Trip originally planned with BPD-Ex

[anothercasualty]

So, I have a work trip that has been scheduled for several months. It's near where I grew up and gives me an opportunity to see friends and family for a long weekend. I originally planned to bring my then current BPD GF. I bought her a plane ticket. In between then and now, we had what I decided was going to be the last of those kind of fights. I broke it off and told her that I was fully done.

Several days later, she asked if I was really done and insisted that we should talk. We did chat on the phone and I reiterated that I was truly done. I told her I did not want her to come on the trip and if she wanted to use the ticket to go somewhere else, go on.

The day I was leaving for the trip, I dreaded being at the airport. I envisioned "a grand gesture" and her coming and begging for another chance. What is twisted, is there is a small part of me that wanted her to do it. Most of my thoughts were hoping that she would show me love the best way she could and just leave me alone.

She didn't show up and for that I am relieved. I have a sense of melancholy on the trip now, but I do see a little tiny pinhole of light at the end of this long tunnel.

I am really just venting and needed to get this off my mind.

Thanks for reading.

[gotbushels]

Hi anothercasualty 

I understand what you mean by dreading being at the airport. I also understand that small part of you that wanted her to do it.

I guess my experience here was that I sometimes didn't want her to be around at all because of all the things that happened in my relationship. At the same time, I did want to experience what was good about it. For your ex to try to perform an act of affection like that seems to me a way of representing what was good in your relationship. I sometimes hoped for my ex to do the same.

I don't really have anything to say about her not showing up, but I do think it's important to hold out that you are relieved and yourself without her being around. I like the way you describe your sadness with hope.

I hope you're feeling better.