Why?  Why, out of all the relationships I've ever had, why was this one the one that I just couldn't walk away from without so much damage?

There had to be a reason and had to be either that she was the most vile, evil, sociopathic person on the planet - or there was something very wrong with me that I wasn't seeing.  I knew the former could not be true, because I had seen her suffering and I knew her BPD damaged her as much as it did me.

That meant there could only be one real reason why I was suffering more than seemed appropriate - and that meant I needed to let myself understand exactly what it was that I missed so much about it... .that's what started opening my eyes.

I realized I was angry that she had treated me that way.  And it kept coming back to how much resentment I had after all I'd done.  And those four words - "after all I'd done" - are what led me further into this self-discovery than anything else I could have imagined.

I had to ask myself why I had done all those things.  Why did I keep doing them.  Why did it matter that I did them? 

And from there, it was a pretty painful realization that began to dawn.

[VitaminC]

Wonderful insights and process, eprogeny.   

And THAT is the great gift of the relationship. That is what it can teach us, if we are willing to look and learn. And we're learning from ourselves, using our own truth! If that isn't a testimony to how brilliant we are, I don't know what is.

I have to go to bed, it's pretty late for me, but I'm smiling away here and looking forward to hearing more from you!

 

[JQ]

E,

You're correct there is much work to do, but today is an amazing day. It's as if you woke up this morning and saw the sun for the first time and wondered in amazement. The most important part here is that you realize it, you know it and YOU are starting to live it!

You said, "I think I've always known I was far too self-sacrificing, and that I always seemed happiest when I was helping someone else sort out their issues... .but I don't think I ever did so without believing that it was the right thing to do - that not doing it would be bad, or that I was somehow bad to not want to do it."  This is common for NONs to do, it's ingrained in our self worth from the time we're a child in the dysfunctional family we were in. There is the 51% rule that YOU need to maintain from now on.

I was like you, still like you, it's the right thing to do, I like to help others, but I like you didn't know about the 51% rule until my therapist explained it to me. It is honorable & noble to want to assist, help, support others, a group or a cause, but you can't give more than 49% of yourself to all of those combined. The remaining 51% of your energy, love, strength, soul have to be kept in reserve for yourself. If you give more than 49% then you continue to get run down, low energy, mind, body and soul take a toll until you reach zero. You are unable to recharge yourself but continue to give to the BPD.  As you have come to learn someone with BPD Mental Illness will continue to take & take & take until the NON is used up beyond any reasonable measure to continue. As an uneducated NON knowagible in the ways of a BPD we would gladly do just that until the worst would happen to us. You see the results here in the forums story after story of a NON trying to recover.

you are truly on a good path on your recovery E and I want to commend you for your honesty and the strength to look inward at yourself and learn the things you had to do to get here. It certainly wasn't an easy thing to do and what you learned wasn't pretty but was necessary in order to have the break through moment that you have had today!   What a great example for others to follow, to learn from, for you to continue to help others while at the same time helping yourself first and foremost.

In the immortal words of Yoda, "Mmmm ... .learned much you have ... .further on your journey must you travel".  On your journey you will stumble E, we all have, we're human. "Why do we fall down Bruce? So we can learn to pick ourselves back up again".  Thomas Wayne.

Know that you're not alone on your journey E, the group is here to hold out a hand, pick you back up and dust you off. Then it will be up to you to continue your journey on the path your on, or take the path to the right to see where that leads you or sit back down where you're at and do nothing. I have a feeling you're going to continue your journey in a very positive way!

Here are a couple of video's to help you along your journey in case you haven't seen them in reading some post or for the new ones to the forums ... .

J

I watch this one every morning with my cup of coffee ... .it can certainly apply for those recovering NONs from a BPD r/s.

"Even the most confident & motivated people will need a helping hand at some point in their life."

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_ZQeMv5PXhg


A friend sent this one to me and I passed it on to a Clinical Therapist who is uses it from time to time in her practice.

"The most important life lesson I've ever learned is this, sometimes people leave and sometimes unexpectedly, take a deep breath, morn the loss and start living again."

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BsIYlgrov3k


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BsIYlgrov3k