The Conflict Within: Desire vs Disgust

[C.Stein]

One of the most difficult aspects in detaching from a relationship with a borderline is the conflicting emotions we feel.  Love vs hate, anger vs compassion, resentment vs forgiveness, desire vs disgust, etc... .

I think we all experience this conflict to some degree, severity depending on circumstances of the relationship and breakup.

In this thread I would like to explore the feelings of Desire and Disgust as it relates to:

• Emotional intimacy
• Physical intimacy

I think it is probably safe to say most, if not all of us feel emotionally betrayed to varying degrees.  Most, if not all of us also felt we found the most emotionally intimate bond we have ever experienced.  When that bond is betrayed the thought of it can result in a massive internal conflict between still desiring that emotional bond and being disgusted with the thought of it.

This also is the case with physical intimacy, primarily in the case of infidelity (emotional or physical) and being quickly replaced.

So lets explore the two conflicting feelings because as long as the conflict exists we will remain stuck.  

Lets start with the following questions.

• Do you experience this conflict between desire and disgust?
• How do you think it impacts you with regard to detaching?
• How do you think you can resolve the conflict within so you can let go?

[Lucky Jim]

Hey CS,  Great questions!

1.  I suspect the conflict you describe is unavoidable in a BPD r/s.  It goes with the territory, so-to-speak.

2.  To the extent that one's feelings are conflicted and confused, I suspect that it's harder to detach.  Because one experiences so many mixed emotions, the path ahead is obscured.

3.  When the conflict becomes immaterial, it disappears all by itself, without any need to let go.

LuckyJim

[drained1996]

For me, and it seems for most all of us, we desire/d what we find/found disgusting.  I longed for the emotional and physical intimacy that was offered by my exBPDgf, but I couldn't live with the emotional instability and abuse that came along with it all.  The FOG kept me holding onto hope and trying for so long... .but in the end I realized I was choosing to remain in a toxic relationship.  The good was her... .but the bad was too, and there was and never will be any separation as the illness is who they are. 
I guess to answer your questions, once I could FEEL and understand that I desired what I found to be unhealthy... .I had to take the step to end the r/s, as staying would've killed me somehow in time. 
My struggle was in coming to the understanding that I desired what I disgusted, and what I disgusted was the illness, which is part of them forever.  I didn't want that in my life any more... .much less forever, so I began to do ME... .

[sweet tooth]

• Do you experience this conflict between desire and disgust?

Yes, every day, even after 8 months and after my exBPD gained approximately 60 lbs. to the point of barely recognizing her. Even though I know she's toxic, treated me horribly, and disgusts me as a human being, I still have that internal struggle. There is nothing that I would be attracted to if I met her today except maybe her face.  Her behavior is odious, she cut me off without remorse, she's toxic, and she hurt me worse than just about anybody has in my life, but I still miss her in certain ways. I saw her with a new victim the other day and it set me off.  She downgraded. It made me feel badly about myself.  How can she find that attractive, but not me?

• How do you think it impacts you with regard to detaching?

It makes it very difficult to completely detach.  I never know when she's going to pop up, if she will ever try to talk to me again, if she cares, of what she thinks of me.  Her behavior is confusing and inconsistent, so it's impossible to tell. It also affects my interactions when I meet new people.  I'm afraid to get too close to another woman in fear that she will turn out to be a psycho, too.

• How do you think you can resolve the conflict within so you can let go?

I'm going to keep telling myself she's unattractive and has very little value in order to convince myself it's true.  I'm going to try to focus on the logic rather than the emotion.  I'm going to think of Mr. Spock telling me how illogical thinking about her is.  I'm going to use Cognitive Behavioral Therapy Techniques to confront the emotional part of my brain so my emotional thinking and analytical thinking can come to a consensus. 

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[rfriesen]

Great questions! my thoughts:

Do you experience this conflict between desire and disgust?

Yes, on many levels. To take just two: first, on an emotional level, I realise how childish and excessive we were in our constant professions of love and neediness, how we couldn't keep our hands off of one another, how we would giggle and make out at bars. I'm in my late 30s; she's in her early 30s. If I had watched that from the outside, I would have found it ridiculous. Now, I'm not saying we shouldn't be a little foolish and giggly when we fall in love, I'm just talking about the level we took it to. I feel disgusted by it, but I definitely still sometimes desire those feelings back. Second, on a sexual level, we just let it all hang out. We would have sex at work, talk about sex all day, then have sex at night, living out our kinkiest fantasies. Again, I don't see anything wrong with this in principle (or at least I don't want to hold to any moral judgment on how consenting adults live out their sexuality) -- but I do feel conflicted, both desiring that intense sexual connection back and disgusted at how sex-obsessed we became and at how quickly my ex moves onto subsequent sexual partners (not to mention all my current suspicions about her cheating while we were together, even as she was rabidly jealous about my interacting with other women).

How do you think it impacts you with regard to detaching?

It leaves me still riding an emotional rollercoaster at times, and having to work to keep my thoughts centred when my mind starts spinning from the conflicting emotions. Like many others here, I had also come to play the role of "parent" or "peace-maker" in the relationship, always the one to extend the olive branch and try to show love and compassion even in the face of emotional provocation. So I think a lot of the conflict I still feel comes from having held it all inside, thinking that I could absorb the conflicting emotions and resolve them internally, since my ex and I couldn't resolve them through communicating.

How do you think you can resolve the conflict within so you can let go?

I've worked very hard to practise patience in the face of emotional conflict and turmoil. I recognise when conflicting emotions arise, and I try to feel them all the way through without become anxious to resolve them immediately. I know that the unpleasant feelings will pass, and that it's challenging but fruitful to learn to separate the feelings from the patterns of response I might have used in the past. The number one thing for me, at this point, is simply patience. Trusting in myself and in time -- that if I work at healthy habits (eating, sleeping, exercise) and putting energy into activities and people that I truly value, then in the long run I'll find peace and happiness, not uninterrupted but certainly more stable than now.

[KarmasReal]

I wanted to respond to this because I think it is the basis of the difficulty of getting over a BPD.

1. I did feel a major conflict with desire and disgust. It's like she brought the animalistic dark side out in me, where she represented sex and lust and taboo inner feelings. I was also disgusted because with those came inferiority, cruelty, unloving, promiscuous acts, no consideration or integrity. She embodied my lust, but she was doing that not for me or for love but for herself, and would quickly do it to the next guy of she thought it would fit her to, and which she has proven. This constant push pull of feelings is why one day I can be angry and the next depressed over and over.

2. I think it's harder to detach because your feelings are more confusing than a normal break up. Normal grieving has steps, I think with a person like this those steps go out the window and you have to figure out your own individual way of dealing with this turmoil.

3. I hope I can resolve it. I've never really had to, weve always gotten back together within 2-3 months. I dated and hooked up during that time but I never had a chance to get over her and heal. I was never emotionally healthy again. I'm scared to think after two years of this I may never be again.

To add some more rfriesen, what you describe is just like me and my ex. We were in our early 30s going out acting like 20 year olds making out at bars, getting wasted sex everywhere and all kinds of promiscuous ways. I knew something was wrong but I was enjoying it so much I didn't care. I really want to know what my issues are that I went through this for two years and four break ups, devaluation, fights, cheating, and cruelty. I knew it would happen again but I still went back. I was never the same though, each time I was a little less loving, a little more critical, a little more emotionally numb. I mean you can't be with a BPD for log without becoming those things are you would literally go crazy or die. So why if I knew this did I do this to myself? How do I resolve not only her actions but our terrible relationship and also my own problems that caused me to stay? There's just so many questions it feels like resolution is impossible sometimes.