Bpd daughter update

[Bpd mother]

About 6 months ago my adult daughter was diagnosed with Bpd and she decided it was all my fault and cut myself and my husband out of her life. The last 6 months have been the most painful of my life.

We live close by and I have seen her in town 4 times during that 6 months. The first and second time I waved to her but she blanked me and turned away. The third time we were walking towards each other and I stopped and said hello and we talked for a few minutes and then walked on.

Last week I saw her again. The good news is that we talked for about 10 minutes and I walked along with her for a little while. The bad news is her appearance. She is /was a very pretty girl with long dark brown wavy hair . Now her hair is peroxide blonde. Her ears are covered in piercings , she also has piercings in her nose and lip. Her arms and one of her legs are covered in tattoos . In fact she looked like a poster girl for someone with mental health problems

We live in a conservative area and I know she will be judged and I worry it will affect the children and their friendships. I know there is nothing I can do and I would welcome her back tattoos and all. I managed to bite my tongue hard and did not mention them, but saying something positive about them was beyond me.

Sorry for rambling but I just wanted to get it off my chest and there is no one else I can talk to about this.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[livednlearned]

Hi Bpd mother,

It does sound like she is letting you back into her life bit by bit. Is that how it feels to you?

Is this the first time she has had a drastic change in appearance?

[Bpd mother]

Thanks for replying. I don't think she will let us into her life any time soon but it gives me a little hope that maybe very slowly it could happen in the future.

When she was a teenager and going through a bad time she had several piercings and two tattoos. As she improved mentally she removed the piercings and always kept the tattoos covered. The recent tattoos are much bigger and I think show how stressed she is feeling. She is 36 but seems to have regressed back to how she was as a teenager.
The hair does not worry me as much as that can be grown out but tattoos are permanent and give the impression that she is tough and confident whereas I know she is vulnerable and hurting inside.

[livednlearned]

What you describe reminds me of the woman who wrote Buddha and the Borderline. She talks about having different "selves," or schemas, and that they each represent a way she interfaces with the world. In therapy, she tries to learn to not let the self-destructive personas drive her decision-making, though she acknowledges that these different selves exist.

Unfortunately, tattoos exist no matter who is driving 

[Huat]

Hi Bpd Mother:
I live in a small community and when our daughter last decided to cut us out of her life there were times when we would bump into each other.  I would acknowledge her, call her name, she would turn and walk away.  My heart would break.  I would fight tears.  Thank God it happened one day when I was with a friend.  Her actions were witnessed and, as much as the rejection hurt, I had been validated.  My friend was shocked that this could happen.

This episode with her lasted about 4 years (by far the longest).  The rug was pulled out from us on a Christmas Eve... .the presents under our tree for her and her family never claimed.  For the first half of the estrangement I would cry and cry and cry.  I even woke in the middle of the night to cry.  Not only had she cut us out of her life, she had also persuaded our 2 precious grandchildren (well... .not "children" at that point but 24 and 26)... .of whom we had been surrogate parents... .that they had to take sides.  She played her trump card well.  Those 2 precious grandchildren, by the way, have been programmed to reject each of their different fathers and all in those families.  I am sad for them and their future.

Grief takes time and work to get over... .and you are grieving.  This rejection from the child you bore is like a death... .the death of the life you envisioned.   I am sad to say I even thought of suicide a few times, the hurt was so intense.  Thankfully that didn't happen and thankfully, too, I was finally able to look into the mirror and say to myself, "No more!  You will not be a victim!"   With a couple of visits to a counsellor (and a lot of "self-hugs", I was gradually able to look at life and accept what is... .IS!  That is not to say the sadness is completely gone, but it does not shade my life.

You, Bpd Mother, are the one who has to change.  Your daughter has learned over the years what to do to push your buttons.  Now, if you move those buttons... .or even remove them... .you catch her off-guard and she has to re-focus.  The tools are here for you... .and so is the support.  Be confident in knowing you did the best you could and when you knew better... .you did better... .and will continue to do so.

Hugs to you, fellow Mom!  

[Bpd mother]

Thank you for replying and sharing Huat. It helps a lot to know others have experienced this pain and survived.

[Rockieplace]

 Hi there. I have been taking some time out to regroup but have been reading the posts on here and empathising from a distance!  Your experience is very similar to mine with regard to altering appearance. I no longer recognise the beautiful daughter I saw growing up into a beautiful woman. My daughter had (and presumably still has) stunning white blonde hair. Very unusually it stayed blonde and when she went off to university it was still as naturally blonde as when she was a child. Her serious problems seemed to begin at uni where she now admits she smoked a lot of weed and I'm not sure what else.  We became very concerned about her  and on one visit we were surprised to see her with jet black hair and wearing brown contact lenses. Her eyes are blue. She said all her friends said she looked much better darker. The tattooing started there too. Now, at 34 she is still jet blacked haired and covered in tattoos. I have just about learnt to hold my tongue. She has 'borrowed' money from us on the pretext of needing it for rent and essentials and turned up with breast implants, other cosmetic surgery more tattoos, piercings etc. We have learnt some hard lessons about lending money. So... .BPD mother I really feel for you. I feel like my d too has created another persona for herself to sort of hide behind. It's so complicated isn't it. At least, as you say, the hair colour can be changed. My d is now in a residential therapeutic care facility particularly focused on BPD so maybe she will learn to deal with things differently but the tattoos are there for good unfortunately.   

[klw]

  What you have said about your daughters drastically altered appearance,  is exactly what's going on with my 21 year old daughter. Like you, I'm so shocked by the change. Over the past 18 months she has had both arms fully tattooed ( sleeves). I haven't seen her for over 8 months now (she had completely cut contact with her 15 year old brother and myself ),  so she very well may have even more tattoos. She's a very attractive girl who prior to all this, always had her hair/make-up/nails immaculately done. She took great pride in her appearance. Not any more though. It's heartbreaking to see the change in her. She's also put on alot of weight and friends that have seen her at the shops etc have told me her hair is just put up in a messy, unbrushed bun and she's often not even wearing shoes.  She ignores any attempts I make in trying to contact her. She lives 20 minutes away with her much, much older partner who is a divorced alcoholic and who I firmly believe is at least partially responsible for my daughter cutting us out of her life. I can only hope that one day she may initiative contact again.  My thoughts are with you 

[Bpd mother]

Thank you Rockieplace and Klw for sharing

I am sorry that both of you are experiencing the same thing with your daughters.
I feel they are trying to hide behind a mask because they don't like who they are.
Or I wonder whether it is a form of self harm.

I think my daughter gets a tempory high from a new tattoo that lasts a short while and then wants another one.

I am feeling low at the moment and sometimes cannot visit the forum as I struggle to cope but I wish everyone well and include everyone in my prayers each night.