Latest messed up conversation

[Pipedreamer25]

Hey Everyone,

I feel like I'm fast becoming a burden on this site.  I don't mean for it to be this way I just really need some insight.  And I really do appreciate that there are people who know what I'm going through.  dBPDbf is one of his unbearable states.  If we weren't living together and he had other options I just wouldn't see him for a while but he is with me and jobless and homeless and too anxious to go to any friends so I just don't know what to do.  I wonder if it's okay to share bits of our latest im conversation to show what's it's been like recently.  Feedback would really be appreciated.   This just came out of nowwhere when he was discussing an appointment.

Him

and I'm just going to keep eating and eating cause I can't drink anymre

it's never going to end

I'm never going to be thin again and I deserve everything that happens to me and my head is broken cause I did too many drugs and I hate hate hatehatehatemyself

and no doctor has ever or will ever help me cause I'm just like this

I CAN'T TAKE FEELING LIKE THIS ANYMORE

god I want a drink

it would make it all better



Me

you know that I'd always talk about it with you first love

Him

I could go outside

Me

love, last time you drank you didn't stop and it was scary for me


Him

I KNOW hence why I'm not drinking but I want too

you don't understand how much I need it

it's been this way since I was 16

my head feels liker it's ripping into a million pieces and all of them are eating my veins

GOD IM SO hitING FAT

I threw up when I saw myself in the mirror, I can't even stand the sight of myself anymore

Me

i'm so sorry love, I can't imagine feeling like that, I'm so sorry


Him

I hate mylfe I wish someone would just kill me

everyone would be better off


Me

love, that's not true


Him

it really is

I don't have any motivation for anything, I'm CONSTANTLY bored and miserable

I can't get any bettert at guitar or singing or anything no matter how much I try

you'd be able to find a better boyfriend and not have a huge financial/emotional drain in your life

my friends wouldn't have to baby sit me or hear about my idiotic life choices



Me

babe, I love you, that is seperate to you feeling this way

Him

my brothers wouldn't have to be embarrassed to be related to me

HOW can you love me? I'm a liar, I sleaze and mooch off everyone I know, I have no depth or sustance, I don't DO anything and I have no motivation or real desire to DO anything. The only thing that ever makes this stop is booze and sometimes drugs

There isn't a single redeeming quality about me

honestly? If you could buy a gun and shoot me in the head, that would be great

Me

there are so many love, you just can't see them right now

Him

and I don't have any smokes, or any money, and I am at my absolute limit with even PRETENDING to be able to hold a job

if you can name 5 then I'd be shocked

and trust me any oyu name are probably just fabrications or acts I've gotten really good at projecting

Me

you know that's not the case love

Him

trus tme, it really is

Me

I hate hearing you're upset

what do you want me to do?


Him

kill me

nothing else works

so I'll just stay here until you get suck of me then I'll curl up under a bridge and die

but dw I'll go the doctors and all that bullhit and not get any better but at least you wont throw me out straight away


:'(

Thank you for reading, I know everyone here has their own demands to contend with so I really appreciate the time for reading.

[Want2know]

Those conversations are hard ones to know how to handle, as you want to help yet not enable this type of behavior. 

You had mentioned these boundaries in your other post:

*  As boundaries for myself most of them have been around the d/a.  If he drinks or uses he has to stay out of the house for at least three days until he has sobered up.  He hasn't relapsed for a while but I'm betting it will happen soon.

* We had a chat around emotional boundaries and what he needs me to do when he is distressed.  He advises that he needs his own space when he is crying.  This is hard for me.  I've told him that if he expresses suicidal ideation then i have to take this seriously and report it if he we can't think of strategies to keep him safe. 

*With the emotional abuse, I advised I had a two strike policy.  If he does it again it will be hard to believe that he actually loves me and I will have to end things.  As hard as this will be for me to do.

With the last thing he said about wanting to do, this is when you need to think through how you want to handle these situations going forward.  What I bolded above is important.  What happened after his last message?

We do have suicide protocols and a thread that discusses SI that might be helpful to read if you haven't already:

https://bpdfamily.com/discussions/search-info3.htm

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=79032.0

Take a look and let us know what you think.

[maxsterling]

Wow.  Perry much word-for word conversations I have had on numerous occasions.  Actually, some form of this conversation comes about just about every weekend, or whenever something big is coming up.  She's been sober long enough that she doesn't bring up the drugs/alcohol too much, and since I brought up how scared the suicide talk makes me, she's been better about not mentioning that.  But it's that same, "I am worthless, I am hopeless" conversation where I feel obligated to participate and hug her and lift her spirits until half my day is gone.  I'm so very sorry you are dealing with this.  I wish I could offer you suggestions on this one   About the only thing that seems to work for me is to get her out of the hour, take her shopping, to a movie, or just on a drive.  After about half an hour she is a little better, and if I can get her to go to an AA meeting that gives me a break.

[patientandclear]

What jumps out at me is that you are (understandably) trying to reassure him about his worth and your love ... .But what it sounds like he really could use is validation. He really feels the things he's telling you. You are, in the nicest way, saying he's wrong and somewhat shutting down his effort to explain what it feels like. Your comment "that sounds terrible, I can't imagine feeling that way" is acknowledging, but it may be helpful for him for you to actually ask questions that let him feel heard. The particular place where that jumped out is where he said if you could name five good qualities those would be fake/false front things he does. That COULD actually be true--that he works at being good to maintain a r/ship but doesn't feel that's his real self.

"What would you like me to do" is a fine question but "other than self-sabotaging things, what could YOU do that would make the situation better?" might lead in interesting directions.

Fundamentally though, you don't need to solve this--mostly, he needs to be heard, and the best way to offer hope is not to argue with his perceptions but take them as a true fact and a starting point for the conversation.

[formflier]

What jumps out at me is that you are (understandably) trying to reassure him about his worth and your love ... .But what it sounds like he really could use is validation. He really feels the things he's telling you. 

I would drop reassurances of your love.  I would focus on validation and letting him know that "you are there for him"

One of the most powerful reassurances of love that you can make is to let a person that is in a dark place know that you will be there for them in a non-judgmental way.

The "danger" with the reassurances of love that you were trying to give is that if he is not feeling loved and you are claiming to love him, then that can be invalidating.

If you believe that he is asking about your feelings for him, ask directly to confirm/reflect.

"are you asking how I feel for you?"  If the answer is yes, then talk about how important he and the relationship is to you.

Hope this helps.

FF