I feel like opting out of relationships forever as a result of this experience

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I apologize if this topic is too whiny / "woe is me" but I'm looking for input on how I'm feeling right now from others whom may have had similar thought processes after breaking up with their BPD ex.

I'm ~2.5 months out from the shock discard from my BPD ex gf whom I thought I was going to marry someday and a little over 2 months of full NC. As my thoughts naturally start to shift more towards my view on the world & plans for the future and away from constantly thinking about missing her, I've found myself in a place that scares me a bit. Every weekend I go out on my own, not to meet people but just to force myself to be around others since I've kept myself very isolated over this time. After having been through the pain/trauma/stress that my ex has subjected me to, I find myself having absolutely no desire to interact with members of the opposite sex in any way, shape or form. Beyond that, I almost feel like women are a threat to me at this point and having anything to do with them honestly just scares me.

Now, it's possible that this is just a normal "breakup" thing but I've gone through normal breakups and never had feelings like these before. The gaslighting/manipulation used on me by my BPD ex not only left me in a place of not being ready to be single but seemingly tore away everything that I was working for and thought that I was on the path to achieving. Despite having been through the process of thinking about / documenting the reasons why I don't want to be with this person and having accepted that, I was still (intentionally) left with a perfect image of her. Up until the last time I ever saw her / talked to her before her texting me that she had moved out, everything was "perfect/happy" and there were constant conversations of our future together. Even though my brain now knows who she really is, there's still that attachment to the perfect version of herself that she created for me despite me knowing that this person never existed.

Along with being fearful of ever being involved with someone like this again and thus instantly distrusting women as a defense-mechanism, the worst part is feeling that I'm not even being able to trust myself. I've built a good life for myself, I have a good job, a nice apartment etc., just a very peaceful and calm life and I'm embarrassed that I basically gave the keys to the castle to an incredibly toxic/manipulative/untrustworthy person and allowed them to destroy me form the inside out. At this point, despite the natural human "pair-bonding" instinct of wanting to be in a meaningful relationship with someone, I just don't see myself ever being able to trust someone in this way or trust myself to not be heading down this path with the wrong person again. I truly don't think that my mind/body could handle another experience like this, once in a lifetime was enough and I feel like I will forever be in survival mode, denying myself of things that I want simply to avoid the possibility of ever having to experience this pain again.

Has anyone else felt like this after going through the discard process with your BPD ex? If so, does this ever go away? I suppose the positive of these feelings is that it's keeping me from pursuing relationships when I'm clearly not in a healthy mindset to be doing so but I really don't want this to last forever. It pains me to think that the cruel & heartless actions of one toxic person could have such a profound impact on the rest of my life but the effects of this really do seem to be deep enough for this to happen.

[pjstock42]

I apologize if this topic is too whiny / "woe is me" but I'm looking for input on how I'm feeling right now from others whom may have had similar thought processes after breaking up with their BPD ex.

I'm ~2.5 months out from the shock discard from my BPD ex gf whom I thought I was going to marry someday and a little over 2 months of full NC. As my thoughts naturally start to shift more towards my view on the world & plans for the future and away from constantly thinking about missing her, I've found myself in a place that scares me a bit. Every weekend I go out on my own, not to meet people but just to force myself to be around others since I've kept myself very isolated over this time. After having been through the pain/trauma/stress that my ex has subjected me to, I find myself having absolutely no desire to interact with members of the opposite sex in any way, shape or form. Beyond that, I almost feel like women are a threat to me at this point and having anything to do with them honestly just scares me.

Now, it's possible that this is just a normal "breakup" thing but I've gone through normal breakups and never had feelings like these before. The gaslighting/manipulation used on me by my BPD ex not only left me in a place of not being ready to be single but seemingly tore away everything that I was working for and thought that I was on the path to achieving. Despite having been through the process of thinking about / documenting the reasons why I don't want to be with this person and having accepted that, I was still (intentionally) left with a perfect image of her. Up until the last time I ever saw her / talked to her before her texting me that she had moved out, everything was "perfect/happy" and there were constant conversations of our future together. Even though my brain now knows who she really is, there's still that attachment to the perfect version of herself that she created for me despite me knowing that this person never existed.

