First time here - how to not take it personal

[dmu020203]

Hi everyone, I'm new here and have been lurking a bit on several message boards.  This one indeed looks promising.

My introduction: I've been with my husband for 5 years, married for 3.  We didn't learn about BPD until a couple months ago, after a very tumultuous 8 months or so.  A very long story short, he's always been the jealous type and untrusting, which I didn't realize until several months after we'd moved in together. He was quick to anger, constantly made assuming statements and quick to make decisions based on incorrect assumptions, not just with me but also with our children (blended family, no children together).  It was like I didn't know which man would walk through the door each night or what might set him off.  So I'd been walking on eggshells for years without recognizing that it wasn't the normal way to live. He's always been a black/white thinker, which I now recognize.

The bizarre scenario unfolded around March of this year when he accused me of not only being unfaithful, but of having an affair with his son (my step-son) who was 16 at the time.  (he has since kicked his son out to go back to live in another state with his mother, treats his son terribly verbally and has such contempt for the poor kid all because he believes his delusions)  He said he thought it had been going on for months.  His many accusations of this nature were blowup interrogations, finger pointing, stealing my phone to try to "uncover the truth", accusing me of working late on purpose to be with someone else, constant anger and irrational talk. 

Upon hearing the accusations the first time I was so floored that I couldn't even comprehend how in the world he could think that of me, that I am even capable of such immoral behavior.  I was totally blown away.  I've never cheated, don't have any male friends, have not been emotionally, physically, or in any way unfaithful.  I'm a homebody, worked from home for several years, and when I took a job outside the house with varying hours, he was constantly accusing me of purposely staying late to be with someone else.  We didn't have the greatest marriage, but I would never do any such thing.  He agreed to go to counseling again with the same therapist he saw several years before when he was having jealous rages while we were living together.   He shared his beliefs with our best friends, another couple who we're both very close with, who essentially told him he was crazy.  They tried to help him reason through his irrational beliefs and assumptions to no avail.  He was (and still is) absolutely convinced that I cheated and did all these terrible things.

Fast forwarding... .I agreed to take a polygraph test as a way to prove I didn't do any of these terrible things.  I told him when I pass he would have to see a psychiatrist to deal with these delusions.  That happened in July.  I passed.  He began seeing a psychiatrist.  The doctor suggested PTSD as the cause, which fit with his abandonment and trust issues, and put him on Zoloft.  That seemed to intensify his anxiety and suspicions, so the medicine was changed to Seroquel.  He hates how the medicine makes him feel, but despite many threats to stop the meds he has continued taking them.  Even on the medicine we have problems, he continues to be suspicious of things that are so benign I can't even begin to try to circumvent or avoid. 

He's absolutely resolute in his beliefs of my constant infidelity.  He has said several times he thinks I either cheated with the polygraph tester in order to pass, or did something to cheat the test.  Reasoning with him is simply impossible, I've finally learned, which leaves me feeling hopeless and helpless much of the time.

Throughout all of this I have changed my behaviors to think of his possible reactions first, in hopes to not trigger another "crisis" as I've come to see them.  One example: I work from home so I'm home all day.  We have a security alarm system at home and I learned that he was checking to see the door opening activity.  I didn't realize that letting the dog out to pee, going out to have a smoke, get the mail, or something from the freezer was making him think I was having someone come over while he's at work.  In going about any normal activity I was constantly accused of being unfaithful, at the time not knowing what was setting him off.  So, to help him not feel insecure, after he began the medicine and I was starting to learn more about some of his triggers, I did everything possible to not have to let the dog out, made sure I had everything in the house from the garage, and stopped smoking in the middle of the day.  There, problem solved with the doors opening and closing, right?  Even then he suggested that I somehow tampered with the system to not show all the activity. 

