Just a thought I have been having while I've been detaching from my past relationship with exBPDgf.
I've been doing a lot of self reflection and it is pretty clear that I had my own issues to have put up with a person who could not love me and treat me right for longer than I should. I'll share a little bit about what I've discovered about myself.
A part of me felt like I couldn't survive on my own, at least initially after the break up. I thought I was pretty independent before she came to my life as I was fine and didn't think I was 'lonely'. But somehow that was brought out of me. All those childhood wounds I thought I had dealt with and got rid of etc. And the whole rescuing her from her issues and feeling like she would never leave me. I realise that I was drawn to someone with more issues because of my insecurity that noone healthier would like me or that I didn't deserve someone I thought was too good and that if I could somehow fix her, I would be fixing myself and we could both heal from childhood wounds together. It was like I was more attracted to someone with issues because I felt like I was needed, you know? Like the issues in a weird way was attractive, I don't know or drew me in or made me more interested and invested or that I was important.
Also the guilt and obligation. Me feeling like I felt badly about leaving her was still there when I was unsure about her when we first met. I knew something was not quite right for things to move too quickly but the inability to say no or put a stop to whatever comes my way was also an issue and why even when things turned bad I had no intention of leaving her, even when there were threats on both sides that we'd leave each other. I thought then I was upholding boundaries when really I wasn't. If I truly did, I should have walked away a long time ago because I knew it wasn't what I wanted/deserved. I was just afraid. Even for her. I was convinced she couldn't survive without me at one point and was stressed what ending the relationship could bring too but yes when it actually happened, well I appeared to be the one more attached, shattered and broken about it...
I recognise now that it what we had wasn't 'real love', or maybe it was but it was certainly unhealthy, drama-filled and addictive. When things were great, they were really great and I guess that is the draw too with being with a pwBPD. They give you a lot of validation, they feel so familiar like you've known them for so long and you think it is the best you will ever get.
To be honest sometimes I get a little jealous of my friend's relationships because they all appear to be happy. They get in fights too and all and I hear from my guy friends how dramatic their girlfriends can be at times but I guess with theirs it is still within normal range you know? and I sometimes irrationally wish that my exBPDgf could be the right person for me because there was many things I liked about being with her. Why can't I have that? Why can't I have something just work out when I tried so hard for it to work out comes to mind. I know I should take it as inspiration and that someday I'll meet someone healthy and it wouldnt have to be this difficult and soul destroying. I've been working a lot on me a lot lately, (diet, exercise, continuing studies, surrounding myself with people who are positive and love me), still visiting this forum now and again reading other peoples stories so I don't feel alone, took some therapy and yeah feeling a lot stronger, healthier and independent than before. Much so than before. I'll try not to blame myself for allowing myself to be in something so "abusive" and not knowing when enough is enough! Sometimes I have those thoughts like how could I be so stupid? so naive? Especially that she was my first, it makes me feel like I missed out on having something 'real' and theres no proof I'll find something special and worth it. I know rationally that I should take it as a learning experience and not to think I just wasted my time. And the amount that I need to work on myself, I am trying not to be too hard on myself because of my past relationship. Oh and last thing. With becoming more of a 'whole' person has been really imporant for me. I realise I have plenty of work to do to start being happy on my own. Sometimes I am afraid that I am not whole enough for a healthy person but I am also trying not to think that way and trying to keep confident that I am still enough, even currently and that what I am thinking is just nonsense
and fear that I can't experience something 'real', genuine and loving that I had hoped for just because I still have some insecurities of my own and beause of the failed relationship.