Along with being fearful of ever being involved with someone like this again and thus instantly distrusting women as a defense-mechanism, the worst part is feeling that I'm not even being able to trust myself. I've built a good life for myself, I have a good job, a nice apartment etc., just a very peaceful and calm life and I'm embarrassed that I basically gave the keys to the castle to an incredibly toxic/manipulative/untrustworthy person and allowed them to destroy me form the inside out. At this point, despite the natural human "pair-bonding" instinct of wanting to be in a meaningful relationship with someone, I just don't see myself ever being able to trust someone in this way or trust myself to not be heading down this path with the wrong person again. I truly don't think that my mind/body could handle another experience like this, once in a lifetime was enough and I feel like I will forever be in survival mode, denying myself of things that I want simply to avoid the possibility of ever having to experience this pain again.

Has anyone else felt like this after going through the discard process with your BPD ex? If so, does this ever go away? I suppose the positive of these feelings is that it's keeping me from pursuing relationships when I'm clearly not in a healthy mindset to be doing so but I really don't want this to last forever. It pains me to think that the cruel & heartless actions of one toxic person could have such a profound impact on the rest of my life but the effects of this really do seem to be deep enough for this to happen.

[CitizenBell]

It is still early on in your grieving stage.

However, I do feel the same. I don't see how I can trust anybody again when they tell me they love me.

More than that I just don't feel attracted to anybody else now. Girls who I thought were cute before I jut have no interest in now. My BPD came in, made herself the centre of my world, made me see a future and a week after I'm looking for flats to rent she ends it.

I'm left without any long-term goals or future plans because is been so enmeshed with her that she became all I focused on, that future with her.

[once removed]

Has anyone else felt like this after going through the discard process with your BPD ex? If so, does this ever go away?

i definitely felt that way. feeling like you cant trust yourself - theres no other way to put it - is terrifying.

at 2.5 months its also not at all surprising. youre grieving, and this is grief, and there is probably more grieving to be done.

the "does this ever go away" part usually comes afterward, although we can start at any time. it begins with self empowerment. becoming more self aware. learning new tools and skills to take with us to healthier relationships. learning about human nature (ours and others) - not being hyper vigilant, but objectively recognizing warning signs and heeding them. developing strong boundaries. realizing that trust, love, and intimacy are slowly built over time, and putting that into practice. reaping the benefits.

in other words, not over night, and not without work. i wasnt anywhere close to ready to do those things at 2.5 months, i was still a non functioning shell of myself. youre taking real steps and though it may be difficult to see, youre asking smart questions and making great strides. that will serve you well. ive always seen the entire process as something of a leap of faith. trust it. a lot of progress is in retrospect.

I truly don't think that my mind/body could handle another experience like this, once in a lifetime was enough and I feel like I will forever be in survival mode, denying myself of things that I want simply to avoid the possibility of ever having to experience this pain again.

the thing is, you have already survived, and you have survived greater pain than you probably imagined possible before this experience. i felt weak and broken after my breakup. my self esteem and confidence were virtually non existent and i was very hard on myself. at some point it dawned on me that on the contrary, im pretty strong. i survived and i like to think ive gone on to thrive. pain in life and love is inevitable. if we live our lives avoiding it because we are afraid of the pain, it really only serves to create more pain. although i have a better understanding of healthy relationships, i could meet another unhealthy partner. i could even enter into a relationship with one. at this point i have knowledge, tools, and skills that would help me assess the situation and make smarter choices. i could be hurt again, too, by a healthy partner, or even by a friend. i survived that, and ill survive it again. ill have insight into that pain, that i can use, and healthier coping mechanisms that will get me through it. perhaps most importantly, i have a greater capacity to love and be loved.

and by i, i mean you if you have faith and work for it.

im a fan of this chart: www.havoca.org/survivors/

where do you see yourself?