There are so many other things I can share, but this post is already much longer than I'd intended.  I'm very eager to learn some coping mechanisms, try to reduce my own levels of anxiety when I see him shifting into "his mood" (Xanex doesn't always do the trick and I'd ideally love to not need it at all), and very importantly learn how to not take his accusations personally.  It is so hard to get back on track emotionally and intimately after a "crisis" where he's accusing and refuses to hear and accept the truth.  I am not looking at all to leave my marriage.  I do love him, have no desire to be with anyone else, but I so want our relationship to be in a much better place.  We have had periods of enjoyment in the past few months, which is a huge improvement, but the fact that he still believes these terrible things of me is so hurtful that sometimes I can't seem to pack those hurt feelings away and be Mrs. Cheerful.

Help, suggestions, observations, and further discussion would be much appreciated.  Thank you for taking the time to read a small excerpt of my story.

~D

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[VitaminC]

Hi dmu,

You are welcome here. I'm glad you found us and am sure you will find that other members will understand your issues, have had many similar experiences, and can offer what they've learned to you.  Just writing it out can be helpful too.

That level of ungrounded and irrational distrust and paranoia is, I am afraid, common enough with this disorder. Since your husband is now in therapy, but does not appear to have got an official diagnosis of BPD (yet?), I assume you found us by looking at his symptoms yourself. The scenario you've describe fits, in any event.

Your own reaction to it - adapting and curtailing behaviours and showing great forbearance is obviously wearing on you as well. No more polygraph tests, dmu   As you've seen, no proof will be sufficient.

There are things you can do to improve the situation. The first one is to do a bit of reading and learn more about the disorder and also how you can play a slightly different role in the relationship dynamic.

A book that is often recommended is Stop Walking on Eggshells. You can read more about it here:https://bpdfamily.com/book-reviews/stop-walking-on-eggshells

In addition, please have a look through some of the Lessons in the panel on the right here ---> starting with "Understanding your partner's behaviours" : https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=56206.msg913187#msg913187

How are your other relationships with friends and family? Have you a support network? How are the other children in your household and your and your husband's relationships with them? How old are they?

Keep posting, we're here for you.

[dmu020203]

Thanks for the welcome VitaminC!

As far as the diagnosis, my husband did some research on the medicine, found that it was often used for BPD, did a self-assessment and found he had all but maybe 3 symptoms, asked the psychiatrist who agreed with BPD as the likely cause.  So I guess we do have somewhat of an official diagnosis as both psychiatrist and therapist seem to be on this page.  I do wish my husband was more open to seeking ways, with the therapist, to deal with his thought process, like through talk therapy, or something like that.  Instead, at this time my husband's stance is the medicine is supposed to be the only answer.  Now, the medicine has helped in that his reactions are less raging, he doesn't instantly react quickly, and he does share what's bothering him more calmly.  So I truly do count that as a huge win.  But I am hoping there is more.  For example, last night as he was having an issue after we had some time alone, I just kept praying that God would at least plant a seed of doubt in what was going through his mind, to somehow lay breadcrumbs to the truth.  That has been my prayer for quite some time.

I have read Stop Walking on Eggshells and do try to implement many of the suggestions.  I'm trying very hard to see where my husband's thoughts and emotional experiences are coming from, and I admit because of the hurtful nature of the very damaging accusations he's made, sometimes it's hard for me to even wrap my head around how someone can think so irrationally.  Some days I do better than others.  His accusations have caused so much damage, to the extent that of course Child Services opened an investigation, where they found nothing; a criminal case was investigated and to my knowledge nothing's happened with it as I haven't heard anything more about it, and of course my step-son told the investigators the truth as well.  Then there is the loss of his relationship with his son.  He's so quick to kick his kids to the curb, so to speak.  So much pain has been experienced over these delusions.

He brought two other children into the marriage, a 17 yr old and an 8 yr old.  I have a 13 yr old.  The older of the two have experienced his seemingly random short fuse, baseless accusations, and harsh tones and punishments.  The 8 yr old is only with us every other weekend, and during those times he is usually quite disengaged with the child, so I do most of the parenting and playing with him to make him feel loved and important. 

My family is aware of the situation, though they all live over 12 hours away.  It isn't something we talk about frequently, and I probably don't share as much with them because they simply can't help, nor understand, and I hate for them to worry.  The couple who are our common dear friends I mentioned in my earlier post are very supportive of us both.  They listen to me when I need to vent, have tried to guide my husband back along the path of clear thinking, but have ultimately accepted that they can't really help him in that aspect.  So we remain great friends, playing cards when we can, trying to do normal things together.  So they are my sounding board, but they too have a very difficult time understanding where any of this could make any sense to anyone. 

