the story of my BPDex

[elfyguy]

Hi all , I'm new to the forums but I thought I'd share my story.

I met my ex 6 years ago at university. It moved really, really fast. Soon after she left university because she got into conflict with some of her class mates. She never could hold onto a job and kept changing careers. Anyway, the beginning of the relationship was absolutely nuts. She would turn into this little kid and then shortly afterwards we'd get into these huge fights; All the fights made no sense. I remember when I went to Portugal to meet her family, we got into a fight and she left me at the beach. Her mother came to collect me and she was begging me not to breakup with her  A few years ago she locked me in my room and I had to pee in a bottle and she kicked me out the car because I wouldn't wear my glasses(don't ask). I endured, like so much of you, so much suffering for those moments that I had been missing in my childhood. Anyway, early last year I bought her tickets to see some theatre plays in London(her first time) and she loved them. So I got her acting classes - you can guess where this is going. I heard my father wasn't feeling well, so I left for a while to go see him. When I came back she was cold and distant.

Shortly after I came back, she said she wanted to be single but for some reason she wanted me to stay. Screw that, I left but my god it was hard. We spent some time together and she was doing things she hadn't done in ages, like getting fit and wanting a sex life :P and comparing me. Anyway. I left and all was good until after 1-2 weeks when she started sending me naked images of her saying "come get me." She told me she was going to parties and out. I freaked out and wanted her back so badly. I felt the most emotional pain I'd ever felt in my entire life. It was like I was distracting myself for all my life and now I'm feeling everything in one go.

She said she didn't want to have any kind of romantic relationship with me and then ignored me - my god that was so difficult. I was literally walking around in circles. After some time had passed, she broke silence and told me she found someone new and "he knows all about me." Suffice to say, I blocked her from everything so I could heal and not obssess over her. That was a few months ago.

Anyway, I'm going out now and doing what I want(she was very controlling). I realised what I miss is that feeling she gave me. Truth be told, we didn't really have that much in common, you know, other than a co-dependant relationship. I'm still shocked how little the relationship meant to her. When we broke up, she would only contact me if she wanted something. I remember she was asking for a smart watch. 
She always said we would grow old together and that we would be friends if we ever breakup, even f-buddies(I looked at her strangely after she said that). I still keep her pictures and other stuff, it reminds me that emotional pain is part of life

In conclusion, some other sucker has taken my problems from me. Thank you

[joeramabeme]

Hi elfyguy

Welcome to BPD Family.  Glad you posted.  You sound very clear minded. 

How long has it been since you have contacted her?  Are you holding any reservations that she may one day acknowledge the feelings that you thiught were shared about your relationship?

I really relate to your post and the seemingly impossible degree to which our exes are able to act "as if" there was little to no emotional bonding.  The part about naked pictures must have felt hurtful as the relationship for you was deep felt. 

The literature about BPD says that people with it are missing a part of their core.  They look and act and behave as if they are with it, but on the inside there are missing pieces. 

JRB

[drained1996]

  elfyguy, so sorry you had to endure pain from your enmeshment with a BPD partner.  You seem to have a fairly good grasp on your circumstance, and I think I'm reading between the lines and noting you have done some reflecting on your part in all of this as well? 

"I realised what I miss is that feeling she gave me."

This quote is something it takes a whole lot of us a very long time to comprehend.  If you have truly accepted that, as it sounds you have, you've done some of the heavy lifting in your detachment already. 
If you feel so inclined, do share with us some reflection you may have done in your process.  Did you get help from a therapist (T)? 
You have found a great family here, and we understand the mental and emotional pain you have suffered and may encounter in the future.  Keep doing what you are doing, as it seems to be working for you.  Share here, and learn... .the path towards full detachment leads to the freedom of a new and better version of ourselves.  Keep posting!   

[eprogeny]

I felt the most emotional pain I'd ever felt in my entire life. It was like I was distracting myself for all my life and now I'm feeling everything in one go.

Man. I know that feeling.  If you continue to have bouts with that feeling, my suggestion is that you pay attention to it.  Really pay attention to it.  It's telling you something really important.

She said she didn't want to have any kind of romantic relationship with me and then ignored me - my god that was so difficult. I was literally walking around in circles. After some time had passed, she broke silence and told me she found someone new and "he knows all about me."

I just never seem to not be shocked at how similar all our exes are.  Like, it's just eerie.  Seeing just how many people have experienced the same clearly abnormal behaviors made it so much easier to begin my recovery path.  I'm not sure why that is other than a subconscious realization of the implications regarding just how pervasive the disorder is in her life. 

I realised what I miss is that feeling she gave me.

Yes!  That right there - hold onto that.  Knowing that as much as you loved her, it was the feeling she gave you - the feeling inside of you that "came to life" with her - that is where the source of your healing will be.  Have you identified what the feeling was?  Or why the loss of it has settled so deeply on you?