[pjstock42]

Citizen,

I know what you mean. Despite having built a solid life for myself via my career / hobbies, this seems to have been happening in the background while my real future goals were concentrated in plans with this person. When I think about it, almost every single person I've worked with in my career are doing their job to provide for a wife/children, so here I am doing the same thing as them yet with seemingly no purpose. I don't want to feel like this and objectively I can see that it isn't a good thing to think of my only purpose as caring for a wife and children but I think that I subconsciously adopted this notion over time and now it's as if I have no real goals as a result of this.

once removed,

Thank you for your positive words. I know that 2.5 months isn't a long amount of time and I do accept that I'm not going to feel very good about myself for an indeterminate amount of time. This just happened to be the first time that I thought of what could be a permanent effect of this and like I said, that is what scares me.

You are right that I already have survived and when I think about it, my day to day life is already 100x more peaceful than it was even a month ago which I am thankful for. I suppose much of this is just my ego taking such a huge blow in the sense that I thought I was so right about something and ended up being so incredibly wrong about it which is what leads to me not trusting myself.

That chart is interesting, I'd say that I'm a somewhat 50/50 mix of things in columns 1 and 2. Some things in column 1 seem unequivocally true for my current mindset where some things in column 2 resonate as true when I really sit and think about it for a minute. I am committed to working through this, the faith part is what I question sometimes and that's only because I often feel like much of this is out of my control but hopefully I can get over that mindset in time.

[boatman]

Hi PJ,

I'm sorry that you were treated the way you were. I know from experience that it's incredibly painful.

Beyond that, I almost feel like women are a threat to me at this point and having anything to do with them honestly just scares me.

You aren't alone in feeling this way, I feel the same way. I'm at the point where I don't like feeling an attraction to any women because I immediately wonder if they will use my vulnerable feeling against me. Obviously, no one can predict the future, but I know that in this moment I have no intention of dating. In my defense I will say that I've been in four different relationships with girls with BPD traits so I've had more than enough. The idea of a healthy relationship is completely foreign to me.

I feel like I will forever be in survival mode, denying myself of things that I want simply to avoid the possibility of ever having to experience this pain again.

I got chills when I read this because this is an exact description of my life, surviving rather than living.

Has anyone else felt like this after going through the discard process with your BPD ex? If so, does this ever go away?

Obviously I can't speak for everyone but it hasn't changed for me. I sincerely hope it does for you.  

[fromheeltoheal]

Hi pj-

Up until the last time I ever saw her / talked to her before her texting me that she had moved out, everything was "perfect/happy" and there were constant conversations of our future together. Even though my brain now knows who she really is, there's still that attachment to the perfect version of herself that she created for me despite me knowing that this person never existed.

To start, two and a half months still isn't very long, so there's that, although you're doing great, moving through the process.  And as we know, borderlines present a facade, because they have to in order to attach and because they don't have a stable real self of their own, but you've mentioned before that you saw cracks in that facade, maybe in hindsight, and that along with the way we project our positive fantasy of our ex onto them to the point it blocks out what's real, that "perfect/happy" that you mention was what you thought you were in at the time, but were you really?  :)id she create that perfect version of herself by herself, or were you complicit?  I was surely complicit.  

And there's the key to the future life of our dreams.  Now that we've felt the painful consequences of ignoring things that just don't seem right and forging ahead fostering a fantasy in the face of real, probably not a good idea to do that again, hurts too much.  And then boundaries: we not only want to be but demand to be treated a certain way, and not honoring our boundaries is just straight up unacceptable, and if some boundary busting happens, which it's bound to in any relationship, inevitable when two humans become intimate, then there needs to be open, honest communication and resolution, which makes the relationship stronger, or not, in which case what's the point, what do we really have here?

Anyway, I get the vibe, I hated all women for a time, an overcompensation for being really hurt by one, never again, but boundaries that are too strong and rigid is also a prison.  So what's the answer?  Grieve, heal, process, grow, and then take our new and improved selves out into the world, and it does put a strain on potential future mates, they really have to prove themselves, show that they are worthy of our company and affection and will get away with nothing, but just think, if they've got the same mindset and will hold us to a higher standard, isn't any resulting relationship that comes out of that scrutiny better for it?  :)oesn't it have a better chance of being real and lasting?  :)on't know about you, but I've fallen into most of my relationships, wondering how the hell did that happen but here we are, and it's no longer acceptable to leave things to chance like that, we can consciously go out into the world and choose who we want to be with, and our chooser is much more finally tuned now, it's a brand new world, one of our own creation, one day at a time.