My husband is has good days and bad days, like we all do.  I try to not fuel the bad days as best as I can by trying to read the situation.  The fact that these delusions are so real for him, and he has no capacity at this time to see reality in any real way, makes it difficult for me to foresee what could possibly set him off.  Nearly anything he perceives, things out of my control, can send him into crisis mode.  When he has in his head these awful things he actually accuses me of my body being "different" during intimacy.  The accusations are unbearable at times.  I truly am at a loss in these moments when he is convinced and absolutely nothing is different about me in any way, shape or form, yet he wants to hear nothing of it. Apparently denial makes me guilty in his eyes.  It just makes no sense - and clearly I need to stop trying to make it make sense in order for me to understand.  But I truly have no idea what to do in these types of situations.

So, as far as support, it really is minimal.  On top of the "unknown" always looming (i.e., how's he going to be tonight?), I'm being pressured by my family doctor to limit Xanax to like 10 per month.  I'd love to!  But my daily life is always so full of the anxiety, nearly paralyzing at times because of the hopelessness of being able to impact the situation.  So more stresses there.  Trying to even get a medical doctor to understand what I go through daily trying to make this marriage work hasn't proven very helpful so far.

I will definitely check out the Lessons you referenced, and keep reading on the message boards.  I don't like how my natural reaction his accusations, distrust, always looking for evidence to prove his beliefs accurate, and all that goes with it - my natural tendency is to want to withdraw emotionally, stay to myself.  After all, talking about it does no good, he ends up trying to convince me he's right, chastises me for disagreeing and standing by the truth.  Coming back together, finding smiles for each other is so hard, though I try to be purposeful in letting the hurt roll off my back, I know I'm not nearly as good as it as I clearly need to be in order for peace to reign. 

Thanks again for your suggestions and insights.  I look forward to more input from you and others, and I will definitely keep reading! 

~D

[VitaminC]

Thanks for the welcome VitaminC!

As far as the diagnosis, my husband did some research on the medicine, found that it was often used for BPD, did a self-assessment and found he had all but maybe 3 symptoms, asked the psychiatrist who agreed with BPD as the likely cause.  So I guess we do have somewhat of an official diagnosis as both psychiatrist and therapist seem to be on this page.

Ok, that's something! I am not sure of the stats, but the majority of our membership is partnered with people who do not have an official diagnosis and often wonder (and worry about) what difference it might make if their partner were actually aware that there is a condition - a set of symptoms - that actually helps to shed some light on how they are in the world.

Here's a link to some information on therapies related to BPD: https://bpdfamily.com/content/psychotherapy-and-therapeutic-drugs

I do wish my husband was more open to seeking ways, with the therapist, to deal with his thought process, like through talk therapy, or something like that.  Instead, at this time my husband's stance is the medicine is supposed to be the only answer.  Now, the medicine has helped in that his reactions are less raging, he doesn't instantly react quickly, and he does share what's bothering him more calmly.  So I truly do count that as a huge win.  But I am hoping there is more.

I am not sure what to say to you here. I am sure other members will chime in, though. So I'll just highlight it like this, by quoting, if that's ok. 
 

I have read Stop Walking on Eggshells and do try to implement many of the suggestions.  I'm trying very hard to see where my husband's thoughts and emotional experiences are coming from, and I admit because of the hurtful nature of the very damaging accusations he's made, sometimes it's hard for me to even wrap my head around how someone can think so irrationally.  Some days I do better than others. 

Of course! It sounds like you're not only working very very hard, but also really making a difference. Make sure you give yourself a loving squeeze, dmu, for being calm and wise in a really trying situation. You've gone through a lot.

Then there is the loss of his relationship with his son.  He's so quick to kick his kids to the curb, so to speak.  So much pain has been experienced over these delusions.

Yes, and that is the tragedy - these are delusions.

