Back where I started

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

C.Stein, the first thing that springs to mind is that I'm hoping that he will take away all the hurt and painful feelings.  I remember going back to him before and feeling a sense of relief, but it was only ever fleeting before the rages and push/pull came back.

I totally understand this and you are showing some great self-awareness in recognizing the relief is transitory.  

I'm still struggling with this urge to contact him, to have him come back and make everything right

He can't make anything right L, you know this.  The dynamic will not change until he gets help and even then it may not change.  No one deserves to be treated like he treats you.  Only you can stop the pain now by keeping him out of your life.  Tell yourself that you have no desire to have anyone in your life who cannot treat you with respect and caring.  Every time you have to urge to contact him tell yourself that ... speak it out loud ... .scream it if you have to.  This is a line you draw in stone and you will not allow anyone to cross it ... .EVER!

[C.Stein]

C.Stein, the first thing that springs to mind is that I'm hoping that he will take away all the hurt and painful feelings.  I remember going back to him before and feeling a sense of relief, but it was only ever fleeting before the rages and push/pull came back.

I totally understand this and you are showing some great self-awareness in recognizing the relief is transitory.  

I'm still struggling with this urge to contact him, to have him come back and make everything right

He can't make anything right L, you know this.  The dynamic will not change until he gets help and even then it may not change.  No one deserves to be treated like he treats you.  Only you can stop the pain now by keeping him out of your life.  Tell yourself that you have no desire to have anyone in your life who cannot treat you with respect and caring.  Every time you have to urge to contact him tell yourself that ... speak it out loud ... .scream it if you have to.  This is a line you draw in stone and you will not allow anyone to cross it ... .EVER!

[Sadly]

Everything C. Stein and JQ say and then some Lar, be so very proud of yourself.   
Love from Sadly xx

[Larmoyant]

I really can’t say this enough, but thank you so much BPD Family. Reading and posting on here really helps clear my head and today I’m feeling a little stronger. I may well stumble again, but the urge to reach out to him is waning with the clarity I'm gaining. C.Stein’s questions led me to really explore what I’m hoping to get by reaching out to him. He can’t take away the hurt as he’s the one who caused it and, will do so again, and again, and again. I’d hoped for support, love, kindness, gentleness, consistency, stability and security. The reality is that he didn’t ever provide those things. Love sometimes, but it was erratic, never stable. He offered the promise of lasting love, but they were just words. And kindness, where was the kindness? I’ve had more kindness and support given to me on here and it’s helping me grow stronger and I’ll be forever grateful. JQ, your ongoing encouragement and support is appreciated very much and Sadness, what a lovely person you are (and by the way I believe Elephants represent ‘strength’   

Big hug and thank you to all who responded here (and on my other recent thread) and helped me get through a particularly tough week  

[Sadly]

My dear Lar
You have no idea how happy I am to read your post this morning after another virtually sleepless night. Well done you. Every feeling stronger day is a gift we give each other that helps to shore up our resolve so thank you for this today. I must admit the elephant story still makes me giggle, and that's a sound I haven't heard for a long time. I may rename my cat Sweetie to Nellie. Keep going sweetheart, and I will too.   
Love from Sadly x

[Moselle]

I may well stumble again, but the urge to reach out to him is waning with the clarity I'm gaining. 

Well done Larmoyant. I remember this feeling very well. The desire to make up, and have those all too fleeting moments of peace.

It's called a trauma bond and is very difficult to break. It's quite normal to be struggling with it.

I'm sure its not easy for you to see the progress, but it's there, at the heart of the chaos. It will get better. Keep on going 

[lovenature]

Hi L, I can relate to your situation with your Mom; when I lost my Mom in Dec. 2011, the devaluation had started with my ex... I needed peace and love more than any other time in my life, the push/pull tore my to pieces little by little.
Before I knew it I had lost touch with reality and lost myself.

Please try to remain NC during this very difficult time in your life, take care of YOU as best as you can; your PWBPD is not capable of providing the empathy and compassion that you need.