[Stripey77]

I think ... .we ALL feel like that, or have done. I most certainly resonate with this.  I know my ex is Bad News due to the 'darkness in his brain' and everything he's put me through. I know he can't be who he was long term.  I know he has tried and failed to be with me more than once.

I know I loved/d him more than anyone or anything ever, in my life. That we were a fantastic match in many ways. That this is a horrible waste. That we connected intellectually and in a way we both recognised we don't have with anyone else.

I know I want to find someone else, be happy, find love again, and give love again. I want to hold hands, feel beautiful and wanted, have sex. Have a best friend and companion. I know it can't be him.

I don't want it to be anyone else.

[rfriesen]

Up until the last time I ever saw her / talked to her before her texting me that she had moved out, everything was "perfect/happy" and there were constant conversations of our future together. 

PJ, I hope this doesn't feel like piling on at all, but I would like to reinforce what FHTH points out -- you've mentioned a number of things that happened that, in hindsight at least, seem to strike you as unacceptable/unhealthy behaviours on the part of your ex. In a recent post, you mentioned that she once asked you to drive her to the train station to go to a "dinner party" and that you couldn't reach her when she said she wanted picked up, that it upset you at the time, but that she wouldn't even listen to what you had to say about it. You've also mentioned that she ended things once during the relationship and that it devastated you, and that she turned cold and even mocked you for crying about it.

Those strike me as extremely hurtful behaviours and things that you should never expect from a loving partner. And if somehow things like that do arise in a relationship, then in an open, honest relationship with real trust, they need to be addressed in a serious way.

I wanted to remind you of these things because you also often mention the "perfect image" you still have of your ex and how perfect everything was right up until the last second. If you block out the red flags and hold onto the image of your relationship with your ex as the ideal, then I think you'll find it hard to move past this stage of fearing relationships, because you're basically telling yourself that you want the same thing over again, just without the pain. And you're wondering how you'll know whether you're in a healthy relationship, since you had "no warning signs" with your ex. Except that you did have warning signs. It's important to see how the idealisation and the highs you experienced are connected with the red flags.

All that said, I also want to underline what others have noted --- you're still only 2.5 months out and you've got terrific determination and self-awareness, and yes this is I believe a common stage of recovery, when the thought of a new relationship is on the horizon but still causes tremendous anxiety. Remember - time is on your side. There's no rush here. You're in your 20s and only a couple of months removed from an incredibly hurtful experience. Part of your mind is trying to hold onto its previous idea of what a "perfect" relationship looks like, while another part is maybe trying to encourage you to rethink what a healthy relationship looks like. It's not an easy adjustment. You might have to let go of some of the fantasies of a perfect relationship that we tend to grow up with and learn to appreciate the depth of a relationship that takes time to open lines of communication and trust.

Just my few cents -- and always remember how far you've come in just a couple of months and not to put pressure on yourself to go too fast!

[pjstock42]

rfriesen,

Thank you for mentioning that stuff, I definitely have an issue with over-idealizing her in looking past those things that happened and I'm not sure why I constantly fall back into that line of thinking. I suppose that part of the reasoning for this is that I have lots of experiences in other long term relationships and I'm used to problems happening that get worked out and moving past things together. Even though this never really happened and these things were more so just swept under the rug, I guess it FELT like it happened since we both were acting as if everything was great. Having been in a very long relationship where things slowly started to degrade, the breakup was still painful but at least had some context behind it as we had started to act differently around each other and noticeably drifted apart.

