starcity17
Fewer than 3 Posts
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 2
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« on: October 08, 2016, 02:25:54 AM » |
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Is my ex BPD (and possibly depressed)? Or is it just me?
We had a short LDR. I’m 40, he’s 36. We live 3 hours away from each other. Met on tinder. Was really great the first few times we met in person (after the 2nd visit, we were on our way to coupledom). About him: he had bad experiences with exes, who had all cheated on him (according to him) but he was a serial relationshipper (had never had a ONS) who had been single for ca. 2 years (last experience was a FWB who he fell in love with but she didn't want him- this had ended about 5 months ago).
After getting to know me a bit, he seemed to be pursuing something serious with me (talked about the future a lot and did all the stuff you'd expect from someone who's 'into' you). Lovely, sweet and respectful guy who clearly had self-esteem issues (which he was very honest about). It was going really well, and at the beginning, he said he wanted to take it slowly, because he had ruined things in the past by being “over possessive and jealous”. He was also quite nerdy in a way and focussed, almost obsessively on very small (often) banal details of things or actions, which I found cute but also a bit odd.
He did often say things like "I want to see you happy", "you're more important than me", "you deserve to be happy".
Yet, during the third visit (me at his for the 2nd time), he was distant and odd from the minute I got off the bus (I was also not in a good mood which was made worse by his distant behaviour and, seeking reassurance, had a bit of a go at him for dating much younger women- which hurt him. He said he couldn’t change the past.) He was not affectionate or that into sex during this visit. We left with me feeling really sad and him not being very reassuring. I assumed it was on its way out, but he maintained the usual contact with me.
After that though, his texts (he texted me every single day from the beginning until the end) got more distant, although still affectionate, but not making plans with me for the next visit. I then got fed up and asked him what was going on and why were we even still in contact. He said that he had not felt " himself" since before my last visit, and now didn’t know what his feelings for me were. He also revealed he had being going to a psychotherapist 1x a week for around 7 months (his last ex had apparently broken his heart and left him not caring about anything anymore). I said I was sick of his non-committal attitude, and that we should just call it quits. He responded hysterically (crying on the phone), begging me not to end it, saying he didn’t want to be without me. Then, he said “if you don’t hear from me again, its because I’ve probably done something stupid”. Red flag number one.
I gave in, despite my better judgement, probably because I didn’t want to lose him. I know I probably should have run for the hills at that point, but love (or rather infatuation) is blind, eh?
Nothing really changed. We stayed in this weird distant state. He continued to text every day, but again got elusive when I tried to arrange a meeting.
Again I tried to force the issue and this time, he ended it, in tears and with LOTS of drama, again citing not feeling like himself, and being afraid of hurting me. He said it was ironic that for the first time in his life, he was happy on his own, but he knew it wouldn’t always be this way, and that’s why he wanted to hold onto me. I wasn’t very happy with the implication that he was keeping me around 'in case'. He also talked about how much he hated himself, saying "how can I love someone when I hate myself?". That he knew he felt his feelings were not strong enough to make it work over the distance but he hoped that one day they would be. He also said he knew he should fight to make it work, & that he was aware that he was making a mistake, and would regret it. He said he hoped he would come crawling back to me one day, ideally when I'd met someone better and didn’t want him anymore. Then he went on about how painful it was to look at the photos of me & know what he was letting go, and how could he not hate himself for this, et. He also sent a really unflattering photo of himself crying. Another red flag there. Then he ended it . I was really upset, and that eve I just got really drunk to try and numb my feelings.
But then he came back the next day, saying he had been constantly worried about me & crying non-stop, and that “must mean something.” He said he thought we had a future and that he just needed time to "sort his feelings out". I realise in retrospect I should have ended it for good at this point, after so many red flags & emotional rollercoaster ride.
But, again, we remained stuck in the distant zone.
He increasingly talked about himself in texts, rarely asking me how I was. He went from sending lots a day, to maximum two. He explained that he was texting less to take the pressure off and because he wanted to be careful, but that he was still thinking about me a lot and looking forward to seeing me.
If he started a conversation with me, he would then try to get out of it as quickly as possible.
The texts became mainly about his mental or physical state. He would talk about feeling empty, or really heavy, tired all the time, achey all over, listless. Once he said he was super tired, although he’d slept fine: “Like being on drugs” (he’d never taken them btw) and that it was really odd. At one point, he said he was happiest alone, and avoiding friends, and that they were getting annoyed with him and had to talk him into seeing them. He said that in the past month he had got irritated by things more easily too, like the noises outside his apartment. These hadn’t bothered him for years. He also continued to suffer from chronic insomnia (he'd had this all the way through).
One day, out of the blue, he sent a text saying: “is it like I think it is?”, after I put a pic up of me and a male friend on my whatsapp profile. I responded that it was just a friend. He said that meant he “must obviously be jealous" and was embarrassed for “already stalking”. He then shut down the conversation.
After much to and fro, he then arranged to come and stay with me to "figure out his feelings" , but again said he didn't want to hurt me.
I started to dread it, and tried to put him off a few days later, but he said whilst it was my decision and he couldn’t force me, that he really wanted to come to see how things were between us. So I relented.
A few weeks passed, and I continued to dread it. His texts became fewer, and increasingly one-way, bland and formal & seemingly indifferent to how I was or what I was up to.
Not long after he booked the tickets for his trip, I responded to one of his bland texts by saying he wasn’t the guy he used to be, and that I didn’t deserve to be held and a distance like this. I went a bit crazy, partly also because I was overworked and pre-menstrual, but also because I was just sick of the situation.