I'm still shocked how little the relationship meant to her.

I find myself saying over and over "who DOES that?" when I think of things my ex did - and then seeing other people's stories I answer it - people with BPD do that.  In that same way, I see a major pattern in just how many of us come here and say what you've said here - that it's just so hard to believe how little the relationship, or we, ended up meaning to them.

The thing is, more and more I am coming to believe that it's because we meant something to them they ended up behaving this way.  It's one of those moments where the incomprehensibility of it all just seems to scream at us - that these people we loved so much probably also loved us back, which is why they left us.  It makes so little sense the only way to understand it is to understand the disorder.

In conclusion, some other sucker has taken my problems from me. Thank you

I know that feeling, too.   I actually feel sorry for my replacement... .but I'm starting to suspect that person may have Schizotypal Personality Disorder and that means my ex is going to have some interesting times ahead of her.  I would laugh at that, if it weren't just so sad. 

Like you, I just sit here in disbelief at the "crazy factor" of it all and quietly think "thank god I'm out".

[elfyguy]

Hey JRB,
Thanks, I do a lot of reflecting. Too much tbh  So It's difficult for me to live in the moment and enjoy.

I contacted her a month and 4 days ago. The contact was 3 emails sent: me to her, then her to me and then back again. Before that it was about another month when I deleted her from everything. I was looking at stuff I had in storage and I found my most recent birthday card from her. It basically said she's sorry for the beginning of the relationship and that she promises to be there for me, right here and now. The card confused the hell out of me, because emotionally(not intellectually) I thought love was eternal. So, I asked her what she meant by the card and why she couldn't be there for me when I, for once, needed her. She replied very strongly and attacked me - I was the bad guy; I cried as I read her email. I responded with my interpretation of what I asked for, not what she directly said. I learned from her response that love can be fleeting. That was a particularly painful moment. In the past, I would've avoided reading that card.

Yeah, her sending me these pictures was baffling to me. She was doing some odd things. She even posted pictures of her Tinder conversations denying guys. She thought this was funny.

Yeah Drained, I've needed a lot of support and I have no issues discussing my predicament. I appreciate the kind and heartfelt welcome, thank you
During the breakup my mind was a right mess. I contacted an integrative therapist that used a technique called the Diamond Approach. I've studied philosophy in university and now am studying psychology, which gave me some perspective. However, I think, once I got passed the top and middle layer of neurosis, I could focus on the core part. In essence, I'm scared to be alone. The relationship between my ex and I was a parental relationship. I was her father and she was my mother. This year, her family and friends were, for once, in a healthier place. So, she didn't need a father figure boyfriend as much anymore and she saw many of my flaws. She saw a wreck of a human being, which I was after years of abuse, accepting my role and having emotional barriers up. What has been really helping me is to directly confront emotions - good and bad, including being alone. Also, I've been trying to meditate and focus more on the here and now. I think that many nons and BPD peeps tend to, the majority of the time, live outside the moment - past, future and the abstract.

I sometimes think about my ex, however, I could never go back to her. What I imagine is what I'd say to her if she tried to get me back and if she misses me at all. I read some forum posts here that said BPD peeps don't usually miss the same way normal people do. However, I am still curious if she'll ever try to contact me again 

[elfyguy]

Heya eprogeny, thanks for the post. Yeah I agree with everything you've said. It's nice to know I'm not the only one

Yes!  That right there - hold onto that.  Knowing that as much as you loved her, it was the feeling she gave you - the feeling inside of you that "came to life" with her - that is where the source of your healing will be.  Have you identified what the feeling was?  Or why the loss of it has settled so deeply on you?

Yes. I think have have identified that feeling. I went to a Buddhist retreat 2 weeks back. I'm not a Buddhist but I thought I'd try it out. Afterwards, one of the women there spoke to me and was telling me her problems. It seems like she wanted to confide in someone. I found her fairly attractive and found some similarities with her and my ex. Anyway, as she was staring into my eyes and I hers, I noticed that I was feeling really good. I realised that the feeling I wanted was to be recognized. This need seems to stem from how my mother made me feel. It's sort-of like being the centre of the universe. In that moment, I was not alone. I think BPD people tend to make you the centre of the universe.

I know that feeling, too.   I actually feel sorry for my replacement... .but I'm starting to suspect that person may have Schizotypal Personality Disorder and that means my ex is going to have some interesting times ahead of her.  I would laugh at that, if it weren't just so sad.  

Like you, I just sit here in disbelief at the "crazy factor" of it all and quietly think "thank god I'm out".

Yeah. I do worry for the guy she's with. I mean, he's me from the past. I don't know how he'll cope if he gets married and has kids with her. Her end game seemed to be marriage and kids but I never gave in  I'm still going to call him a sucker tho