Despite those instances that you mentioned, I suppose what confused me is how quickly she was able to jump back into pretending that everything was perfect, acting happy all of the time, constantly telling me she loved me etc. I definitely played a part in it because I didn't force the issue enough with those occurrences, I did try to talk to her about these things but she would just shut down & avoid getting to the root of the problem and I allowed her to do this by playing along and buying into the notion that things were great again. Going back to ego again, I think that this being the first time I had ever made the commitment to live with someone had an effect on this as well. I felt as though that because I had taken this huge step with someone, there was no way that it could go wrong because I would look like an idiot for so deeply involving myself in something that failed, if that makes sense. I think the first discard attempt and subsequent signs of disrespect towards me were easily swept under the rug because my pride/ego couldn't even fathom this situation not working out because I had invested so much of myself into it.

I agree that I need to let go of some of my own fantasies about what a relationship should be which pains me a bit because the only real ideals that I have for a relationship are mutual trust and open communication which you wouldn't think to be overly-unrealistic although I've now learned that these things are actually very difficult to accomplish with another person. I honestly don't know what would be worse, never being with someone again and just neglecting all relationships or meeting someone who seemed really into me and not being able to accept it because I would constantly be wondering how they were going to manipulate me / use me / screw me over.

heel,

It's funny you mention "falling into relationships" because that's exactly what's happened to me. Between the ages of 19-28 I had maybe 2/3 days in that entire time where I wasn't either in a relationship or already pursuing one. The first one was college and kind of just happened, the second was part of the same friend group and also just happened and this latest one, well she was the one to pursue me and all I really had to do was show up. The things with this last one was that I definitely wanted it, I felt so good about myself that this attractive and well-educated woman was so into me and it very quickly became a "perfect" scenario for me. I would love to be in a place where I could choose who I want to be associated with in the realm of relationships but the reality is that I chose this last one and look where it led me, which leads me to being fearful of my own ability to choose these kinds of things which is very self-defeating. Ideally, this experience will help me to make better choices in regards to this aspect of life and I suppose that to fully actualize this benefit, I also need to get back to a place where I can trust myself to choose people who are good for me.

[fromheeltoheal]

this latest one, well she was the one to pursue me and all I really had to do was show up. The things with this last one was that I definitely wanted it, I felt so good about myself that this attractive and well-educated woman was so into me and it very quickly became a "perfect" scenario for me.

Of course it did, since as we now know, a borderline needs to attach and will mirror to affect that attachment, and you were her knight in shining armor initially, that perfect fantasy that would finally make all the pain go away, until you weren't.  And there's a potential piece of valuable info for the future: women pursuing men is the exception, not the norm, and if a woman is pursuing us with gusto in the future, it's a very valid question to ask why?  What's up with this gal?  And having her prove herself and her motives, and us ours, is absolutely appropriate before we jump into anything.

I would love to be in a place where I could choose who I want to be associated with in the realm of relationships but the reality is that I chose this last one and look where it led me, which leads me to being fearful of my own ability to choose these kinds of things which is very self-defeating. Ideally, this experience will help me to make better choices in regards to this aspect of life and I suppose that to fully actualize this benefit, I also need to get back to a place where I can trust myself to choose people who are good for me.

Based on what you said you didn't choose any of your previous relationships, they either just happened or you were chosen and agreed, is that right?  So it's not really a matter of getting back to choosing, it's learning to choose, and we've got plenty of motivation now, since we've felt the pain of "falling into" something that isn't good for us, yes?

[bestintentions]

An insightful thread... .

PJ - I'm roughly the same distance out from the discard as you... .albeit mine came "without warning" after 25 years together.  Looking back, there were multiple obvious signs that I didn't know I was ignoring to the point that I was, but now they are painfully, painfully clear.  I, too, am guilty of idealizing her post-breakup and my rational mind KNOWS that this is ridiculous based on the things she has done and said to me.  As FHTH brilliantly pointed out, I also now know that I was projecting my fantasies of who I thought she was on to her and that's been incredibly difficult to accept.  It also doesn't make it any easier to break the physical addiction, though, and time and diligent work appear to be the only answers to that riddle.

