Is anger a secondary emotion?

[JerryRG]

Hello everyone

Just wondering what you all think about anger.

To me and is not a single emotion but one that stems from other emotions I experience before becoming angry.

Then anger and translate into more emotions or depression?

Way to complicated for me to comprehend.

Fear - control - anger - lack of control - depression

Most of my issues lie in my fear, and I have learned that fear can be very destructive if not debilitating.

I've heard it compared to an acid that corrodes every aspect of my life.

Fear keeps me from living, being my best, taking chances, acceptance of life events.

Just wanted to throw this out there

Could my fear of what my exgf did, will do and has already done be a stumbling block to my recovery?

I know that every time I hear a siren, I think of her, when I get a late night/early morning text I think of her.

She brought chaos and drama into my life, fear of all the suicide threats, her breakdowns, accusations, calling athourites for no reason. Psychotic breaks, these things are traumatic, watching a mother attack a baby and scream for it to shut the f up is something, I can't seem to forget.

Anyway, PTSD?

[Splitblack4good]

Jerryrg

I've been following your posts because there are so many similar parts that your going through that are the same as mine right now . I think I have had or have post traumatic stress disorder aswell or at least very minor I often do the same things sometimes 4 months ago when I started detaching from my ex I was also feeling fear as you describe I to have have a son with my Bpdexgf it gets a lot easier I still have days though were I get a text and think it's her .

[fromheeltoheal]

Hi Jerry-

Yes, anger is usually a secondary emotion.  Instead of confusing ourselves by thinking of it as a translation, think of it as being on top of whatever's under it: first we feel fear, as you mention, or disrespect, rejection, invalidation, any other negative emotion, and that doesn't feel good, so we go to anger because it feels better, gives us a sense of control.  And sometimes anger is justified, a normal response to abuse or disrespect, but that's outwardly-focused anger; when we're trying to grow as people, staying in the anger can get in the way of what's really going on.  So if you feel anger, at yourself or someone else, just stop and think about what did you feel first, before the anger?  And feel that, and then, when you feel the anger come up again as a defense mechanism, notice that, notice how that feels, and once you do you'll realize you have a choice, you can go back to the underlying emotion and process that, play with it, feel it, learn from it.

[JerryRG]

Thanks Splitblack4good, fromheeltoheal

I can understand how anger is a distraction from what I'm really feeling and I will work on this.

I fear what my exgf will do next so I try everything I can to avoid her, even trying to convince her to limit communication to the topic of our son, she refuses to cooperate so I want to completely shut down all texts and emails.

I think I'm trying to control her by demanding she comply to my request.

I will keep working on my emotions and trying to understand them. Feel them

My anger is a defence mechanism, reminds me of fight or flight, self preservation? I've certainly had a lot of anger most of my life living with abusive people and not learning coping skills

[enlighten me]

Anger is also a masking emotion. It is a strong emotion so drowns out the others. I have seen it with my uBPD exs where they will turn to anger rather than deal with the real emotion thats causing an issue. Its like the guy shouting to get his point across you might not agree with him but you cant hear anyone else. Anger shouts down the other emotions so you cant hear them. Very useful if you have BPD as you dont have to face your own issues. You can project anger and it becomes someone elses fault.

[Sadly]

Yes, I have had that experience a lot. Just before we broke up this time he wasn't feeling good and suddenly started shouting and I mean really shouting at me in the car. After 5 minutes of non stop shouting and me sounding like a broken motor bike but but but but, he finished with, so shut the f*ck up, you just keep going on and on. I swear to god the only word I got out was but albeit several times. Unbelievably and a rarity he couldn't look at me when he said it but he did say sorry later.  Me, like a lemon, felt like I'd been given a prize. Duh!

[VitaminC]

Hi Jerry,

I am not sure I have anything helpful to add, but wanted to share that I've been thinking a lot about anger myself the last week or so.

I think what   FHTH says is spot on: "So if you feel anger, at yourself or someone else, just stop and think about what did you feel first, before the anger?  And feel that, and then, when you feel the anger come up again as a defense mechanism, notice that, notice how that feels, and once you do you'll realize you have a choice, you can go back to the underlying emotion and process that, play with it, feel it, learn from it."

I'm going to really pay attention to this myself and be generally more aware. It's always about slowing down those auto-responses and seeing how they can be restructured.

What you describe here:

"Could my fear of what my exgf did, will do and has already done be a stumbling block to my recovery?

I know that every time I hear a siren, I think of her, when I get a late night/early morning text I think of her.

She brought chaos and drama into my life, fear of all the suicide threats, her breakdowns, accusations, calling athourites for no reason. Psychotic breaks, these things are traumatic, watching a mother attack a baby and scream for it to shut the f up is something, I can't seem to forget."

is really powerful.   It sounds natural to me that there would be fear built up in you in response to those kinds of events.  They are, as you say, traumatic.  There is bound to be residue from that.  :)epending on the severity of it, it might deserve to be labelled PTSD, sure.

I know that for me, anger (mainly and ultimately directed at myself)  is very easily accessible as a defense mechanism. Usually in the past, when I've dug under that, I've felt huge sadness - way less comfortable for me.  More recently, I'm finding that when I dig under the anger (and it's usually a conscious effort I have to make) I get 'aha' moments that please me. Because I feel like I might be getting somewhere.

So, yea, those are my thoughts on anger.  

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Jerry, Underneath anger, one often finds sadness or hurt, in my experience.  LuckyJim

[valet]

To echo a few others that have posted here, anger is generally there as a coping response to an inability to manage and accept fear.

Everyone gets angry. It doesn't mean we or they are flawed. It's a behavioral pattern that can be broken with time and awareness. And sometimes, anger is quite useful. It keeps us out of situations that can cause us harm.

On the other hand, however, if it doesn't fit into that goldilocks zone of protecting the self in a justified and kind way it generally just ends up hurting others and the person who feels angry. So this all kinda boils down to extreme sensitivity to abandonment and engulfment scenarios. Hence the splitting behaviors, rages, silent treatment, and the seeking of new attachments.

You've come this far, Jerry. It's not going to be an easy or immediate process in dealing with these. You'll have to learn to be aware of your emotions and what they are telling you. It could be a sign of PTSD, but I'd ask a trusted therapist. This happened to me for a few months after the breakup. It was like I was constantly on watch for my ex, even if I knew for a fact she was nowhere close to me. It goes away in time. Keep doing your thing and live a good life.