The journey to self love and wholeness

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I don't think it was an accident that I have gotten myself into a relationship with a borderline, twice!. Now that I look back, there was many red flags when I met my ex (both of them). I remember in the first 30 days, we had a huge fight. There was yelling, name-calling, and a lot of disrespect. I stayed, and that was way before I was attached. That is extremely interesting, why would anybody stay in an abusive relationship after seeing red flags within the first 30 days? Nobody likes to be abused. After a lot of self reflection, I realized that I stayed because I did not want to be alone. I didn't think that I was lovable, and if I had lost her, I might stay alone for a long time. That feeling of loneliness was my enemy, I would do anything to avoid it. Then after 7 months passed, the abuse did not stop. In fact it escalated. It became every few weeks, breakups then getting back together about 10 times. The person I met vanished into a black hole. With each breakup, came yelling name calling and just a lot of negativity. Seven months later, I started having symptoms of anxiety. I was horrified at meeting her, I decreased our meeting times from every day to twice a week just to keep my sanity. But I still was not ready leave. But when my anxiety became severe, I started waking up at 3am with palpitations, and I was exhausted during today, I realized that I must protect and attend to myself. I checked my blood work, and it was perfect. I realized that I wasn't physically ill, but I was emotionally tortured. I started writing my diary, literally talking to to my inner child, telling her that I'm always going to be there for her. I started working out, eating less carbs, and started going out. Some days I feel ecstatic, I would be driving and would talk to myself saying things like "I am so happy that I'm out of it" " Thank God for my freedom". Other days I feel lonely and sad and I miss her a lot, but I always have to refocus on myself. I started taking care of my looks, and getting a lot of attention! that helped. I started listening to my body, relaxing when I feel stressed and sleeping when I feel tired. When I miss her, I think about my racing heart and my dry mouth and my sweaty palms I get angry and I resent her. I have decided to make myself priority, not settle for anybody that will disrespect me or talk down to me. My diary has become my best friend, and my voice of reason. Now a days if anyone, family friends or coworkers crosses my boundaries, I set limits and I am so protective of my inner child.

[Freeatlast_1]

I don't think it was an accident that I have gotten myself into a relationship with a borderline, twice!. Now that I look back, there was many red flags when I met my ex (both of them). I remember in the first 30 days, we had a huge fight. There was yelling, name-calling, and a lot of disrespect. I stayed, and that was way before I was attached. That is extremely interesting, why would anybody stay in an abusive relationship after seeing red flags within the first 30 days? Nobody likes to be abused. After a lot of self reflection, I realized that I stayed because I did not want to be alone. I didn't think that I was lovable, and if I had lost her, I might stay alone for a long time. That feeling of loneliness was my enemy, I would do anything to avoid it. Then after 7 months passed, the abuse did not stop. In fact it escalated. It became every few weeks, breakups then getting back together about 10 times. The person I met vanished into a black hole. With each breakup, came yelling name calling and just a lot of negativity. Seven months later, I started having symptoms of anxiety. I was horrified at meeting her, I decreased our meeting times from every day to twice a week just to keep my sanity. But I still was not ready leave. But when my anxiety became severe, I started waking up at 3am with palpitations, and I was exhausted during today, I realized that I must protect and attend to myself. I checked my blood work, and it was perfect. I realized that I wasn't physically ill, but I was emotionally tortured. I started writing my diary, literally talking to to my inner child, telling her that I'm always going to be there for her. I started working out, eating less carbs, and started going out. Some days I feel ecstatic, I would be driving and would talk to myself saying things like "I am so happy that I'm out of it" " Thank God for my freedom". Other days I feel lonely and sad and I miss her a lot, but I always have to refocus on myself. I started taking care of my looks, and getting a lot of attention! that helped. I started listening to my body, relaxing when I feel stressed and sleeping when I feel tired. When I miss her, I think about my racing heart and my dry mouth and my sweaty palms I get angry and I resent her. I have decided to make myself priority, not settle for anybody that will disrespect me or talk down to me. My diary has become my best friend, and my voice of reason. Now a days if anyone, family friends or coworkers crosses my boundaries, I set limits and I am so protective of my inner child.

[Lifewriter16]

Hi Free,

There's a saying that goes something like 'Hungry people make poor shoppers' and I can attest to that being the case for me.

It sounds like you are doing a lot of inner work which will I believe will gradually satisfy the hunger. I am yet to discover for myself whether that is true. They say that awareness is the first stage of change. After that, the path seems less clear to me. I've been doing this inner work for many years. I've no idea what it is that I am missing that I am left still struggling after all this time. There clearly is no magic bullet. I fear that I will never feel okay. I hope that I am wrong and that persevering will pay off in the end.

Love Lifewriter x

[Moselle]

I have decided to make myself priority, not settle for anybody that will disrespect me or talk down to me. My diary has become my best friend, and my voice of reason. Now a days if anyone, family friends or coworkers crosses my boundaries, I set limits and I am so protective of my inner child.

That's very positive and healthy stuff. Well done.

How is your heart? Your emotional core?

[Freeatlast_1]

I have decided to make myself priority, not settle for anybody that will disrespect me or talk down to me. My diary has become my best friend, and my voice of reason. Now a days if anyone, family friends or coworkers crosses my boundaries, I set limits and I am so protective of my inner child.

That's very positive and healthy stuff. Well done.

How is your heart? Your emotional core?

Deep within I still feel lonely at times, but once I catch that... .I immediately distract myself. My self esteem has gone from 30% to 80% but still not ideal... .I still have times when I miss the positive intensity of my relationship with my ex. But I don't let it destroy my days.

[Moselle]

My self esteem has gone from 30% to 80% but still not ideal

Jeez, if I had 8/10 on self esteem, I'd be off to celebrate

Your experience sounds alot like a relationship I had last year. I had done alot of work on myself, and decided to date again and entered the relationship with eyes wide open. Sure enough the same stuff you describe started coming out.

Each time I had a personal crisis, I'd turn to her for support and she'd in turn break up or threaten it. Adding more stress  On the fourth time I said "OK goodbye" and started to really reflect.

I realised that my heart and self esteem wasn't ready yet. I entered CODA and decided to do some proper work on my emotional centre. Its been 9 months and it has transformed much of the way I live.

If you're at 80% perhaps you're ready to date?

[Freeatlast_1]

My self esteem has gone from 30% to 80% but still not ideal

Jeez, if I had 8/10 on self esteem, I'd be off to celebrate

Your experience sounds alot like a relationship I had last year. I had done alot of work on myself, and decided to date again and entered the relationship with eyes wide open. Sure enough the same stuff you describe started coming out.

Each time I had a personal crisis, I'd turn to her for support and she'd in turn break up or threaten it. Adding more stress  On the fourth time I said "OK goodbye" and started to really reflect.

I realised that my heart and self esteem wasn't ready yet. I entered CODA and decided to do some proper work on my emotional centre. Its been 9 months and it has transformed much of the way I live.

If you're at 80% perhaps you're ready to date?

Yes I think I am ready to date, but I am really careful now. I don't want a 3rd BPD in my life to wear me down again. It's taking a lot of reconstruction to get me back on track. This time I need someone that can propel me to reach my potential for personal growth and career. That has to be a special whole person as well. Unfortunately, whole people are hard to come by, so I will wait and use all my energy to further my career and my inner growth, a day at a time.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Freeatlast, Great to hear about your journey towards self-love and wholeness, which I find inspiring.  Like you, now I listen to my body and pay attention to my gut feelings, which I ignored in my marriage to my BPDxW.  Now I strive for authenticity.

LuckyJim