Know that you're not the only one who's afraid to give themselves up ever again.  On top of that... .I'm 46 and anyone my age (whether it's me or a future dating prospect) is going to be bringing baggage along for the ride.  As my good friend says, "This is the best learning experience you never wanted to have."  I'm giving myself until next year to see where I'm at with healing... .

Good luck,

bi

[petedrexler]

Has anyone else felt like this after going through the discard process with your BPD ex? If so, does this ever go away? I suppose the positive of these feelings is that it's keeping me from pursuing relationships when I'm clearly not in a healthy mindset to be doing so but I really don't want this to last forever. It pains me to think that the cruel & heartless actions of one toxic person could have such a profound impact on the rest of my life but the effects of this really do seem to be deep enough for this to happen.

I really appreciated your post, PJ. Yes, I feel the same way, and we are on similar paths. I've been out just over two months (and NC), and I have good days and bad days (more good days at this point!). But take today, for example: I woke up feeling great. I saw a shirt she gave me and BAM, feeling bad. Your post helped me though, and that's the miracle of a community like this. The best gift I've been given is to realize I'm not alone. I have felt foolish for allowing this to happen but I see from other posts that very smart and successful people get caught in the BPD trap too (my therapist uses the analogy of the spider and the fly). Anyway, I just wanted to say I identify with you.

[rfriesen]

I'm used to problems happening that get worked out and moving past things together. Even though this never really happened and these things were more so just swept under the rug, I guess it FELT like it happened since we both were acting as if everything was great.
... .
I suppose what confused me is how quickly she was able to jump back into pretending that everything was perfect, acting happy all of the time, constantly telling me she loved me etc.

I could not have better expressed how it went in my relationship as well. The idealisation and the intense highs we shared - and that we could always quickly jump back into - made it feel as though the good was so good that we would just steamroll any speed bumps that came up. I actually felt like we were often mature for summarily (in hindsight) acknowledging a serious issue and then going right back to our giggling, dancing, loving selves. Looking back on it now, it's as if on some level my mind thought, "Who needs to be weighed down with mundane, heavy things like building real trust and accountability, when you have love like this!"

I definitely played a part in it because I didn't force the issue enough with those occurrences, I did try to talk to her about these things but she would just shut down & avoid getting to the root of the problem and I allowed her to do this by playing along and buying into the notion that things were great again.

Another perfect description of things I did with my ex too. These are great insights. Digesting them can be really painful. For months after my final break-up with my ex, my mind was still flipping back and forth between the "perfect image" I still had of her and the "cruel/evil image". That feeling of being pulled one way and then the other ... .often left me physically uncomfortable and even ill. I suppose it was a form of depression -- my chest would often feel heavy, I'd feel disconnected from others and my work, wouldn't have the same interest in things as before.

All of that fades with time. I have a much more balanced view of my ex now. I still have moments of idealisation and of painting black, but I can see her much more easily as the individual person she is, who happens to engage in recognisable, destructive patterns of behaviour. All of which still leaves me sad, but at least I feel I have a more reasonable and less overpowering (in both good and bad ways) image of her.

Digesting what we've learned can be physically painful. Certainly emotionally painful. Trust me, PJ, you'll get to a better place, as you've been seeing already, I think. Once you've processed the good and the bad of your relationship more fully, I have no doubt you'll come out much more confident about your ability to recognise and deal with issues relating to mutual trust and open communication, and you'll find it easier to emphasise those aspects of relationships that you truly care about, over the idealisation and ego-validation that you describe in reflecting on your last relationship.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey pj, It can be dangerous to allow a pwBPD to control how we view ourselves and our future relationships, in my view, because those w/BPD are coming from a dark and toxic place.  Suggest you not buy into that reality any longer.  Cut yourself some slack.  When the time is right, you may find, as I have, that there are kind and considerate people out there who will appreciate you for who you are, so don't give up the ship.

LuckyJim

[pjstock42]

Hey pj, It can be dangerous to allow a pwBPD to control how we view ourselves and our future relationships, in my view, because those w/BPD are coming from a dark and toxic place.  Suggest you not buy into that reality any longer.  Cut yourself some slack.  When the time is right, you may find, as I have, that there are kind and considerate people out there who will appreciate you for who you are, so don't give up the ship.

