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Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits. Practicing lawyer, Senior Family Mediator, and former Licensed Clinical Social Worker with twelve years’ experience and an expert on navigating the Family Court process.
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Author Topic: Broke NC  (Read 519 times)
Ab123
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 83


« on: June 01, 2016, 06:24:12 PM »

So, I've been NC (or, more precisely, no response) with my exbfw/uBPD since mid April. When I said Goodbye and that I would no longer respond, he initially tested that and texted a few times a day, ranging from sweet to attempts at provoking jealousy, tapering gradually to about once a week for the last couple weeks. Today, it had been 9 days. The longest yet. I suspect he has a new steady girl. Anyway, he texted today that he's still there for me if I need a friend.

And I responded.  I'm not sure why. I still think about him a lot, but I'm very happy with my new bf.

So, that's what I told him. I very sweetly explained that I was responding just once, and won't again. But, that I hope he is happy and that I will always love him. But, also, that he and I can't work. Plus, I told him, explicitly, that I think I will marry my bf someday, and that if my ex looked at it objectively, he'd approve.  My bf is right for me.

Ex responded very nicely. (He must have a new girl he's at least mostly happy with.). Though he did make a reference to being sorry that "we" screwed up what could have been very special, back peddling from his previous acceptance of responsibility. He also said he hoped we could occasionally keep in touch, and that he still loves me too... .  (I might like that, every 6 months, if possible... .it would make the prospect of running into him less scary.).

Okay. I've said before that I'm not allowed to say this is it. Because I keep saying that. But, really, I don't know how closure gets more closed than this.
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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Other
Relationship status: "Divorced"/abandoned by SO in Feb 2014; Mother with BPD, PTSD, Depression and Anxiety: RIP in 2021.
Posts: 12183


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« Reply #1 on: June 01, 2016, 11:57:36 PM »

This sounds like "release with grace" on both of your parts, but more on yours. Though you still sound slghtly nervous, this seems like the emotions have died down to a point where it feels more like a "normal" post-break up contact, no?

If his r/s fails and he starts incessantly contacting you, how do you feel about your boundaries?

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    “For the strength of the Pack is the Wolf, and the strength of the Wolf is the Pack.” ― Rudyard Kipling
Ab123
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 83


« Reply #2 on: June 02, 2016, 09:05:00 AM »

Maybe that is why I responded. His text felt like a normal post-break-up contact. It just felt like someone who cares about me reaching out, and responding to that felt right. That's in contrast to his previous texts, which felt manipulative and threatening in the sense that he was obviously trying to get a response from me to meet his own needs and disrespecting the fact that I am with someone else. This entire exchange felt like a caring exchange between exes who are not trying to maintain a relationship.

I guess I'm nervous because the last heart emoji was less than two weeks ago, and the last substantively romantic text was less than a week before that. But, maybe he turned a solid corner in moving on (i.e. Found someone he is happy enough with that he's no longer desperate.)

I plan to ignore any new texts that come in. I am anxious because my feelings for him are complicated, and I will be healthier if he stops texting. I'm worried that I've encouraged him.  

This has been a lesson in "no contact". I remember him more fondly when I don't hear from him for a while. I would say the risk that I choose to recycle with him if my current relationship does not work out is much much greater if he fades away now. There was a time I would have recycled if it weren't for my current bf, but the post break texting by my ex has so clearly reinforced a BPD diagnosis that I'm pretty sure the "right" decision would be not to talk to him, even if I'm single in the future, regardless of whatever promises he makes. (Post break up, when he circled back, he promised the sun and moon and stars, including commitment, marriage, and therapy... .and he has actually started taking mood stabilizers, for he first time in his life.  But, he's also been totally self centered and pushed hard with FOG manipulation, trying to get me to see him... ."I can't do therapy unless you are with me. I need your help."
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Ab123
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 83


« Reply #3 on: June 06, 2016, 04:27:20 PM »

And he just sent a wink emoji.  I'm deleting without response, of course.

It's just so mind boggling. Intellectually I understand that he must not think like a "normal" person, but it still surprises me when he behaves so far outside "normal." 

I am so lucky to have found this board. His behavior makes no sense compared to any "real life" experience I've had. It's only by reading the stories of others here that I can understand the pattern and his likely motives / internal drives.

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Ab123
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 83


« Reply #4 on: September 20, 2016, 11:21:29 PM »

I'm adding to this thread, so context is more clear to new members.

I last heard from my exbfwuBPD in late June, until he texted last week: "hope you had a great summer!"  I deleted without responding. He isn't back on online dating sites, so my best guess is that he is still in a relationship, but is attempting to triangulate as it is either going downhill, becoming too intimate or both.

I'm still with the bf I met in February. (We worked through the issues that came up in July, for those of you that remember.). There is no way I'm jeopardizing what I have with him.

But it is still sad/hard. I think about my ex every day, even though I haven't seen him since January. I didn't respond, because I know it would just hurt everyone. It wouldn't help my ex if he knew I still cared and love him. It would give him false hope, and encourage him to engage in manipulations that would ultimately hurt me, potentially my bf, and whoever the girl is that is keeping him from online dating.

Still... . On some level it was comforting to hear from him. The contact attempt fits the BPD pattern, in every way, and reinforces my decision to keep my distance. I still have moments where I wonder if I gave up on something that could have worked... . It's ironic that his attempts to show me that he still thinks about me are evidence that it never could work with him.  

To newbies: I'm still lurking here, 8 months after I last saw my ex. The relationship only lasted 9 months total, including 3 weeks of break after month 4. I'm happy with someone new. And still working to consistently be at peace with what happened. If you just broke up, be especially kind to yourself.
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