Mother can only see herself

[aldm]

My story is this:
my mother has BPD, ADD, is manic, and is a severe literalist. My father is deaf, and was often gone during my childhood (he is a sailor). It took me a long time to figure out why I was so uncomfortable around my mother, and frankly, why I did not love her. I went to boarding school (read: a lot of drugs), college, got married, and moved to California. We then moved to Norway. The relationship was mentally abusive (of course), and while overseas, I realized I needed to pull myself out of it. I traveled around Asia and Europe, and finally landed in NYC. I am now divorced and in the best relationship I've ever been in. I've found personal peace in New York, and have been here for 3 years.
My own parents decided to divorce while I was in college. During this time, my mother would ask me if she should kill herself (she was modeling herself after my ex's mother.) She would curl in the fetal position on the couch and cry. While enraged by this, the only option I felt I had was to comfort her.

A turning point was two summers ago, during a family vacation. My mother, myself and my boyfriend, and both of her sisters and her mother, whom I adore, were vacationing in Maine. When wine is involved, as it was that night, emotions run high. The mood at dinner was turning sour, due to mom, so my bf and I excused ourselves. The next morning, I found my family (excluding mom) in the kitchen, and they congratulated me for being so strong. "We honestly can't believe you've turned out the way you have, with your mom. We all thought you'd be crazy. We love you so much." This was the best day of my entire life, and it is the only photo I keep of me and my family.

I've been through extensive therapy, and have been able to give up the hope of having a real relationship with her. I've also forged my own separate identity. I realize I've been able to do this because I am a keen observer of how other people navigate the world, so I have been able to piece together "what a sane person would do". I have always been afraid of expressing feelings, but am getting better at it through my relationship.

I thought I was strong and collected enough to be around her, so I visited her just yesterday. All was fine; I was able to steer the conversation to keep her in a good place. Until we went to a bar, and she began to needle about all my past relationships, which I made clear I did not want to talk about. On the way home, she asked why I was always angry at her, and I exploded. I brought up the suicide threats, and left out all of the other terrible instances. To this she said, ":)o you know, that I, am a very emotional person?" That put the nail in the coffin for me. She can only see herself in her moment, and does not have the ability to think 5 minutes into the future. Her needs always come first, and she has the emotional capacity of a ten year old. I left early, and am now here ranting. I wrote a nice email on the train, to try and save any shred of a relationship we may have, and to try and explain why I had to leave early for my own self-preservation. I have worked my entire life to extract myself from her, and I question now why I went back in the first place. Thank you for reading this.
How do you explain to someone why you are stonewalling yourself from them?

[Naughty Nibbler]

Welcome  aldm:   

Sorry about your mom.  I'm glad you found personal peace in NY and are in a great relationship!

Unfortunately, you can't change your mom's behavior.  You do have the power to control how you react and interact.  Your mom has quite a combination of issues.  People with ADD can lack a filter for their mouth, so thoughts easily turn into words.  Did she have any alcohol, while at the bar? If she consumed any alcohol, that could be part of the problem.

There are some good links to helpful information to the upper right of this post.  The links below lead to some specific information that will likely be helpful:

FOG - DEALING WITH FEAR, OBLIGATION AND GUILT
SETTING  BOUNDARIES
SET - COMMUNICATING WITH SUPPORT, EMPATHY AND TRUTH 

I wrote a nice email on the train, to try and save any shred of a relationship we may have, and to try and explain why I had to leave early for my own self-preservation. I have worked my entire life to extract myself from her, and I question now why I went back in the first place.

It might be a good idea to really explore why you made contact with her.  What are your expectations?  Are your expectations realistic in view of her having BPD, ADD and being manic?  Even if she is on meds and has had a ton of therapy, she won't likely ever become the mom you would have hoped for.

Perhaps you might want to give it another try in the future.  You might have a different experience with certain boundaries in place and some new communication tools.

[Turkish]

I have worked my entire life to extract myself from her, and I question now why I went back in the first place.

Maybe because she's your only mother?

Many of us here have been in the same place.  No one should judge that.  Some here go no contact with their parents to protect themselves.  Others,  very limited contact for the same reason.  Yet others have parents who have passed on,  yet still yearn for the parents we wished we'd had.  We play,  however, with the hands we're dealt. 

The material that Naughty Nibbler linked can help you get some perspective and possibly communicate better with her,  possibly opening her up a little, though as you say she's focused so much on herself. It may be maddening,  but she may be unable to process what you said.  Starting by realizing she's limited to who she is may help.  You've certainly got enough voices around here who understand where you're coming from,  even if she doesn't.  I hope you keep posting and look forward to hearing more of your story and how best we can support you 

Turkish

[HappyChappy]

Hi Aldm,

I can see why your mother frustrates you, that would frustrate most people. But as children of BPD, they are experts at hitting our buttons, so it’s always going to be harder.

But you appear to have healed, grown, despite of all this and that’s something to be proud of. It’s human nature to want to have a mother (in the true sense of the word) and you ask why you went back, maybe absence makes the hart grow founder ?  You ask about telling someone why you stonewall them. Well most people would get it, but our BPD moms won’t. They’re emotionally broken, so just as your father couldn’t hear,  your BPD can’t accept blame. But the great thing is you’ve figured all of this out, have a great boyfriend and you’ve travelled Europe. So do you think you'll keep in contact, and if so how ?

[aldm]

Thank you all so, SO much!
Naughty Nibbler, thanks for the links. Those all hit so close. I think you're right to examine why I went back in the first place; it may be that it is possible for the two of us to get along, in very strict time limits and with a strict agenda. I was craving a connection, but have finally learned the logic of "leave before cocktail hour". I also think my expectations are out of order for who she is, it definitely could be that I do wish she was a different person.

Turkish, I think you're right she was unable to process what I said, and this visit made that clear.
My father has a girlfriend of 9 years, and I love them both so much. When I finally realized that I could love the two of them, and saw how an adult relationship with a parent could look like, I was hoping to bring that to my mom. I've seen now though that it won't be possible, and while that is heartbreaking, I do need to treat her as though she is ill. I am afraid that will take a strength I don't have (yet), because it involves a lot of validation, praise, compliments, etc. from me. It is difficult to dole these out while raging inside, or crying inside.
Thanks again to you all, your comments are like salves! xo a