LuckyJim

I definitely see what you are saying but I'm having difficulty drawing the line between the toxicity that she infected me with vs just my simple poor decision making to ever become involved with her and that is what leads to not being able to trust myself. Not being able to trust myself has nothing to do with the pwBPD in my opinion, it's just a very black and white example of how I made a bad choice in my life that led to pain/grief/suffering etc. and I don't want to have to face those things again.

Every woman that I encounter in public now, I don't speak to them, I don't make eye contact with them, I basically don't acknowledge their existence. if you've worked with rescue animals before, you know there are some dogs/cats that have a fear/aversion to a certain gender because of abuse in their past - that is what I feel like. I'm not saying that the entire female gender is capable or would ever do what my BPD ex did, I'm more just protecting myself because I don't have enough confidence in my own decision making process to not fall for the same game again. Outside of normal biological desires that I don't need to really explain, I truly don't see women having anything to offer me anymore and I feel as though my life will be much less stressful if I give up the pursuit of that aforementioned thing and whatever else I have been looking for. Having gone through this process largely on my own (outside of support from people here) I have become accustomed to solitude / being alone. My life has started entering in to a very calm and tranquil place and unfortunately, inviting a woman into this environment of serenity just seems like an incredibly bad gamble to take at this point.

[bestintentions]

PJ - what I basically hear you saying is that you're not ready for another relationship yet, and that's perfectly fine.  We need to be OK with ourselves first... .give yourself more time. 

[rfriesen]

My life has started entering in to a very calm and tranquil place and unfortunately, inviting a woman into this environment of serenity just seems like an incredibly bad gamble to take at this point.

PJ, as bestintentions notes, you seem pretty clear on the fact that you're not ready for another relationship and that's perfectly fine. Three months single is not a very long time. I know that's an opinion that varies a lot from person to person -- but, for what it's worth, I was stunned when my ex told me she had never been single more than a few days in her life. I know you've mentioned something similar.

I've been in longterm relationships that have stretched for several years and I've also been single for more than a year at a time. And I can say that I don't regret any of the time I spent single. I would say I've often drawn on those times, and the sense of being my own person that they gave me, to help me through the sometimes excruciating mess of emotions that came in the wake of this last relationship.

Just remember - there's no need to come to any grand conclusions at this point, or ever in life, really. No need to make up your mind once and for all about anything   That can be frustrating, if you think of it as never knowing what you want. But liberating if you trust yourself to change for the better. Right now you don't want a relationship. It's great that you know that so clearly, in terms of what you want now. Check back in with yourself after a while, maybe a few months down the line.

[Lucky Jim]

Hello again, pj, As I said, suggest you cut yourself some slack.  Who knew?  I had never heard of BPD until nine years into my marriage.  Most on this site were probably just as clueless going into their BPD relationships.  So don't beat yourself up.  We're human, which is a good thing.  You learn.  I doubt you will ever make the same mistake again, so don't see the need for worry.  Just be yourself.  When the time is right to date others, you'll know it.  There's no particular timetable, so be patient with yourself.  I enjoy the freedom from drama, too, and continue to do so even though I'm in a new, healthier r/s, which proves that it is possible to emerge from the toxic BPD soup.

LuckyJim

[boatman]

Hi PJ,

I'm sure I'll get some flack for saying this, but there is nothing wrong with how you feel. And if you never have another relationship there will be nothing wrong with that either. Like I said before, I hope the pain from your breakup dissipates, and any feelings of hopelessness go away, but if you're gut is telling you that dating is dangerous, believe it.

I think the worst pain we feel as humans comes from resisting what is. For example, the greatest thing a therapist ever told me was that my parents (both have BPD/NPD traits) aren't attached to me. I was livid in the moment but I came to realize that she was right. It wasn't until I accepted this that I was able to begin to heal and get out of the emotional loop I was stuck in with my parents.

There is plenty of evidence on these boards that corroborates your feeling, plenty of evidence out in the world, but the most important evidence is your own experience and your intuition. Trust in it.