I wish you and your Mom well.

[Larmoyant]

lovenature, my sincerest condolences on the loss of your mother. I'm so heartbroken at the thought of losing her as she is so central to my world and I love her very much. I'm trying to be strong for her, but sometimes I can't and all she sees is a broken daughter struggling to get back up. I don't want her worrying about me, but she does. I'm so desperate to change it, but it's so very difficult.

She was the catalyst for me finally getting away from him. I'd left him just prior to her being diagnosed, but we were 'talking'. He'd wanted me back and had told me to be careful or he would start dating others and already had someone in mind. Then my mum became ill and I was devastated and he offered to help. I agreed to meet him only he sabotaged it and began hinting that he was dating others. I'd made it quite clear that if he was dating then we were definitely over. He refused to be upfront and straight with me and I was confused, unsure and in a lot of pain. We'd make plans to meet but then he'd tell me he couldn't make it as he was having dinner with his 'daughter' or seeing his 'uncle'. Games and more games. I was already virtually destroyed and realised I wouldn't be able to take care of my mum if I allowed him to keep playing cat and mouse with me.

The push/pull is soul destroying and I never want to experience it again. I've said it before but for me it was worse than all the rest of it, the rages, devaluation, humiliation. It triggers my biggest fears. It's all becoming clearer, but now I don't know how to pick up the pieces. That's my next step, but I'm finding it difficult. I'm scared that people can see the damage to me. I feel weakened and scared to try.

oh, I'm sorry, got carried away with my thoughts. Thank you lovenature and I hope you're doing ok  

And Moselle, here is a belated 'thank you' for your encouragement. Hope you're doing ok too.

And Sadly, wishing you a safe journey and happy holiday. Hope you're ok 

[Pretty Woman]

I understand where you are at. I still have some triggers, but don't for one second thinking you are back where you started. You have come a long way! Look where you are? You are here expressing your feelings. You are letting this all out and not internalizing it.  I'm so proud of you!

It helps to remember the bad times sometimes like him being horrible when your dear dog died. This has helped me immensely when I start to feel sad. My dad lay in a hospital when my ex dumped me. Yet they want sympathy and consideration when they are in pain.

In BPD land it's a one sided deal. Don't feel bad for being sympathetic. Now you know not to respond the next time he comes calling. Any attempts to make you feel bad are pure rubbish. Try to rationalize it as he has the emotional maturity of a 3yo.  When a child screams "I hate you mommy" do they mean it? Yes, but only in that moment... .because they are not getting what they want.

Being in a BPD relationship is like dating a child in a mature body. You are more a parent than lover... .which is not what any of us set out to be. 

Keep your chin up. Re read what you posted. This isn't a set back, it's a boundary enforcer. 

[Larmoyant]

Hi Pretty Woman, it really is helping me to express my thoughts and feelings. I'm so glad I found this place. It also helps to remember the bad times. I need to as I'm susceptible to sinking back into denial. I spent so much time pushing reality away, excusing him, not believing or wanting to believe what I was experiencing. It was all so confusing. I wanted to think the best of him in the face of some terrible behaviour. I am still not over what he did when my beloved little dog died. This was 18 months back, but it still makes me sob. I still don't know if he hurt her or not and it plays on my mind. I'm scared I didn't protect her, but she knew I loved her.

Having said that I woke this morning feeling stronger. I can do this, rebuild, I want to do this and show my mum she raised a strong daughter who can get back up.

It's helping me so much on here. Thank you so much for your encouragement and I hope you're doing well   

[lovenature]

Thank You L.

I also felt the push/pull was the worst of it all, it is so confusing and irrational, and it absolutely decimates your self esteem.

Remember that a PWBPD makes up their own reality to fit their current emotion of the moment; lies are only a natural by-product of this, and why they can't be trusted.

You have lived and learned a lot going through your relationship and break up, as have I. Keep going, you are stronger than you think, and I can tell from what you have said how proud your Mum is of you.