Help me understand

[FallBack!Monster]

Hi. I'm on this board seeking understanding. The pwBPD in my life was diagnosed with BPD about a year ago. Before the diagnosis she was depress a lot, panic attacks even when not noticeable and said she feared was losing her mind. After many discussions decided to see a therapist. I'm seeking to understand her sudden change. After the diagnosis she began to "educate" herself about the disorder, both online and books from the library.  At first she would share her new findings with me and we would discuss copying mechanisms for both.  After a while it seemed the more she learned the less she shared. I would come home excited to hear about her new findings. We were friends who and partners who shared a lot, but she had began to leave me out.  I would insist in us sharing. the more I asked the more aggressive and aggregated she became. It worried and depressed me. Suddenly, in a span of about 6 weeks as she was becoming better informed about her condition, she changed. One day I hadn't heard from her all day which was unusual. I got home from work and she wasn't home. I knew she had come home because she got off of work 2hrs before I did.l and she was always home by the time I got there. She claimed she went home and fell asleep. That was that. The second THING was, again, another day that it was difficult getting in touch with her. In the span of our 2 and 1/2 relationship she called me during every break she got at work.  She began to progressively spend more and more hours online. At first it was about learning from otherd about her illness then later joined a few BPD groups and forums then started communication with other BPD sufferes. It seems once she joined those groups I became the outsider. She began to push me away and completely shut me out of her daily life. Let me point out, we did not actually live together. She would visit and spend the night quite often. We seemed happy. Fast forward... .About 3 months since the diagnosis and the online activities.  I come home from work, she's at my house, in the shower.  Left the cell on the bed unlockedon. sex toy in plain sight. I get curious in lieu of how things have been between the two of us lately. I'm not sure she knows I'm there. She's singing and I'm snooping. I was crushed to see she had recently signed up to a dating site. She had been talking & flirting with a few guys and girls all ages. In her profile she was single. There's was one man in particular she would talk to all day every day, even on the job. I'm sweating and nervous, I walk back out the door. I couldn't believe what I was looking at. She had also sent him pics of her privates. I was stunned. Didn't know what to do or say. This guy was between 300-400 lbs.  He wasn't a stranger. He was a guy from her job. I met this guy at an office picnic. He talked a lot and she even made fun of him saying she didn't like him because he talked a lot and is a pretentious preacher with bed breath. In one of the messages between the two he said, if we (him & her) were to get married they would call you the preachers wife. She replied with a smile.
I left the house. Never came back. We texted back and forth the whole day. I never told her I was in the house earlier and saw her phone. Instead I told her someone told me and I saw her on the streets with him and lied and said other guys as well. Of course she denied all of it. I never mentioned the pics. There was a guy at her work she often talked about. Saying He was a drunk, he would leave with anything,  a drug addict, according to her and his wife  left him took the kids. How and why would she care and kno all that I asked myself. Because most of the time she acted depressed when she was with me so when would she find time for useless chitchat.  Maybe she was sleeping with him and I was oblivious about what this sweet gentle woman is really about. During our texting marathon I asked her to please leave, don't leave any of her belongings at my house and I never wanted to hear from her again. Granted I was upset and maybe that wasn't the proper way to handle it but is what worked for me at the time. Fast forward.,... 2 weeks later we talked over dinner. I told her I was sorry for breaking it off over the phone blablablah and we went our separate ways. She would call me and i would Alway be happy to hear from her. One day she didn't call anymore. I stated to miss her voice. I called a few times, then text a few more times to no plies. Waited a few days then I said "hey" she replied with the F-word and said she learned all she learned all she could from me. She also said "the love was real". Huh? That was in June and have not heard from her since. But I see her out a lot. When I do I do my best for her not to notice me. I want to know who she really is. I'm not stalking her but when I see her I return into a detective.

My question is, was she always that disordered but pretending to be normal?  Why the sudden change after the diagnosis? What did she mean by "the love was real" and she learned all she could from me? Was she using me? Not once did she ever ask me for any money.  Thank you much for taking the time

RandB

[fromheeltoheal]

Hi RandB34-

And welcome!  I'm sorry you've been through all that, it is very painful and confusing, although not unique around here, we understand.

My question is, was she always that disordered but pretending to be normal?

Order becomes disorder in the first few years of life, and since she's been diagnosed with the disorder, yes, she's always been disordered.  Although "normal" is negotiable right?  Borderlines need to attach to others emotionally, it's the main focus, so being who she needed to be to attach to you and others was the priority, still is.

Why the sudden change after the diagnosis?

There's no way to know without knowing her, but my guess is she learned about some of the traits and behaviors of someone with the disorder, they might have been things she always wanted to do but couldn't or wouldn't, and being diagnosed validated her, gave her permission, to do what she'd been thinking about anyway.

What did she mean by "the love was real" and she learned all she could from me?

Borderlines feel emotions intensely, so when she loved you she loved you all the way, deeply, you were her knight in shining armor.  But relationships with borderlines are also inherently unstable, so when she didn't love you anymore, she didn't, all the way.  BPD is a shame-based disorder too, so telling you she learned all she could from you could have been her way of justifying leaving you, by framing it as something like "everyone in my life is just here to teach me something, and once I've learned it, I'm off to a new teacher."  Sounds cruel and cold, although the alternative would be face the shame of causing you pain and take responsibility for her behavior, which would have likely been far too painful.

Was she using me? Not once did she ever ask me for any money.

You would know how real it felt in the beginning, and it was for her, until it wasn't.  Borderlines are not fundamentally malicious, she's just responding to her own strong emotions, and feelings are facts for borderlines, and depending on the severity of the disorder it's more like responding to the emotions of the moment rather than having a long-term plan.

There's stuff for starters, keep reading and posting, it gets far better, and take care of you!

[FallBack!Monster]

Thank you.

when she didn't love you anymore, she didn't, all the way.


I have read a bit about their black & white views but don't recall anyone putting it in this context.  In retrospect it makes it clear. Which in turn kills my hopes that one day we could one day gets passed this.  Especially with the way you put it. All in or all out. Love hate. Good bad. I don't think would want to pursue someone who once hated me.

You would know how real it felt in the beginning, and it was for her, until it wasn't.  Borderlines are not fundamentally malicious, she's just responding to her own strong emotions, and feelings are facts for borderlines, and depending on the severity of the disorder it's more like responding to the emotions of the moment rather than having a long-term plan.
In other words our relationship was fail proof from the start?

I intend to keep reading.  Iadmit some of the stories are hard for me to swallow.  I avoid what I call sadistic topics and cut the read short when it brings me to a melancholic state of mind.

In case you were wondering I feel like I took 2 years of my life for granted.

[fromheeltoheal]

In other words our relationship was fail proof from the start?

Here's an article that many have found helpful and speaks to your question:

https://bpdfamily.com/content/how-borderline-relationship-evolves