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Author Topic: No contact is very hard. Shouldn't I feel better?  (Read 524 times)
Finding Courage
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« on: October 18, 2016, 12:34:59 PM »

So, in June I went NC with my uBPD mom.  The decision was a long time coming.  She is a waif/martyr type, who is also very self centered and very dependent on me to meet her needs.  My childhood was characterized by emotional incest, no boundaries, constant emotional upheaval and extreme parentification. It was a combination of smothering and neglect.  As an adult she became even more needy, dependent, manipulative and self centered.  Now that I have my own child I see how extreme my childhood was and have been coping with PTSD symptoms more and more.  She used to demand so much emotional energy from me, to meet her needs and take care of her, that I used to fantasize about less contact.
After a major blowup in June, I finally made the decision.  Since that time, she routinely sends guilt-ridden emotional emails about "how much she is hurting from this" and "how she would do anything to have me back in her life."  Sometimes she sends more angry, manipulative emails about how "she can't believe I'm still mad" or "why can't I just love her unconditionally?" 
Here is my problem:  FOG.  I feel SO bad for hurting her and I feel like there is a huge weight on me to make it better for her.  Which is know is from our past patterns.  I also feel super sad about what feels like a huge loss.  I just can't stop thinking about how she feels. 
How have others coped with this after no contact?
     
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HappyChappy
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« Reply #1 on: October 18, 2016, 01:29:43 PM »

Hi Finding Courage,

I’m so sorry you’re in the FOG. If it helps, I went NC 3 years ago for similar reasons. My  PTSD I was badly triggered, and it took over 2 years for me to recover. I felt very similar to you, the first few months, is the hardest with NC. But my advice is use this time to heal. If you heal well, you’ll be better equipped to help your BPD. First we must help ourselves before we can help others.

I  had CBT and help from this forum. I’m happy to say, I’ve never felt better. But it took me 3 years. So I’m contemplating hooking back up, mainly because my dad doesn’t have long.

The fact your BPD said “why can’t you love me unconditionally ?” just points out, they can’t give it, but they do know it’s our week point. You also say you can’t help thinking of how she feels. But that’s because we were trained to be responsible for their emotions. But no child is responsible for their parents emotions. No way, no day. So keep reminding yourself of that. Do what’s best for you. And this forum will help every step of the way. 
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Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go. Wilde.
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« Reply #2 on: October 18, 2016, 02:01:35 PM »

Hello Finding Courage 

I am NC/LC with my parents because of my uBPDm. Also with my BPD grandma I am LC. My other grandma died last summer, and I kind of feel like an orphan now.
I have mixed feelings about the LC. Sometimes I feel bad about it. I think especially because I have a child, and I have (had ?) the feeling of taking away her family from her. At times when the guilt is popping up, I have to remind myself that my FOO actually never really cared about me nor my child, anyway. So me deciding  LC is not that much  of a difference.
But most of the times, I feel great about not being  around the dysfunctional mess anymore. Less drama, I feel less anxious, and I feel I can be a better mum.

Is there a possibility to block your mum from your emailaccount ?
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« Reply #3 on: October 20, 2016, 05:51:06 AM »

I'm sorry Finding Courage, it is very hard. I, too went NC with my mother almost two years ago, and was LC for 6 years prior. During the LC she had sent very similar emails, and voice-mails saying how much I was hurting her, and when that did not evoke the desired response, how much I was hurting my sisters. Healing is a long process, but very worthwhile.

One of the resources you may find helpful is here: https://bpdfamily.com/pdfs/survivor_to_thriver.pdf.

Another one I really like is the book Homecoming: Reclaiming and Healing your Inner Child by John Bradshaw. I found it helpful when faced with deliberate inducements of FOG, to center on my inner child, who (like any child) does not deserve such treatment. For example: When she says she is hurting so much from this, think to yourself, "But little-Finding-Courage hurt so much from just this message, and it doesn't matter to you. I will prioritize little-Finding-Courage's wellbeing." (This is healthy, not selfish or narcissistic.) When she asks why can't you love her unconditionally, "I love little-Finding-Courage unconditionally, who deserves the kind of love never gotten from you. I will protect little-Finding-Courage from you." You feel bad for hurting her, but wouldn't you feel bad about subjecting any child to the hurt she inflicts on you?

Losing your mother, one of the central relationships in our lives, is a huge loss - there is no denying that. Even if, given how much she used emotional incest and extreme parentification with you, she was never much of a mother to you. Still, you can grieve this loss, there is no shame in it. And you can be the parent little-Finding-Courage has needed but never had.
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woodsposse
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« Reply #4 on: October 20, 2016, 11:12:23 AM »

I finally went no contact with my mother.

Well... .that is not totally true.  I did, however, have a meeting with her where I told her 9basically0 - your services as my parent are no longer required.  I severed almost all ties to her, my past, my childhood and any future there may have been with us.

I have never felt better.

Once I processed that what she did to me my entire childhood is considered abuse... .the solution was quite simple.  Get away from the abuser.

Yes, it sounds harsh - and, yes, it isn't easy.   But... .it does make life much much better.
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isilme
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« Reply #5 on: October 21, 2016, 04:50:39 PM »

The feeling better is not really (IMO) about feeling good about being NC, but the fact you aren't on eggshells when the phone rings, for every single holiday and birthday, wondering if it will be "normal", acceptable, or a powder-keg.  It was easy to go NC with my dad - he kicked me out at 19, documented it in writing, and so I'm like, fine, that constitutes a binding termination of my being your daughter. 

Mom was harder.  I was assigned to be her caretaker since childhood.  Her happiness, safety, and well-being were all my job to ensure.  At 15, Dad enforced NC between us to hurt her and make me beholden to him (Both parents are BPD - fun as an only child).  After he kicked me out, she 'found' me about age 21, and we tried to pick up like nothing had happened, but I'd had 6 years of freedom from the yoke of her needs.  And, I'd seen other moms, and how they and their kids interacted, and how what I had was alien.  My mother was actually my daughter.  And her refrain was to drop out of college, move in with her and take care of her.  Again.  Forever.  And my refusals to do so were met with manufactured and real crises, identify theft of my dad, attempts at mine, and the last straw was when H's mother started getting calls for things my mother stole via theft by check.  Like appliances. 

So we went back and forth, LC, NC, medium chill.  H would get upset hearing my side of the conversations on the phone, not understanding how I NEEDED to be medium chill, unemotional, firm, and yes, even kinda rude, to her just to stay in some sort of control of the conversation.

Finally, about 6 years ago, she called me, said "we shouldn't really talk," and I said, "okay, then stop giving my number out to all your creditors," which triggered a huge explosion, denial of ever having done so (we live in different states, have different names, and the phone I use was in H's name, not even mine and we were not married, yet.  Hard to pin my name to mom's account unless she gave out my number.  Anyway, 10 minutes later, the woman who has never and will never give out my phone number got her neighbor to send me a nasty text about how I'm the worst daughter in the world, my mother is a saint, blah blah blah.

NC is still hard.  Mom's birthday is the day after Christmas.  But somehow being NC makes her not give out my info (at least I get no more calls).  I DO find peace of mind knowing that when my phone rings, it's not her, and that I do not need to be made of steel to enforce my boundaries in what should be a casual conversation. 
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