His (predictable) response was to immediately cancel his visit- telling me he had actually been really looking forward to it (although he’d not expressed that at all), because he was “scared” of how I would be with him. I then got more angry and we talked for a few hours. I told him about my fearing his visit. He told me had had hoped for a fresh start with me and that perhaps his feelings would return. All too late, of course. But that in our (he meant my) current state, it would "only end it tears".
We talked and texted for a few hours and it was clear he was not changing his mind. Various things came out. He told me, amongst other things, that after the first time he dumped me, he almost came to my city to propose to me, "because he knows I’m good for him"(Red flag number two). He also told me he had tried to **** himself over a woman at one point (I don’t know when this was). Red flag number three. He also said he had been doubting everything lately- love and life- and mentioned that he had often thought about just ending things. He said he didn’t know whether he had ever been loved or been in love. That he was just full of doubts and “emotionally dead”. I'd asked him whether he'd simply gone off me, sexually, but he said he just hadn't been really in the mood for it when I visited.
He also said I was the only woman who hadn't "treated him like sxxt"
The last time we spoke, he said maybe he would come back in 6 months, who knows? but then retracted it, saying he didn’t want to make any promises he couldn’t keep. I asked him about his feelings for me and he said he his gut feeling and heart told him it didn’t feel right. He then made an excuse to go saying we could talk another time.
2 days later, he dumped me very melodramatically by text, (saying he wouldn’t respond to any texts or calls from me,t o make it less painful for me and that we had “cried enough tears already”). He wished he could be the man to make me happy but he just couldn't, not "now".Again, he said he’d reconsidered coming to see me, but that was now not possible “maybe never”. That in the past months, he’d become "numb" and "heartless", "not like himself" . He said that he had fallen a bit in love with me in June and that those feelings were real, and still thought about this time a lot, but now these feelings were gone. He was "indifferent" not just to me, but to everything. That in his current condition he was an “a******”, that I should let go of him, but to not forget that the "nicer person" who he had been when I met him, who had "either died after 36.5 years or was just sleeping". That he hoped he would come crawling back to me one day, but that I prob wouldn't want him, but that would at least mean I was happy. That if we had a future it was "not now", because he had “too much crap in his head” and was too "broken" for a relationship with me. He kept going on about me "letting go" of him (although he had actually been the one to keep it going). And that I was the "kindest woman he'd ever met" (he'd sent me some odd text out of the blue at the beginning about how "kind/loving" I was and that he wanted me to know that- i didn't take this well because for me it implied I was 'nice' but not hot but he said that being kind & hot were a good combo) and that it was "unbearably painful" for him to not have me in his life anymore. The letter read like it had been written by a teenage boy, tbh. He didn't come back this time. This was around 13th September.
A few days ago, I changed the location on a dating app I sometimes use (a reminder of why internet stalking is a bad idea:-) ) to his city, because I had a feeling he was lying about not being able to date (not ready for a relationship with anyone is a classic dumpers lie) and lo, there he was, with a new profile picture. He’d signed up 4 weeks previously, which he must have made straight after he ended it with me (or possibly just before). He was active a few days ago. I know when dumpers do this, they have checked out of a relationship a while beforehand. Which he clearly had.
I felt super bad for stalking, but was furious, because although I accepted he had ended it, because he lost his feelings for me, I genuinely took him at his word when he said he felt odd, numb, and "too kaputt to be in a relationship" (his words). Plus I was angry at him having not just letting it go for wasting my time and putting me through the emotional mill for no good reason (if he had felt so little for me, why put me through all this drama? why not just dump me when he went off me?) I again went against my better judgment and (stupidly) confronted him by text about the dating site and he responded that he was "just bored and wanted to see what it was like compared to Tinder" and wasn't writing to anyone and “currently” had no plans to meet anyone (i.e in total denial). That he "didn't have to justify himself" - I would agree with him on that front- what he does with women now is his business, EXCEPT that it proved that he had outright lied to me at the end and that it had been about me, not being unable to date. No-one signs up to those things with new pics if they aren’t looking for sex (so much for asexual) or a gf (too kaput for a relationship). He then added "just so you know: i'm doing really badly " then "I like you, but i can't do this anymore" & blocked me. So from falling for me to no feelings to suicide threats if I leave him to total indifference within the space of ca. 4 months (inc 3 actual face to face visits).
My question is: whilst I don't want to generalize, is this BPD -type behaviour (combined with depression). It was so sudden and odd. Like switching off a light. Or if it was just a case of him going off me, why not just end it? We live miles away from each other. Why all this drama, the arranging to come and stay with me etc, if he had just lost interest? Does this sound like he has BPD ? Or someone who is just really bad at dumping people? If so, it was very cruel to let it go on even when I tried to end it. Someone with BPD read this and says he recognizes all the behaviour and it's likely that the distance was a big factor, although my ex was the one to act like it was fine, when I got worried about it. But I do think the lack of face to face (I am a tour guide and we met during my high season which meant I was alway most of the time and visits were more difficult to arrange as a result) made it much harder and that if I'd just allowed the last visit to happen, instead of freaking out, it may have helped. But I was also scared of being rejected by him & he wasn't doing anything to reassure me.
It's over now. We haven't seen each other since the end of July but I was so emotionally entangled in it and so surprised at the way it unravelled, I guess I'm looking for some answers. Which I know I won't really get. And before anyone says it: I accept it is over. A poster on another forum says I dodged a bullet with this guy and I do realize intellectually, he's right (emotionally I'm still entangled) I'm working on moving forward and this is part of it. I have a few dates set up for next week. But I find the whole thing so bizarre and can't explain it at all... . Sorry about the length- whoever manages to read this to the end deserves a medal... .:-) I could write bad novels... .
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