The accusations are unbearable at times.  I truly am at a loss in these moments when he is convinced and absolutely nothing is different about me in any way, shape or form, yet he wants to hear nothing of it. Apparently denial makes me guilty in his eyes.  It just makes no sense - and clearly I need to stop trying to make it make sense in order for me to understand.  But I truly have no idea what to do in these types of situations.

That's hard. Have you read about JADE - Justify, Argue, Defend, Explain - and not
doing these things? They don't work when caught in an irrational argument. Have a look here: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=139972.20

So we remain great friends, playing cards when we can, trying to do normal things together.  So they are my sounding board, but they too have a very difficult time understanding where any of this could make any sense to anyone.

and

My husband is has good days and bad days, like we all do.  I try to not fuel the bad days as best as I can by trying to read the situation.  The fact that these delusions are so real for him, and he has no capacity at this time to see reality in any real way, makes it difficult for me to foresee what could possibly set him off. 

It's great that you have friends, who are friends to both you and your husband. Trying to keep some normalcy is exactly the right thing to do.  You are dealing with a mentally ill individual, that's the long and the short of it.  The unpredictability is what leads to you being constantly on alert, which is exhausting. If, at the moment, you are relying on Xanax, I wonder if you've tried or considered therapy for yourself and possibly other ways to manage your own stress and anxiety? I know it can seem like a band-aid when the wound is open and gushing blood, but yoga, meditation, or even simple, but focused, walking in nature can be very powerful ways to manage stress-related issues in ourselves. Have you tried anything like that?

[storagecold]

First off, DMU, welcome. You are among many friends. I have been in a relationship with uBPD wife for more than 10 years, and understand what you are going through.

I'm pretty proud to say that I've never cheated in any relationship, but by uBPDw I have been accused of having affairs with women, men (I'm straight) and members of my own family, and so much more even more horrible than can be imagined. There is no explanation that will suffice for W ever, but what has helped over the last few years is technology. There are times I've been at work or working on the road where uBPDw has called me, in a rage, demanding to know "who I'm with." What used to create a huge argument is now easily solved by just calling her on Skype of Facetime on my phone. Typically it's pretty easy for her to see that I'm not in bed with a hooker and she hangs up immediately, never to speak of it again. I could go on and on about the lunacy of it all, but you already know.

This site has some wonderful lessons and ways to cope and protect yourself. Read about them and practice. They do help.

[Philingood2]

"So I'd been walking on eggshells for years without recognizing that it wasn't the normal way to live. He's always been a black/white thinker, which I now recognize... .Upon hearing the accusations the first time I was so floored that I couldn't even comprehend how in the world he could think that of me, that I am even capable of such immoral behavior... .We have had periods of enjoyment in the past few months, which is a huge improvement, but the fact that he still believes these terrible things of me is so hurtful that sometimes I can't seem to pack those hurt feelings away and be Mrs. Cheerful."
[/quote]

Thanks for sharing your experiences. I'm fairly new to the sight also, and can identify with so much of what you said. 1) It sounds like you've been putting some serious work into increasing your knowledge about BPD and the dynamics of your relationship. I know that it isn't easy to think rationally, let alone learn, while worrying about the next blow up. 2) One of the things I had to start wrestling with (and continue to do so) is why I was vulnerable to this sort of relationship in the first place. As it turns out, I'm co-dependent from being raised in an alcoholic and dysfunctional home, childhood abuse, and due to being naturally empathetic. In other words, I was the perfect target and didn't recognize the warning signs because dysfunction was somewhat "normal". I've learned that as I deal with my own issues (shame, abandonment, rescuing tendencies, etc.) and begin to honor my own thoughts, feelings, etc. (which includes validating myself), the less the accusations sting. 3) As I am coming to terms with the fact that I have a right to my own thoughts and feelings, I am also better at recognizing that others have the same right (even about me). When my uBPD wife says wild things about me, I can say "I know I've let you down a lot and it isn't easy for you," and actually mean it. Because that's her reality, but I don't have to let it shape mine. Anyway, I hope this is helpful. Good luck on your journey.

[Lockjaw]

I always feel that if a person is constantly accusing you of cheating, they are projecting their cheating on you to keep you from catching them doing it.