Can't get Non-BPD man out of my heart

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Hello everyone, first thread here... . 

I met a man 2 years ago that I fell for quickly, but he ended up ghosting me after a few months of hot/cold behavior.  I had found that confusing, so when he disappeared on me to return to his "mean" ex-wife (his words), I was fine, thinking I had probably dodged a bullet.  Six months passed, and I returned to my life, but little-by-little the things he had told me about his ex-wife's cruelty, fake suicide attempts, etc. would pop into my head, and then one day I realized - holy cow - she's exactly like my sister-in-law (who has long since isolated my brother, and neither of them have been in my life for 10+ years).

I started doing a little research, and ended up concluding that both ladies probably have BPD - - obviously I don't know that for sure, but I do know they are both abusive.  Now as a teacher, I have a legal obligation to look for and report signs of abuse to children... .I'm not obligated to help adults, but I found I couldn't forget it either.  Still... .I did nothing.

A few months later the man started calling me, and we had a few very honest phone discussions.  He was still with his ex, but I sensed he needed someone to talk to.  I primarily just listened.  Another month passed, and I sent him a 100% platonic birthday email.  A few hours later, his ex-wife called me (I guess she went through his phone to find my number) and lit into me in the most psychotic, circuitous, maniacal way.  Luckily for me (though this is debatable), I have a sister who is bi-polar/schizophrenic, so I knew how to get the ex-wife off the phone without my being affected in any way.

Well by that time, it was almost a year since I had met the man, and perhaps 9 months since I'd seen him... .but my teacher/anti-abuse radar just kept zinging and I couldn't silence it.  I called the man's aunt, who asked me to write everything down and to mail it to her.  I did.  A few months passed, and then one day he visited his aunt, and he read my letter.  He admitted to her and to a pastor that everything I had written and suggested (abuse) was true.  He called me.  He wasn't angry; he broke up with the ex-wife, and seemed relieved in fact to have everything out in the open.  He and I kept in touch and even went out to dinner a few times.  Then... .he ghosted me again, and returned to his ex-wife.

By this time, I am well-informed enough to know that she's probably BPD, and he's probably a typical NON, stuck in the make-up/break-up cycle.  I know a few of his friends, and have learned that this has been going for years.  I fully recognize that this is his life, and his process to live through.  I've had a ton of first dates since this all happened, but haven't met anyone that captures my heart.  I'm dying to replace this man... .  I think one of the hard things is this little theory: when you lie down with dogs, you get up with fleas... .and this man knew how to charm and flirt like there was no tomorrow, but his interest could change like the wind.

Every morning and every night I pray that he will stop occupying my thoughts.

[I love a non]

Hello everyone, first thread here... . 

I met a man 2 years ago that I fell for quickly, but he ended up ghosting me after a few months of hot/cold behavior.  I had found that confusing, so when he disappeared on me to return to his "mean" ex-wife (his words), I was fine, thinking I had probably dodged a bullet.  Six months passed, and I returned to my life, but little-by-little the things he had told me about his ex-wife's cruelty, fake suicide attempts, etc. would pop into my head, and then one day I realized - holy cow - she's exactly like my sister-in-law (who has long since isolated my brother, and neither of them have been in my life for 10+ years).

I started doing a little research, and ended up concluding that both ladies probably have BPD - - obviously I don't know that for sure, but I do know they are both abusive.  Now as a teacher, I have a legal obligation to look for and report signs of abuse to children... .I'm not obligated to help adults, but I found I couldn't forget it either.  Still... .I did nothing.

A few months later the man started calling me, and we had a few very honest phone discussions.  He was still with his ex, but I sensed he needed someone to talk to.  I primarily just listened.  Another month passed, and I sent him a 100% platonic birthday email.  A few hours later, his ex-wife called me (I guess she went through his phone to find my number) and lit into me in the most psychotic, circuitous, maniacal way.  Luckily for me (though this is debatable), I have a sister who is bi-polar/schizophrenic, so I knew how to get the ex-wife off the phone without my being affected in any way.

Well by that time, it was almost a year since I had met the man, and perhaps 9 months since I'd seen him... .but my teacher/anti-abuse radar just kept zinging and I couldn't silence it.  I called the man's aunt, who asked me to write everything down and to mail it to her.  I did.  A few months passed, and then one day he visited his aunt, and he read my letter.  He admitted to her and to a pastor that everything I had written and suggested (abuse) was true.  He called me.  He wasn't angry; he broke up with the ex-wife, and seemed relieved in fact to have everything out in the open.  He and I kept in touch and even went out to dinner a few times.  Then... .he ghosted me again, and returned to his ex-wife.

By this time, I am well-informed enough to know that she's probably BPD, and he's probably a typical NON, stuck in the make-up/break-up cycle.  I know a few of his friends, and have learned that this has been going for years.  I fully recognize that this is his life, and his process to live through.  I've had a ton of first dates since this all happened, but haven't met anyone that captures my heart.  I'm dying to replace this man... .  I think one of the hard things is this little theory: when you lie down with dogs, you get up with fleas... .and this man knew how to charm and flirt like there was no tomorrow, but his interest could change like the wind.

Every morning and every night I pray that he will stop occupying my thoughts.

[Mutt]

Hi I love a non,



I'm sorry that you had to go through that. I can relate with your post and how difficult that is when someone you care about deeply and the feelings don't stop when they vanish and go no contact - it leaves you with so many unanswered questions, there's no colosure and it feels like you're subhuman when someone stops communicating with you.

There are two ways that you could look at the hot and cold behavior, it could be that your ex has an insecure attachment style and he doesn't have BPD or he does have BPD, similar attracts similar? We're not professionals and cannot diagnose but what we can do is look at traits of the borderline personality type.

I'm guessing here that you are looking for information with how to help your ex with an abusive r/s? Are you looking to detach from him?